Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Your H is creating a "us against her" sitch in your house and that's just wrong.

That's *exactly* how it feels. And seeing S5 wake up every morning in bed with H and seeing how S5 reacts toward me vs how he reacts toward H is truly heart wrenching sometimes. Overall though, even though H continues to have problematic moments, it IS getting better. S5's attitude toward me has changed dramatically over the last few months.

A couple posts ago when I said I was jealous of the R between S5 and H, Jabez asked a few questions. H is truly interested in S5, although most of what S5 is interested in are things that H has steered him toward because H is also interested. For the most part, that makes sense....I mean, I think parents tend to do that. In my case though, it just seems to strengthen the feelings I have of being an outsider. Mostly, I just see that H has so much love to give to the kids and I just wish he cared about me and my feelings like he cares about theirs. It's not really that I wish I could be the one playing the Spiderman video game

Heather, I'd say that the "booking a flight" episode is another great example of where you could just say to H from it's very inception, "You take care of it", without you being involved an any manner, shape or form, not one iota, making it all his responsibility to handle.


Good point.

I've been reading the book "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better", it's about validation. Here are three ideas from the book that I'd like to share with you:

I've been trying to get to the bookstore to get that very same book, to no avail b/c I haven't been able to leave H with the kids. I didn't want to order it from Amazon b/c it would take too long, but I'd probably have it by now if I just would have ordered it. Maybe I can get to B&N this week. I think I would be served very well to learn these types of communication skills. I do not feel very kind toward H most days, so it is really difficult to temper my words with something other than what I'm actually feeling. I'm an expressive person and that can be really hard to mask.
Since I don't have the book yet, those points at least give me something to think about. Thanks!

Every time you broke out the duct tape, every time you stopped yourself from repeating some pattern that wouldn't work, every time you sought a compromise solution, whether H accepted it or not, whether it worked well when he did or not, you were "putting your heart in it."

Thanks Joe. I guess I'm just concerned that H can tell I have my hand on the door....the fact that I have had him served with D papers and talked seriously about leaving twice after that can leave him questioning my level of commitment. The fact is, I am committed, but only if he is as well. When long periods of time go by whereby I don't see any commitment from H, I go back to preparing myself for the worst.

I hope your visit to Charm City turned out well.

Thanks, there were good moments. And not so good moments. The good moments were seeing my niece look so adorable in her b-day dress. Seeing how much my kids appreciate their cousins and the time they spend with them. Swimming in the pool with them. Telling them 'No babies, we aren't almost there yet'. Ice skating. Room service. Sleeping with D3 at the hotel....having her wake up in the morning and not see me and ask "Daddy where is Mommy and Tucker?" Daddy said Mommy is right behind you and she turned around and saw me, snuggled in and closed her eyes again, content. S5 got to have a sleepover in his cousins' room. Watching them sleep on the way back today because they were so wiped out. Gosh I love my kids.

The only real bad moment that stands out is when H mentioned that there were only two rooms for us, his parents and his sister and her two kids. In the current state of our R, where we're not sleeping in the same bed, I am not about to suffer the embrassament of sharing a room. I'm flat out not doing that. So I told him that I am not sharing a room. I told him why. It pretty much ruined the rest of the trip up there and made me feel very defensive and I mostly wanted to avoid him and not speak to him and just wallow in my disdain for him quite frankly. But underneath all that, it was because I was hurt. Hurt that we are still not sleeping in the same bed. Hurt that he wouldn't say 'It's not a big deal Heather, we'll sleep in the same bed'. Hurt that my M is such an embarassment to me that I am ashamed for family to know how things really are. Hurt that my H wants to continue to make me feel hurt. It sucks. And I hate him for it. Just like he apparently hates me for hurting him like I did.

I felt like I hurt his parents' and his sister's feelings, so later in the hot tub I explained to his mother that H and I's lives are not normal and I just need privacy right now...please don't take it personally. She said she knows and she understands. I believe she truly does.

Oh and Joe.....on the trip back today, I wrote some. Just thought you'd like to know!

I am assuming you have read all the usual suspects, right?

I read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus many, many years ago before I knew what M problems were I should read it again. I've read Divorce Remedy, After the Affair, Five Love Languages, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, In Sheep's Clothing-How to Deal with Manipulative People, Relationship Rescue and several others that I don't remember the titles of right off hand.
I'm always on the lookout for a new book though, so if you have any suggestions, fire away.

It's good to be home and I'm going to bed. I'll keep you posted on the MC session tomorrow.