Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

I have moments of clarity, but they still feel fleeting! I still find myself saying inside my head 'he'll come around, things will be ok, just give it more time'.....I could probably spend the rest of my life telling myself that and I'll wake up one day 60 years old. I'm torn between the advice 'you'll know when you're done' indicating that I should stay until that feeling comes and the advice 'don't waste your youth' indicating that I should leave now despite the fact that I still want to make it work.

H was pretty nice to me the day of his surgery, but since then he's gotten steadily back to his distant self. Having all the patience in the world for th kids, but snapping at me. Not saying thank you for the things I've done for him. Last night all I did was ask him two simple questions 1)How are you feeling? He indicated not good. I said 2)mmm, almost time for your pain medication? I figured I'd get a yes or a no and instead I got an irritated look. I got irritated and said Okayyy and looked away. He said "It's hard for me to talk!!!" I said "I know, I was asking simple yes or no questions that you could nod or shake your head...." He said "Fairly soon, there that is not a yes or no question".

Geez! I guess I just can't say anything to him? I know he's not feeling well, but I hear him to speak to the kids all evening and I wonder if he's feeling a little better.

Last night was also particularly bad with S5's bedtime. H was all lovey dovey and patient and lolly gagging around when S5 would get out of his bed "Heyyy buddy" hugs, etc. I went down to H's room at 10:22 to joke with him about watching the Bachelor down there (I knew he wasn't, just going to tease him) and I walked in and there is S5 in bed with H watching a cartoon. WTF??! I said "What's going on?" H said "Nothing......come on bud, let's get you back in bed." I have no idea what that was about. That stuff gets me soooo frustrated!!!!

Sunday night I asked if he wanted me to come home for lunch Monday. He said no. I said fine. He said "Well, I mean I'd like to see you, but.....maybe just tomorrow you could?" I said sure. So, I went home for lunch to visit with him and to make sure he didn't need anything. Today, I just got my stuff for lunch and packed it up and told him to have a good day. He said "You too."

I could just be taking this too personally.....probably not though. Overall I feel like the message is clear. He doesn't love me anymore.

I was thinking about our counseling session again and I remembered something I left out. He said I've never been a very good wife even before I cheated on him. The C said "What is a good wife?" He said "Well, I should say, she wasn't a very good wife to ME....maybe somebody else would be happy, maybe I just don't know what I've got, I don't know".

I started thinking about how I would define a good 'wife' and I realized that to me that term has negative connotations that go back generations and generations. What made a good wife in the 50s, 60s etc is different than what makes a good wife today isn't it? For most people? I don't know what the word 'wife' means to me.....I think it means only to be married to one's husband. To me, wife is a state, a noun. Not an adjective. I'm a good partner. Overall, I'm responsible, dependable, loving, independent and hard working. That's a good partner. I don't know if I've been a good parnter to H because he never really told me what he wanted from me except to leave him alone about the things that bothered me, not to nag him aobut drinking or video games or how else he may have chose to spend his time other than with me. I truly don't know what he wanted. I went to college and graduated with honors. I worked hard and never had problems getting jobs. I had friends, people liked me. I was responsible with money, always had good credit. I was proactive, we bought a house. I was always thinking about the future. I was dedicated, I passed my CPA exam the first time. But that's all me as a person. Who was I to H? We never enjoyed doing anything together....we sometimes played board games together or watched movies. That was it. Anytime I talked to him about doing stuff together, he'd balk. Stall. Get irritated. Sleep in. Ignore me. Play video games. Drink. Except for me rejecting him sexually too often, I don't know what other faults I had, he never told me.
In that regard, I feel like some of you LBS's where your partner tells you that they haven't been happy for years and you just sit there and think....wow, you could have told me sooner, ya know?!