Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

I hope you can feel confidence in your MC to lead the two of you and your M.

This is an excellent point. I think in the session I was referring to, I responded more to H than I should have. I need to make sure that my responses are to the counselor or are only when I've been asked a question. This is the listening part of conversations that I admit I have trouble doing. There are many reasons for that, but I guess at this point, it's just time to own my shortcomings and not try to explain them away. Do or die at this point, so listen I shall.

Ah, the controversial Blackfoot has visited my thread. Welcome, thanks for taking the time to read a little about my situation.

Why do you refuse H sex?

Prior to the A, there were a few reasons.....although I don't think I truly saw that I was 'refusing' sex. I see it now. Then, I just thought the feeling wasn't mutual, so sex would have to wait. I didn't realize until I came to this board how important sex is to a man for many varied reasons. So, with that being said, my reasons for refusing sex were.....mostly because of his drinking problem. On the nights he was drinking, I was disgusted by him and his lack of control and wanted nothing to do with him. Sometimes that disgust carried over into days that he wasn't drinking. Over time, disgust became an overall lack of respect. I treated him very poorly at times I admit. I did not respect him and his continuation of behavior that I despised told me that he did not respect me either. That angered me because I hadn't done anything to warrant disrespect (in my mind at the time). He was the one with the lack of control, the disrespectable characteristic, not me. I had a reason to disprespect him, he didn't have any good reasons for it to be likewise. So I was angry. That is one reason.
Another reason, I think I sort of touched on above. I didn't realize the significance of sex to a man, H has never fully communicated the significance of it to him in particular, so I did't realize how harmful and painful it could be for him. I never saw it as 'rejection', just as 'I'm not in the mood'.
I can honestly say I never purposely witheld sex specifically to hurt H. If we didn't have sex, it was because I didn't want to, no ulterior motives. Really.

Now, post A, the reason we are not having sex is a little more complicated. We have had sex several times, for particular stretches of time it was pretty regular, about 4 times a week maybe. But as our R did not progress and not much healing seemed to be taking place for H, I started to get discouraged. I started to see sex as H 'getting what he wanted from me' and as just another way to make him content with the sucky status of our R. I guarantee you my H is not like you, so please do not try to project here. After sex, my H would leave me to sleep alone in a bed that isn't mine and he would return to the marital bed. He would have sex with me but would not sleep with me. That was hard to, ahem, swallow for me. Then there is also the fact that he would not kiss me during sex, before sex or after sex. His lips are off limits to me because I have kissed another man. He has told me he will never kiss me again. In short, I came to the conclusion that I could not continue the status quo. I became uncomfortable with the situation and sex has come to a halt. It's not that I refuse, H hasn't really tried. We've hardly been speaking the last month or so much less worrying about sex, so it's an issue that will likely come up again once we make it through this rough patch.

Why do you resent his sexual need -- porn/MB-- when he has no other outlet?

Like I said above, he never fully communicated to me how he was feeling. I didn't have a clue. So, until he tried , I wouldn't say that he didn't have any other outlet.
Sex may be a super important thing for a man. It may be a super important thing for a woman. Fine. In my R, it seems to have been equally valued by H and me, just probably not frequent enough for H. If he would have communicated that to me, maybe things would have been different. Maybe they wouldn't have been. We'll never know now.
Also, just the way you formed the question above about porn is difficult for me to not have a strong emotional reaction to. I am very touchy on this subject. I need emotional connections. I NEED them. H was not meeting my needs. You could say I 'had no other outlet'. And you know what? In my opinion, I FULLY communicated those needs to H. And he still refused. Do you think that justifies my A? Doubt it. It doesn't justify H's porn habit either. Maybe it would under different circumstances, I realize every woman doesn't feel as negative about it as I do. But H didn't marry any other woman, he married me and I'm not likely to change my feelings on the subject any time soon. Perhaps many other men wouldn't go to the lengths my H has about my indiscretion. But I'm not married to any other man, I'm married to my H. He's having the reactions he's having and I have to deal with it. It works both ways.

From my chair, it seems to me that your H, is firmly committed to this M. (if he is not having an A, and allowed you to come back after yours,--I have only perused the three most recent of your threads)

You make a bold statement after acknowledging that you've only 'perused' my most recent posts. There are many reasons, kids being number one, that a spouse may choose to go on after an A. Does that mean they are commited to the M? NO. Does that mean they have forgiven their partner? NO. Does that mean they ever intend to forgive? NO.
I see your point in saying this, however, my H beats to a different drum than you do, I am quite positive, just from reading your posts. That's not a judgment in any shape or form, just an observation. H's reasons for doing things may not be the same as what your reasons would be for doing the very same things.
H may be committed to our M. Maybe I am misreading his actions. Please support you statement with more examples than 'he let you stay and he's not cheating'. That does not necessarily a committed partner make.

I do not see that from you, and I know he does not come even close to feeling it from you.

Fair enough. I admit I'm struggling. I want a M with H, but not THIS M. So, it's tough. I start to feel hopeless when I feel like this is in fact the M I'd have to accept if I want to keep my family intact. But I'm not settling for this, I'm just not. I hate to say, 'change or get lost', but it's kind of down to that at this point. Am I willing to change too? You bet I am. He needs to tell me how he feels, what he needs to be different. He needs to communicate. So far, he doesn't do much of that. So I'm running blind.
I am 100% open to suggestions.

What I see is a power struggle that IMO you are going about the wrong way of deescalating.

I tend to agree. I haven't found what works, and in most cases I revert back to 'more of the same'. Again, I'm completely open to suggestions.

You have gone back to your M, but by damn you are not giving up one shred of power, and not going to have one good feeling about H untill you see him fix the reasons why you were forced to have an A.

Hmm. My first reaction was to say 'not quite, but I have my moments'. But I deleted it because maybe, just maybe, I have more of those 'moments' than I realize. Enough 'moments' strung together starts to become a state of being. So maybe. I'll have to think more about this and a third ojective person's viewpoint is a helpful place to start. But I'm not sure you have the necessary background on my situation to objectively make that statement. But then again, maybe you do. You tell me.

So whats the score in your M? Whos winning right now?

I've read enough to know that's a loaded question, lol. I get your point. I don't think I keep score. I have a lot of past hurts. But I DO want to move on. I DO want to leave the past in the past. I DO want to make our future better. And I DO want a commitment from H to help me make our future better.

Is the way you treat him now, remotely close to how you treated him when you were first dating?

Um.....NO! When I first met H, I had no self esteem, deferred to his every whim. And I do mean every because he had a lot of whims. I couldn't believe this person was interested in me, I had no idea why. Often if I disappointed him, I felt unsure if he would want to keep seeing me. I dedicated my life to him. Seriously. He was very controlling and I had no self esteem to know that it was not a good thing. Getting out from under his thumb was a slow, painful process. And I will not go back to being that girl under any circumstances. The woman I am today would run fast in the opposite direction of any man like the man he was. We met when I was 17 and he was 18. We both had so much changing yet to do. We have both changed in drastic ways. So, no, our R is not anything like it was when we first started dating.

Thanks for stopping by Blackfoot, it seems you can tell I need a kick in the behind and I appreciate your thought provoking questions.