Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Yeah, I did think it was very thought provoking. I feel like Michele could have been talking about me....I wonder how effective any 'work' it feels like I've been doing can possibly be when I know my whole heart isn't in it. My whole heart has not been in this marriage for quite some time. I go back and forth between being determined to try to being so absolutely floored at the new levels of disrespect in our R that I immediately sway back to being sure that divorce is the only option for us.
Yesterday in particular, I had a very bad day. This morning I was still feeling hopeless, but started to pick myself up some. Then H and I had a discussion turned bad about a family vacation to Orlando in March. I am going there on business and told H I would fly him and the kids out on my dime and we could go to Disney or Sea World or whatever. The first thing H does is make a demand about the type of airplane....it has to have three seats on one side and two seats on the other so that he and the kids can all sit next to one another. That is important b/c they have never flown before, but I guess I was just a little surprised by his "call and make sure the flight you're looking at on the internet is on a plane with that seat configuration". Um, ok. So I did. And it does. So I called him back and told him that and then he gets an attitude with me because he said he wanted to work Wednesday, so he'd need an afternoon flight. Well, the flight was $79 at 11am. After that, it went up to 204. So, the flight I called the airline about to find out about the airplane was the $79 one. When he asked what time the flight left and I told him, he got mad because he said "I told you I want to work Wed.....once again Heather just does what she wants...". The whole thing went downhill as I sat in amazement that he was being so nasty about it. It wasn't like I booked the flight, I just had to pick one to call on, so I picked the cheapest one. It was just stupid and I was fuming at the way he was speaking to me. Slowly and condescending like I was a child..."I TOLD you I w-a-n-t-e-d an e-v-e-n-i-n-g flight". He doesn't even have any idea what will be going on at work during that time, I don't have any idea why he can't arrange to take three days off of work. He says he doesn't know who he'll be working for......it's just stupid to me. I mean, come on, you've got to have someone to go to in order to arrange a vacation for crying out loud! How does he do it any other time?! Whatever.

My point is that after that I was back to feeling hopeless. I'm just not that good of an actor. He says and does things that result in me hating him. Like want to punch him hate him. When I feel like that, I can't pretend everything is ok, ya know?

When's the next MC session?

Monday at noon. All should be clear for both of us to attend. There for a while, there was question about whether H would have to go out of town Monday, but he doesn't so he should be able to attend counseling.

H's tonsils are pretty well healed by now, right?

No, not really. He is still taking pain medication and says his throat still hurts pretty bad. I haven't left the kids alone with him all week because he really needs to take it easy still. In fact, I am driving us all to Baltimore tomorrow for his niece's 2nd birthday.....I want to go and be with H and his family like I want a hole in my head, but I feel like I need to go mostly because H can't really drive himself. Boy, can't wait.
It's weird too because I find myself wanting to be around H's family less and less. I don't really understand why because I used to like being with them more than I liked being around H! Not the case anymore. Now I don't like being around any of them

Thanks for listening. Hope everyone has a great weekend.