Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Who makes the decision on whether another's actions are respectful or disrespectful?

I think some things are universally recognized as respectful or disprespectful (at least within the confines of one's culture). For instance, your date holds the door open and allows you to enter first. A show of respect. Your partner looks at you during a conversation and tells you 'You're a freakin idiot'. A show of disrespect. Now, I see your point that I don't have to react to that. Many good people on this board have been trying to tell me the very same thing and I am making some progress.

But it seems at some point, I need to assess the person that my H is and ask myself if I really want to stay married to someone who can call me a freakin idiot as easy as saying 'it's sunny outside today'. I know I need to act 'As If' and approach my H as though I expect him to be reasonable and rational. But history tells us things and to ignore it would be foolish. My hunch tells me if I approach the bedtime subject again, no matter how respectfully, H will roll his eyes at me and say 'Not THIS again'. But this is about changing me. So, if he says that, it's not about what he says. It will be about what I do. But my point is that if he doesn't change as well, I still have to face the choice of whether or not he is a person I can stay married to. But maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse with that line of thinking.

Is respect something to be rewarded, and is disrespect something to be punished or returned?

In my mind, yes, respect is something to be rewarded, appreciated, returned. Maybe I need to practice only positive reinforcement. If he is respectful, I reward. If he is not respectful, I walk away.

My H revealed something in our last C session that scares the heck out of me. He said he isn't uncomfortable with the way things are as long as we are 'civil' to one another. We aren't having sex. We aren't sleeping in the same bed. We don't do things together as a couple. He doesn't wear his wedding ring. How can he be comfortable?? And I feel like as long as he is comfortable, there is not a catalyst for change. I feel so stuck. The C asked him if this M was what he WANTED, and he at least said No, it's not what he wanted, but he could live with it. Maybe I'm blind to any hope, but it just didn't seem to offer much.

Thanks for the words of encouragement Corri. Sometimes I feel like I've talked myself right into a S on this board. I've written about many of my interactions with H and I think most of my friends here are stumped as to what to offer me in the way of advice. I appreciate all of you for hanging with me.