Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

H called at about 10 minutes after 11am to tell me he had to drive out to the Coleman bridge, so things 'weren't looking good' for our appt. I was silent. Finally I said, 'Can't you go after lunch?' He said "What are you talking about 'after lunch'? Last time it took two hours. I don't know how they expect people to do this." I said "Ok, I'll call. I'm just frustrated because as I see it, counseling is our last hope and if we can't give it a committed effort, then I don't know what's going to happen." He said "Oh, so now it's a matter of commitment to the counseling?" I said "No, I wasn't making a dig, just making a point."
I called the counselor and she said she could fit us in at 4pm. H said he would try. I called at 3pm to make sure it would be alright and he said if traffic and everything went perfectly he would be able to make it. As I was getting to the office, he called and said he wouldn't be able to make it until 4:20. I said "Ok.....earlier the receptionist said if you couldn't make it on time she could just send you back when you got there." He said "So you're planning on going without me....let's not start this again". I said "I'm not trying to start anything again. It's not that big of a deal, but if you think it's that big of a deal, I won't go in until you get there". He said "We've been through this before, did you think I'd changed my mind about it?" I said "Whatever, I don't know, I'll just see you when you get there".

So he got there at about 4:20 and I will journal about the session later. I need to get my thoughts together about it, but offhand I feel I 'contributed' more to the session than last time. Which, in retrospect, I wouldn't do again. And I don't plan to give as much input next time. I have been in counseling for over a year. And I have had the benefit of the many books I've read and the counselors I've had. H has more introspection to do than I do and I need to make sure he has the floor until he no longer wants it. Like our first session.

I've somehow decided that I need to take Dr. Phil's approach. That I need to 'earn' my way out of this marriage. I guess that's partly because of my negative attitude lately....this is my way to get my energy up there....get my will to try one last time. In my mind, this is what it is....one last time. Counseling is all there is left for us. I need to make sure I keep my mouth shut as much as possible and give H the chance to heal, the chance to forgive....at the most. At the least, I will give him no fuel for his fire. I will quit this M, if and when the time comes, on a positive note. Where he will have to look back and see that I did give it my all.

That's where I'm at tonight.