Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Actually, DR says the exact opposite. It says that changing people is actually the goal of DR. It's just that you do that by first changing yourself.

Thanks for reminding me of that. People around here say a lot that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. The effect your changes have on another CAN change another person and I remember on the KLA tapes, Michele said it's actually impossible to change yourself without changing your partner too.

Really? So how long did the M have to be good versus the time it was bad to qualify? In who's mind does it have to have been good/bad. Do both partners need to feel the same way about the M overall?
My point is that in the case of a WAS, they almost universally feel the marriage has ALWAYS been bad.

The interactions between H and I during conflict have always been bad. H has always had extreme tendencies, going from very controlling to very apathetic. H has always had a drinking problem. These things did not come up as a result of my A. Some things got much worse as a result of my A however, such as the controlling tendencies and his anger reverted back to being something he couldn't control. Since I am a much different person now than I was before when he displayed those tendencies, my reactions were very much defensive EVERY time. I refuse to go back to being that girl who allowed herself to be told what she could wear and what she could do and where she could go, I would leave this M and never look back before I would allow that to happen. So, although I had done something very bad to our M, there was more involved in the dynamics between H and I because of the repeating patterns from the beginning of our R. I was probably more aggressive and defensive than I needed to be, but looking back, I was assuring H understood that I wasn't going to be that girl again and no amount of guilt over what I had done was going to change that fact. Now that the power struggles are ending between us, I can look back and see that although my actions discouraged me at the time because they seemed to make everything 'worse', I am actually quite proud of myself for taking a stand. Things are not worse anymore. If I take where we are now and compare to where we were a year ago......things are much, much better. So as hard as I've been on both H and myself, we must be doing some things right.

I appreciate that things are never quite as bad or as good as one may remember. But I choose not to oversimplify with that idea either. My R with H has always been unhealthy at best. And no, both partners don't have to feel that way. H can feel differently about our R all he wants, but it doesn't change my past experience with him. We have certainly had many good times and I will say that it would help to be reminded of those good times and hear his happy memories and how those memories made him feel at the time. Knowing he was happy would help, but again, it wouldn't change my experiences with him.

For you, I guess I hope you can continue to find the positive in things like you are now.

I don't know if you have been following my situation long enough to know how H responded when I tried to sleep in my own bed quite some time ago. It turned into a very abusive situation, it is one of my worst memories. For H to tell me the other night that the 'bed thing' is not a 'big deal'.......THAT is a huge deal. It is a huge positive step in our R. To me, it is a sign of some major healing that has taken place within H.