Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Another bedtime drama with S5. H is showing S5 how to play this game that H is obssessed with-Heroscape. It is an adult game and when I say H is obssessed, I'm not really exaggerating that much. H doesn't get to play really b/c he doesn't have anyone to play with, but he buys more pieces every week and watches for sales, goes out of his way to check stores for the pieces, etc. I also found out he belongs to a bulletin board full of people who talk about their games, take pictures of their map setup and their pieces. It is totally gay if you ask me, but whatever. Can't he just buy a freakin game and play when he has time and leave it at that?

Anyway, tonight he played the game with S5. At 9:30, I call in to the kitchen..."It's 9:30 S5, it's time to go potty." Two minutes pass, they are still playing. I call out again "S5, I said it's time for bed. You need to go potty." H says "We HEARD you." I said "Well, I don't hear anyone moving." He says "That's right." I walk out into the kitchen and tell S5 he needs to go potty. H says "We only have 10 minutes left to go to finish this game." I said "H, it is 9:30, we had an agreement that 9:30 is bedtime. I don't want the kids as they get older to argue against bedtime, saying I just need 10 more minutes, or let me just finish this game, or clear this level, etc. When it's bedtime, it's bedtime. Tomorrow is a new day and you can finish the game tomorrow."

I'm so angry I can't even relay the whole thing word for word. We argued right in front of S5 about his bedtime. It was absolutely ridiculous. And because I was the one trying to enforce the bedtime, S5 goes and gets behind H. H denied that we had any kind of agreement and I said he can deny it all he wants, that doesn't make it any less true. We DID have an agreement. And he was backing down on it now. He said the bedtime is 9:30 within reason, that I should have came and checked to see how long they had left before announcing it was bedtime. I said "No, you can tell time. You should be watching the time and not starting a new round if you see it is too close to S5's bedtime." He tried to turn it back on me saying that I was starting this because I wasn't getting my way. I said this isn't about getting my way. He said 'yes it is, 100%'. I told him that it was obvious that this isn't working and that this situation is further proof that he's never going to change. I said what are you going to do about it? He said 'Well, we're kind of in a standoff now, aren't we?" I told him to do what he thinks is right, keeping in mind that we had an agreement. I walked out of the kitchen and they continued to play the game.

At some point, I got pretty evil and I mocked something he was saying and joked him about being such a 'responsible adult'. But with that being said, I did not purposely start this argument. I always have to remind them of what time it is and lately H has been going along fine when I remind them of the time. I was surprised at his stance tonight and this situation along with how he's been letting S5 keep getting up, letting him play loudly and goof around in his bed, etc., I had had enough when he insisted that they keep playing the game. He's been pushing my buttons with the bedtime and I blew. I failed at keeping my cool.

Ideally I should have went right from 'S5, it's bedtime' to telling H 'fine, if you think it's fair and for the best, then finish the game' and walked out. Everything in the middle should not have happened, certainly not in front of S5. I just get so frustrated because there is no 'boundary' that I can put around myself and enforce here. I don't have any power to make H comply with the agreement we had and I don't have a leg to stand on with trying to get S5 to stick to his bedtime when H is telling him he doesn't have to.

I made a couple crucial mistakes tonight. Fist of all, I argued in front of S5. Second, I got carried away with how far I took the argument by mocking H and sarcastically telling him he was a 'responsible adult'. Next, I stated that 'this' isn't working, meaning the M. I tend to do that quite a bit when I am so frustrated and confused about H's actions......but he sees it as me threatening to leave all the time. I can see his point. The last mistake is coming on to post. I should have went for a walk or something instead. I know this bothers him.

I don't know if a M can come back from a place like this. Certainly my H isn't going to find his respect for me in his sock drawer like something he lost but has now found.