You probably don't know me... name's Corri... I usually hang out over on the SSM board with blackfoot and others...
Been reading this thread, though I have not read your other locked threads. I thought I might just drop a few things your way, hopefully they might help.
It's funny... I read your posts and it literally drops me jaw to see how much like you I used to be. Really... in you, I see all that I once was... can certainly understand it, can understand almost, ver batim, everything you've said here, things you've felt... quite astounding, really.
And I have to say that you have inadvertently given me quite a gift. A critcal piece of self-understanding fell into place for me, something I have been trying to 'get' for many, many years.
I'll try and pass it on to you... you may or may not get it yourself... it's really hard, especially when you are smack dab in the middle of what you are in... but let's try anyway... thing of it is...it's really simple. So simple, in fact, that there is a good chance you are going to miss the significance. If nothing else, write it down... put it somewhere, read it every now and then, and one day, it will click for you, too.
I see you being a person who puts a high value on respect, honoring of human dignity, trust... integrity. Core values we all know and crave. I see in your posts that you feel you are missing this from your H, and truly, by your descriptions, he does not and has not really offered you these things. <nod> I can understand the roads you've traveled, the decisions you've made, the regrets you have about those decisions (OM), and I certainly understand you wanting to hang on to your M.
But what I see in you, that I was never able to see in myself... is that you are NOT a person of respect, you are NOT a person of dignity, you are NOT a person of trust, nor are you a person of integrity.
Why do I say this?
Because these are not things you offer to another in trade for in-kind service. These things are not commodities of exchange, which you are treating them as right now.
Rather, they are the pilliars, the foundation of Who YOU Are, regardless of the actions or reponses of another person.
Righ now, you get angry because you feel your H is attempting to control you, or disrespect you by disregarding your wishes with your son (as an example). Your anger, then, allows for the dismantling of what you are willing to trade in-kind. Anger for respect. "You don't treat me respectfully, therefore, I am justified in feeling angry, hurt (whatever), and therefore, not necessarily acting respectful toward you either."
You give up control of Who You Are because of the actions or reactions of someone else. Yet you blame him for trying to control you... (isn't this a pisser? Much easier to blame the SOBs...) He is not taking control of you... you are giving it away... the moment he becomes disrespectful, you do as well. Why would you ever allow someone to change a core value that is fundamental to your being... when you never, ever, ever HAVE to?
A person who's foundation is made up of respect, trust, honor and integrity has no personal investment in how another behaves, and therefore, has no reason to become angry by their actions, regardless of what those actions may be. Here's your simple phrase:
BE, everyday, in every instance, that which you would like to receive from others. Yeah, I know, it's the Golden Rule, plagerized to hell and back... but maybe you can see new meaning in it. Truly feel its significance. It's not a trite phrase.
It is truly this simple. Honest to God.
When you are and act in a respectful, trusting, honoring manner, with integrity, your H's response to you is going to change. He will begin to mirror that which you offer and give to him everyday, without expectation of anything in return. For him to do otherwise, in any consistent fashion over time, will expose his own disrespectful behavior to HIMSELF. You won't have to do a darn thing... except remain consistent with who and what you are... not for him... but for yourself. Because these are the fundamental elements of your being. Period.
So. Think on this for a bit... and see if you can get what I am saying... and then I'd like to ask you... how might you approach your H now about the bedtime issue. How would you bring it up to him again, as a person of respect, trust, honor and integrity?
BTW... I was in court today for the close of my D. Buried my 16 year marriage. Not a route I'd recommend to many. But I can tell you... if YOU don't change at your root level... you are probably going to wind up there.
Why do you have to change, why not him? Well. You don't have to do anything. But if you WANT to be that person of respect, trust, honor, dignity and integrity, you'll do it and practice it until you become really, really good at it... simply because you want to, and it won't matter to you what your H does or doesn't do...
