Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Hi Corri, it is very nice to meet you, I recognize your name.

you are NOT a person of respect, you are NOT a person of dignity, you are NOT a person of trust, nor are you a person of integrity....These things are not commodities of exchange, which you are treating them as right now......Rather, they are the pilliars, the foundation of Who YOU Are, regardless of the actions or reponses of another person.

I've been under the weather all weekend, and am still at home today...but I've given this a lot of thought and I sort of get it but mostly don't. Are you saying that it is impossible to be respected or disprespected purely by someone's actions?

Righ now, you get angry because you feel your H is attempting to control you, or disrespect you by disregarding your wishes with your son (as an example). Your anger, then, allows for the dismantling of what you are willing to trade in-kind. Anger for respect.

I think you are saying that my reactions to H and my anger make it possible for him to continue to treat me disrespectfully?

I think you are definitely on to something with my reactions. I am definitely giving something away, hence my feelings of guilt afterward. Some have attributed that to a victim's mentality, but I think you may be more correct. I am too strong to be a victim. That's why I get upset that I'm not strong enough to handle these encounters in stride. Without escalation and without anger. Truth is, I don't know how. So many boundaries have been crossed, there isn't much left but to feel pathetic and angry.

A person who's foundation is made up of respect, trust, honor and integrity has no personal investment in how another behaves, and therefore, has no reason to become angry by their actions, regardless of what those actions may be.

I believe you're right. I can't think of a particular instance, but I know it when I see someone handle something better than I would. Many times, there is respect in the quiet ways people handle things. There doesn't need to be anger. For instance, when my H found out I had betrayed our M vows, had he made it clear he wanted me to leave by a certain date, I would have deemed his choice more respectable than the choices he made instead. And for me, if I would quiety refuse to tolerate such behavior from him and simply move out, I would respect my choice more than the choices I've been making instead. But the fact is, I'm not strong enough to do that. I can't live with the implications of breaking apart our family, although it seems I can't live with the implications of staying either.
My anger must serve a purpose for me. It somehow allows me to survive in this environment.

BE, everyday, in every instance, that which you would like to receive from others.

You're right, this is so simple it can be passed over. I promise not to pass it over. I will write it down and I will do it to the best of my ability because I do think it is great advice.

So. Think on this for a bit... and see if you can get what I am saying... and then I'd like to ask you... how might you approach your H now about the bedtime issue. How would you bring it up to him again, as a person of respect, trust, honor and integrity?

I would say "I understand that you feel that alone time with us is crucial for S5. I feel that a 9pm bedtime is crucial for S5 as well. I think both are very important and I think we can do both. Let's think of some other suggestions where S5 can get alone time with you or and still get to bed by 9pm."
That statement sounds like something any reasonable person would acknowledge. I haven't tried it exactly like that, maybe I will in counseling. I feel like I know what his reaction would be, but like my C says, you have to stop assuming you know how the other person will respond.
What do you think of my statement above? Do you think it reflects the values I want it to reflect?

BTW... I was in court today for the close of my D. Buried my 16 year marriage. Not a route I'd recommend to many.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing ok.

But I can tell you... if YOU don't change at your root level... you are probably going to wind up there.


Some days I honestly don't think that would be such a bad thing in the long run. It's the short run that I can't deal with.

I don't think that the lack of sex in Heather's marriage is an excuse for H's porn habits.

Thanks chiming in Jabez!

is your H an alcoholic?

I don't know. He has definitely been an alcohol abuser, perhaps still is. I don't think I'm in an ojective enough position to be able to tell. He has never displayed the stereotypical characteristics of an alcoholic and I have seen the man do a shot maybe only once in our time together. He stays clear of any alcohol except beer. He used to drink 6 nights a week, up to almost a case at at time. It was very much an issue between us and he began to cut back. Never validated or acknowledged through his words, but through his actions, he cut back. Never said why, never said what his goals were, never said if it was easy or hard, he just did it. He went from 6 nights a week to three I think. It stayed that way for years. Then when S5 was born, he cut back to two nights a week, usually 12 beers at a time. Then when I served him with D papers last year, he cut the amount in half again, no doubt fearful I would be able to take his kids away from him. He still 'drinks' two nights per week, but usually only 6 beers at a time and then 6 or more O'Douls which is a non-alcoholic beverage. He has also starting drinking O'Douls most nights, whether it's a 'drinking night' or not.
Bottom line, I don't know if he's an alcoholic but I know it's caused a huge problem in our M and H is very confused as to why my feelings toward it haven't changed even though he's gotten better. I don't have an answer for that. I guess I do feel 'better', but I still hate it. I hate O'Douls just as much, I think he's still feeding his habit and it's still intrusive in our lives (i.e. if we don't have any he has to run out and get it, he smokes when he's drinking so he always has to step outside....whether it's O'Douls or Rolling Rock the ridiculous cycle is the same-from the fridge to outside to watch tv to the bathroom, to the fridge, outside, watch tv to the bathroom, and on and on).