Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

I think you are just getting to the point where you can step back and really evaluate EVERYTHING without the constant fog of the A and it's aftermath.

In addition to the fact that I'm not an LBS , there is something else you should know about my situation in case you don't already. I did not have an A in the way that most people do; there really was no fog. I was not in love with someone else, I was not infatuated by someone else, I did not meet my soul mate, etc. Someone gave me a lot of attention at a time when I didn't realize I was quite as vulnerable as I was. I fell for it. I kissed this guy and spent time with him on about 5 different occasions although I didn't even like him much less feel anything similar to love. He was not my type, not physically appealing to me and came from a different walk of life than me. When I 'broke it off', there was no feeling of loss, no sadness, no temptations to get back in touch, etc. I simply told him never to speak to me again and hung up. That was that. I didn't feel guilty; he knew I was married. When you play with fire, you get burned. We both got burned and I didn't feel any more sorry for him than my H felt for me.

The main reason I am pointing this out is because it may help you get a better feel for my situation and what the A was like for me and for my M. The aftermath of the A definitely caused a fog, but my 'feelings for OM' did not cause a fog because there weren't any.

In some way I really feel for you because I have been controlling in my own way with my W and it really presents problems now that I have a valid REASON (in my mind anyway) to mistrust her and question everything she does.

That's a conundrum isn't it? Same thing in my M. My H has a very valid reason to mistrust me, but I'm not willing to be controlled. I've made efforts on my own part, offering my phone records, my email password, etc. because I understand his feelings. But this is different than being controlled because I want to do these things and I understand it is important in rebuilding trust. But to be told I cannot go to a business dinner that my boss has requested my presence at.....no way. That is control. And I won't have it regardless of what I have done to 'deserve' it. I am still a human being and I happen to have a great job that asks very little from me and honors my commitment to my family above all else. If my boss requests my presence at a dinner one time, I will do my best to be there. If you're wondering about the significance of this, it was an issue in my M very recently.

I understand it must be hard to not be controlling when you feel you are more justified than ever. Just think about it this way~ultimately if you and W reconcile, you would want her to stay faithful of her own accord, not because you were restricting everything she does to the point where she was faithful by default right? She has to have enough freedom to have the free will to make that choice.

I think that's how it's supposed to be in a good relationship, but what do we know, neither of us have probably been in one before...lol.



What will be good enough for you?

Honestly? For the anxiety and stress I feel about it to be gone. Gone. Not just diminished. That would be good enough for me. This IS the rest of my life we're talking about here. What's 'good enough' for the rest of my life? Hmm. As close to great as possible!!

Because from his perspective it doesnt matter what he does it will never be good enough.

I see your point and he has said as much. I come from a family of alcoholics and had a pretty unpleasant childhood because of it. I realize he may need encouragement and support. In the past, I have pretty much taken the stance that he should not look for that from me. If he needs help, he should get help. I am his wife, not his AA sponsor. When he drinks, he affects more people than just himself. Same with smokers. You know, they're ousting smokers from just about everywhere these days. Because they infringe on other people's rights. An alcoholic person in a household infringes on many people's rights and then when they act indignant about it.....I can't imagine a way to make me angrier than that. My home is my refuge from the world.....my H is supposed to be my 'soft place to fall' as Dr. Phil puts it. Alcohol messes it all up and I haven't had much sympathy.

Since it has gotten so much better, I do believe I am at a place where I can be more supportive however. And I will try. I will try to tell H that I think he's done a really impressive thing. Because I do believe he has. Thanks for the little push to encourage him, I think I can handle that.

another thing. do you grouse to yor gf's about this, or do you praise him to them? Do you say negative things to them, when he can hear you, to try to effect some change?

No, I have not done that. I rarely, if ever, talked negatively about H prior to my A. My friends were shocked because they thought we had the 'perfect M'. I am a very proud person and did not disclose the bad things about my M. I wanted everyone to think we had the perfect R.

Your doing good, things are moving along. I like that you are talking about the future together.
Dont worry about the kissing. it will come. He is holding it over your head, because it hurt him so badly.

Thanks BF. I am really happy with the place we are and the direction we're going. He's been so great the last few weeks. I want to do something a little special to keep the positive energy going, nothing over the top. Any ideas?