Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

I see the underlying point in your post GH. I know that the only thing I can do is change myself, yet a lot of my focus has been on H and what he is doing/not doing, saying/not saying, etc. Saving a M is a tough thing to do, especially when neither partner is really sure they want to save it. I've known all along that I want a M with my H, but I did not want the M we had. I know it goes against DB principles to try to change someone else. The fact is, I was/am not willing to continue in a M where the same dynamics occur. I have been getting better at changing my behavior and my reactions. The question remains however, if H can change his behavior enough to make him a person that I am willing to fight for. I've always wanted to fight for my family, but I was torn because I didn't want to be with the H that was there. I know he can be more, I know I can be more. I'm willing to try. But 18 months since my indiscretion, I am no longer willing to carry the heaviest burden. I needed to see something from him that showed me he was serious about getting our M back on track, not just 'staying together for the kids'. Someone posted something to me once, that DB is for couples who have had an overall good R and then ran into trouble. I have had some difficulty describing my R with H as 'an overall good R'. We got together very young and established patterns and behaviors that were not healthy for us as individuals, nor did it make for a particularly happy R. I have been with H since I was 17 and don't know anything else, so it has been very difficult for me to gauge 'normal' or 'healthy' for my own behavior OR his. I'm learning more about myself and what I will and will not tolerate in this new R, but it's also been another whole journey to learn how to NOT tolerate. How much force? How much gentleness? What about timing? What about compromise? These have all been very skewed for me because my H is rightfully very angry with me so most of what I do is criticized. Being repeatedly told I'm selfish has made it next to impossible for me to feel good about myself and how I'm handling things. I'm learning a lot of things that are helping me to view my situation more objectively and more compassionately.

The good news is that we have been doing very well the past couple of weeks. I have bitten my tongue a couple of times and something that I read in the Four Agreements has helped me with that: refraining is different than repressing. I always viewed it as repressing and 'giving in' if I didn't make it known that I disagree with something. Refraining is waiting until the right time. That helps me tremendously. I don't have to wait forever. Just until the right time.
And last night, H said something that I can hardly even believe he said. He said "The bed thing isn't that big of a deal, it's just that I keep waiting for things to turn [bad]." When he says the 'bed thing' he is referring to the fact that I haven't slept in my own bed in a very long time and he was letting me know that the significance he places on it has pretty much diminished which tells me that if we can keep on this path, I will be back in my bed soon. In fact, if I wanted to be aggressive, I probably could have slept in my own bed last night. But I don't want to be aggressive, so I said "We'll just take it slow and when it's time, you'll know".
I think the conversation was brought on by the fact that he is feeling the lack of sex and I've expressed that I'm uncomfortable having sex but yet not being allowed to kiss or sleep in my own bed. He didn't address the kissing part.

I've expressed my gratitude for how well he took care of me while I was sick. I've started talking about the future again, as though both of us will share the same future. Talking about the business he wants to start, talking about a house, etc.

Lots of positive.