OK guys...I feel like things are in such a downward spiral. I'm constantly going back & forth about continuing this or just saying screw it. Right now I'm all about giving up.
To recap and to explain my ambivalence today, supposedly SO has stopped seeing OW. However, he hasn't said boo about us, yet still keeps everything at home the way it's been. Yesterday, I was out for most of the day. When I got home, I saw there as a print out of apartment rentals that he had been looking at. Later on, after SO went to bed, I looked at the computer history and found that he had ordered a $100 bouquet of flowers and sent them to OW with some sappy lines about how he was sorry he hadn't been treating her right and he "only wants to be her man."
I was so upset, I slept on the couch. I actually tried to sleep in the bed with him, but the sound of him snoring, touching me under the covers all the while knowing he did this while I was out - just made me sick to my stomach and I had to get out of the bed. Plus, before he went to sleep, he was making his usual hints re: for us to ML. I pretended not to catch on and he had gone to sleep. I just don't get it. Sending flowers to one girl, trying to romp with another?
Now today, I see that also changed his screen name profile to say (under "marital status") - "Still trying to Convince Miss Right That I'm The One". This is word for word!
I'm so sick to my stomach. I have no idea what to do. I want to pack all his clothes and have them ready for him when he gets home. Now - he has no idea I know this stuff. So this morning when he was leaving for work, he woke me up and was all over me with "Why'd you sleep out here" and "What did I do this time?" and "how come you didn't sleep with me?". In my sleepy state I sarcastically said "You've done enough" and went into the bedroom. Later on he called to make sure I was up to get daughter to school. ???
I have no idea what to do. The strong part of me says "Get this toxic man out of your life!". the thought of seeing him later today, all the while knowing these things, has me sick. Just sick. It appears he's ready to go - the rentals, trying to get with OW. Yet, he's got no problem trying to keep me on the back burner.
I wish I knew what to do. Insist he leave? Pretend I know nothing? Point out the profile? It won't get me further to my goal, but why pretend? This is his work profile - anyone and everyone will see it. Will pushing him away before "HE" is ready - will that do more good or more harm?
I can't wait to be on vacation next week.
If anyone has any words of advice or suggestions, or anything, lol, I'm listening!
I'm still here NM. I am sorry SO is being like that. I actually have a very similar story to share with you (sadly). I am not able to type much now, but I'll be back in a few hours.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
NM, I really have no advice. I do not know why the men we love are in to playing these games with us.
I pretty much quit posting about my self because another poster made me feel pretty badly, basically saying that all our problems are in my head and everything is my fault.
It has taken me a while to recover from that. But I know that this is not all in my head and what has transpired (as far as the things H has done and is doing) are not my fault!!!!! Sorry to hi-jack your thread but I felt the need to get that out.
My H is still acting as if everything is fine. If I didn't know better I would think (like everyone who sees us) that we are doing great, but....
I do know better. I know that he plays an online game and pretends to be a single man. Maybe that seems innocent to some, but to me it is a betrayal.
So since he has no clue that I know any of this and he thinks he has me fooled. I can not confront him on any of this with out admitting to snooping.
I do not understand it, but I have decided to continue to DB my butt off. I am GAL if it kills me! lol
I know eventually my DH will stop this charade or things will come to a head and I am going to be prepared wither way.
...again sorry to hi-jack. I hope you find some peace and have a great vacation... you are going to Daytona if I remember correctly! I am jealous.... is your SO taking care of the girls while you are gone?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I was bad yesterday and was checking up on H in his game website. He told someone that he was all alone and had no one to watch the superbowl with, then not 20 minutes later came to me wondering where the boys were and did I want to "go upstairs".
I did not let on... we went upstairs and it was wonderful... (maybe I am as sick as he is)
...then H and me and our boys watched the Superbowl (like we had planned to all along) and had a great time. Why did he tell people that he has no one?????
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Sara, don't worry about what anyone else says...I had to go thru that posting here with being "not married" and feeling the stigma that maybe I shouldn't be posting on a marriage site.
I think it's commendable that you have enough foresight to recognize that your M may be in trouble and try to fix it long before you get to the point that some of the rest of us are at...I think that is good.
Yeah, I'm headed to the Daytona 500! SO & I used to go every year, as well as some other races, but, I haven't been down in a couple of years. I'm so looking forward to it! What happens in FL, stays in FL!!
As far as SO watching the girls - that's really pretty funny...and sad. The answer is no - his mother is coming to stay here for the 5 days. Besides, SO has to work every morning as well as every night (except for Sunday) while I'm gone.
I think I've made up my mind to pack his suitcase and have it ready for him when he gets here. I just cannot make myself act "as if" today. Having him here is only going to fuel my resentment, anger and hurt and cause me to react negatively. Having him leave may not be the best choice, but today it's what "I" need. I feel like he's crossing my boundaries. Not sure yet though, I'm still thinking about it....although time is running short, he'll be here in about an hour.
SO plays the same games with me, as well. The "I'm bored, I'm alone" schtick to the OW - meantime, we've just done something - like just got home from being away for the weekend, just ML, something...he's lying to her probably more than he lies to me. Makes no sense. He's trying to get something from this girl based on lies...I don't get it - why would my SO, or your H, or anyone want an R like that? One that's built on bullshit and half-truths? I don't understand how pretending to be something your not makes for a good R.
The question of the day, I suppose? They have these false R's that they believe to be the "real thing" or they're "in love", while the "real" relationship/marriage takes a beating because they think it's so bad and not worth fixing. Or it's too hard, or some other excuse.
I think I've made up my mind to pack his suitcase and have it ready for him when he gets here. I just cannot make myself act "as if" today. Having him here is only going to fuel my resentment, anger and hurt and cause me to react negatively. Having him leave may not be the best choice, but today it's what "I" need. I feel like he's crossing my boundaries. Not sure yet though, I'm still thinking about it....although time is running short, he'll be here in about an hour.
Well, it may be too late, but I usually would refrain from making decisions that will impact you LONG after today, based on what you feel you need "today". Your feelings will ebb and flow. Do not buy into any of them offering you the key to salvation. If happiness were as easy as him being gone, then there would be a ton of happy folks around here. Do you see that? I don't. Please, gather yourself and maybe make this decision when you feel it's best for the long term, and you've really thought it through. I have been there. I am there many times a week, but I resist doing anything about it and I think I am glad so far. Please, take care and I wish you well.
It seems that this has been going on for so long. The back & forth, the fence-sitting, the cake-eating....I'm so drained. Emotionally, physically, everything. I have to wonder if "forcing" him out isn't perhaps the "best" thing to do. Kick him off Fantasy Island and out into the real world.
Like you said - No, I don't see anyone happier with their S out of the house. And, should I ask him to leave, it could almost be seen as an ultimatum of sorts.
Well, I didn't pack his things....although I had brought our luggage upstairs as I was going to start getting some things ready for my trip. He saw the suitcase and questioned it.
We ended up having an argument last night. He knows all the buttons to push to get me going. I STILL haven't learned how to stop falling into that trap. Something I need to work on a bit more diligently. The end result - pretty much nothing. No resolutions or solutions to anything.
I think right now it's best to retreat. Make myself invisible for a while. If he moves out, he moves out. It's his choice. I can't stop him, nor will I. He needs to see me in a different light anyway. Right now, I'm just a thorn in his side. Until the day comes that HE sees me differently, not too much is going to change.
In the meantime, I just have to work on me. Enjoy my kids, enjoy my vacation, slowly get myself together for ME....and the girls. I think it will come down to him leaving...I don't think we can get past this without him feeling like he's free, like he's in control of his own life and the choices he has to make. There's too many factors in the way with him living here. He views ME as a roadblock to greater happiness in his life. Until those thoughts change, there's only so much I can do. And I have to let him go with as much love and respect and grace and dignity that I can find inside of myself.
I'm a little annoyed this morning. SO had to work last night and appeared around 1 AM - scaring the crap out of me. He NEVER, ever comes home on the nights he works the bars. After my initial scare at someone standing in the doorway, I was still half asleep and asked why he was home. He said "He didn't feel like staying anywhere else."
This just seemed incredibly odd to me. He got into bed and tried to go to sleep but kept coughing really bad. We both ended up getting out of bed - he got some water and I told where the cough drops were. It was about 2:30 by now and he has to get up at 4 to leave for work...I decided to sleep on the couch because he was still coughing and I didn't want to disturb him any more by tossing & turning in bed.
This morning I'm still wondering why he came here, and with that I snooped in his email and it seems as though he is pursuing OW who doesn't seem to want to have anything much to do with him right now...or is playing the hard to get game - one or the other, I really don't know. This just has me disgusted. It really pointed out to me just how pathetic it is to chase after someone who isn't into you. I know I shouldn't have snooped, but it gives me a little more clarification on what is up. And in a way, like I said, seeing this "pursuit", gives me the perspective that it is really NOT the thing to do.
It's also reminded me, once again, that "we" have no chance until this A is out of his system. I don't want him by default. That is my fear above all else. I don't want him here if he doesn't choose to be with me willingly. All it will do is fuel his resentment of me even more. He's got the choice of moving out, but is too afraid (?) of taking that step. Right now, his mind is all about the OW, yet he keeps me here on the side. That fuels MY resentment. It's a big vicious circle.
and it was wonderful... (maybe I am as sick as he is)
