Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

The Peter Pan Syndrome describes H more than the dependent personality. H is always sure of himself, never needs reassurance. He knows how he feels, he knows what he likes, he knows what's wrong and what's right. It's all very black and white to him, there are no in-betweens. It seems quite the opposite of dependence. But the Peter Pan thing mostly describes him except for the dependence characteristic. I ordered the book for a quick read. I don't know how much good it will do me, but at least I can picture H in green tights when he starts being mean and maybe I won't get so defensive

I've had a bad day. Last night at the stoplight a guy in the car next to me rolled down his window to tell me I looked like I was a thousand miles away. I smiled. Inside I thought "I wish".

I was reading somebody else's thread today and read a post where an LBS told a poster who'd had an affair that he couldn't say he was sorry too often. I can't remember the last time I told H I was sorry. We're so far away from where we need to be.....we're not even in a place in our R where I feel anything I say will make a difference. Nothing I do or say is good enough, I've lost the will to try I guess. I've lost the desire to put myself out there just to be shot down. He doesn't care anyway. If I thought anything I said gave him any comfort, that would be something. I don't think he cares enough to even derive any comfort from what I may or may not say. A perfect example of this is when I tried to validate about the business dinner. H waved his hand at me and walked away.....he doesn't care. Why bother trying? Why am I even here? I don't know what to say or what to do. For now I'm going to go home and face another night.