Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

One of the great things about these boards is that I journal my situation way more than I would on paper. Sometimes I try to journal dialogue here as well because it helps me monitor progress.

So, I went back to one month ago when the bedtime was last a problem. NY, you suggested the following:

S wants to play a game at ten minutes till bedtime? And he still has get his pjs or brush his teeth... tough.

H says otherwise? You know what he's teaching him, right? Don't listen to mommy, do what you want, no responsibility.

Maybe a compromise is, want to play a game at ten minutes till bedtime? H says there's time? "Fine. But at 9 sharp, you'd best have your pjs on, have brushed your teeth, go pottied, and be in bed - and H, you make sure he is, and please, no excuses. I want a responsible parent here, and you're the parent, not S."

I may not have carried it off perfectly, especially after it became apparent that H wasn't giving in, but overall, this is what I was trying to do. You want to play the game? Fine, play the game. But bedtime is bedtime. It didn't work.

At the time, here was my reply to your suggestion:

I would love to able to say something like that to H. He'd see it as confrontational and condescending and wouldn't pay me any attention accept to tell me I'm crazy.
Your example is sort of what I tried to implement last night, except the game went on until 9:25. Part of the problem with the game (and a perfect example of how H drags it all out), I won the game. So, then S5 asked if we could play to see who comes in second. I said no, H said yes. They continued to play. But yet I'm the one who won't compromise in his eyes. He just doesn't get it and I doubt if he ever will.

He continued to play again last night. No difference, even though we were working from a 9:30 bedtime rather than a 9:00 bedtime as I had originally wanted. 9:30 WAS our compromise. H blew it last night. Actually, H said that S5 could start going potty and starting the bedtime routine at 9:15 so we could start reading at 9:30. I realize that I have let that slide over the course of this past month because I try to be as reasonable as possible and H has been fairly reasonable with sticking to his word. Until now. It lasted a whole freakin month.

One of the other stipulations for H to implement the 9:30 bedtime for S5 was that D3 HAD to be in bed at 8:30. This has been happening. I've made sure she's in bed at 8:30.

Last night while H and I were arguing about S5's bedtime, D3 got up because she had to go potty. This was a great chance for us to save face and compromise. I said, D3 has to go potty so play your game until she's done and then it's time for bed, ok? S5 said 'ok'. Now all H had to do was comply when I returned. But he wouldn't do it. When I returned, S5 changed his mind about agreeing to go to bed and H said they were going to finish the game. He was going to finish the game and that's all there is to it.

Here's another snippet from last time this was a problem:

S5 would go to bed and go to sleep if we told him to. He is old enough to understand that temper tantrums are not tolerated and it wouldn't be a problem. It's H's refusal, not S5's refusal, to cooperate with a 9:30 bedtime that is the problem.

Last night proved that yet again if you ask me.

Last time this happened, I wanted S5 to be in his bed ready to close his eyes by 9:30. H said NO WAY. H made some compromises on the bedtime routine and the best I could get him to agree to was that bedtime could start at 9:15-9:30 and we would cut some of the I Spy stuff so it wouldn't take as long. Even with all that, S5 doesn't actually lay down to close his eyes until about 10:15. Still way too late in my opinion, so when H wants to push for even just an additional 10 mins, I start to get pretty pi@@ed.

I realize it may seem like I like to be right and I do. But I don't think I let it take precedence over being reasonable and putting our R first. I am right about a 9m bedtime. But I was willing to work with the compromise if it meant that we both felt we had some say in the matter and we would get along and stick to the agreement.

Even last night I don't think my adrenaline would have spiked quite as quickly or as high as it did if H would not have said "that's right" when I said I said I didn't hear anyone moving. It was a dismissive statement intended to shut me up and let me know that although things might be straying from our new norm, he was in control of the situation not me.

I did a lot wrong. But in truly monitoring the progress in our M, what I did wrong in the situation may have escalated the issue, but the issue was there. The fact that we had the same problem yet again, has nothing to do with my reaction. My reaction came later. I can beat myself up about my reaction or I can face the fact that NOTHING is changing!!!!