Quote: Are you saying that it is impossible to be respected or disprespected purely by someone's actions?
Who makes the decision on whether another's actions are respectful or disrespectful? Is respect something to be rewarded, and is disrespect something to be punished or returned?
You cannot control how another person chooses to act or react. You cannot control whether another person decides to be respectful or disrespectful. What you do have control over is how YOU choose to act and respond. So even if someone were to treat you in a manner that you deem disrespectful, you can address the situation in a respectful manner because that is how YOU choose to be. See?
Quote: I think you are saying that my reactions to H and my anger make it possible for him to continue to treat me disrespectfully?
I dont know that it makes it possible, but it certainly does NOTHING to stop it or change it. You must ask yourself... do I want to be 'right' or do I want to solve the problem?
Quote: Truth is, I don't know how. So many boundaries have been crossed, there isn't much left but to feel pathetic and angry.
You cannot change the past no more than you can control the future. You can only control 'now.' How you choose to be and act 'now.' It does not take strength to change yourself or your life. It takes awareness. Be consciously aware of what you are doing, what you are choosing and why. If you mess up, learn from it, not beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes. We're human. Beating yourself up about something is being a victim. Paying 'attention' to yourself, your choices, your actions... that is putting your hands on the steering wheel of your life.
Quote: But the fact is, I'm not strong enough to do that.
Again, you don't need to be strong. You just need to be aware.
Quote: I can't live with the implications of breaking apart our family, although it seems I can't live with the implications of staying either. My anger must serve a purpose for me. It somehow allows me to survive in this environment.
Well... you don't want to be there right now because it is sad and uncomfortable. Give yourself and your H a break. Rome wasn't built in a day... and you haven't even started yet on BEing Who You Are for any period of time. You have the PERFECT environment in which to practice being Who You Are... guarantee you, if you can get good at it, really become this person, where you are right now... if at some point you do end up divorced, you will have stopped a very self-destructive pattern.
Your anger is serving a purpose, yes. It justifies you not trying or making any effort over a period of time. It is self-defeating, self-destructive, and keeps you in a pool of helplessness and despair. Keeps you from being respectful, honest, dignified, etc. And it makes your H completely in control of the situation... which is actually a power play on your part. Because if you give him all the control, then you can't be to blame for being angry, for not trying... this is a very, very dangerous game to play. And believe me, I am speaking from experience. I am a PRO at power plays... stop competiting with your H. Control is an illusion. There is no power to grab. There is only what is as it is. Deal with it from the framework of Who You Are.
Quote: "I understand that you feel that alone time with us is crucial for S5. I feel that a 9pm bedtime is crucial for S5 as well. I think both are very important and I think we can do both. Let's think of some other suggestions where S5 can get alone time with you or and still get to bed by 9pm."
That's excellent. See? It's not hard at all, really. Not when you just stop yourself and think about it. You just have to stay after it and remain consistent. And there will be times when you feel angry and frustrated. But when that hits, say to your H... "you know what? I'm feeling angry and frustrated. Can you give me some time to cool down and think about this before we continue this discussion?" He may be a complete jerk. He may say, "there isn't anything to discuss. It's going to be this way." So leave and get cooled down. Address the issue when it happens again. He may SAY those things to you, but actually end up trying to work with you. Pay attention to his actions as well. Say Please. Say thank you. Be kind. You've got PLENTY of opportunities to practice.
Quote: Some days I honestly don't think that would be such a bad thing in the long run. It's the short run that I can't deal with.
It is the only place you have to effect change. Now you have solid, concrete things you can do. You are not powerless. You just have to be patient. The definition of patience, by the way, is the act of practicing empathy and tolerance. You can 'empathize' with your H acting surly and pissy because he is hurt and wants to punish you. You can tolerate this behavior until he begins to see things for himself.
And he will.
Do your best. Don't take anything personally. Concentrate on you. You can do this. I know you can.
