Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Hey Joe, thank you for the encouragement, it's really what I need.

Don't worry about the changes he has to make just yet.

This is tough. I am very close to disclosing my full needs. I want to tell H that we either dedicate ourselves to fixing our M or else just throw in the towel. I'm tired of living halfway in and halfway out. So close....

The day I got back from Utah is when he stopped the ignoring routine. I have no idea why. Is it beacause he appreciated the way I kept him informed of what I was doing while I was in Utah? Is it because he had his surgery coming up and knew he would need me? Why?

Yesterday H had his tonsils out. We went to check him in and they repeated his information back to him to make sure everything was accurate. He had put his emergency contact as his mother. I instantly got pissed. I went and sat down. H comes and sits down one chair away from me. I get even more pissed because he can't even damn sit next to me. I tell him "Why don't you just have your mother come and wait for you?"? He said "Why?" I said "Because what is the point of being here if in the case of a complication I am not authorized to approve anything? You have your mother down as your point of contact and I am just sick to death of these games." He looks incredulously at me and says "Games?! What was the state of our R when I made this appt??" I said "I don't care...if we are still married then that's that. That's why I told you last night we have to talk about this, really talk when you are feeling better. We are either going to work on this M or we're not. I'm sick and damn tired of living in between." And I got up and walked away.

I just went to the bathroom and came back, but when I got back they had already taken him in to be prepped. The receptionist told me where he was if I wanted to join him. I opted not to.

After the surgery, most of my immediate anger was gone and when I saw him looking so tired and vulnerable, I smiled and touched him and asked how he was feeling. I got the nurse when he needed pain medication. I helped him get dressed. I asked questions about his care. I got the truck and pulled it around to pick him up. I paid for his prescriptions. He put his hand in mine and thanked me for coming...he said when I got up and walked away, he didn't know if I stayed or was leaving. I told him he was welcome....that I wouldn't have left him there, I only went to the bathroom. Later, I went to pick up his prescriptions and I got him a few different kinds of drinks, since he can't really eat anything yet. When I got back, he gave me a hug.

So, I'm pretty confused as to why he stopped ignoring me in the first place.....and why he's being a little affectionate...I guess he's just grateful I'm taking care of him? I don't know.

In my statement above, where I indicated that I had mentioned our R with H the night before his surgery, it's because I got a letter from the circuit court requesting that we either schedule our court date within 60 days or else let the court know we have reconciled. I'm confused as to what to do. I told H we need to talk about it after he's feeling better. I need to know how he feels and how dedicated he is. If we're just going to continue to half a@@ try, we might as well forget it and just go ahead with the paperwork because we're just going to end up there anyway. We have to either DO or NOT DO. That's it.

That's where I'm saying I really want to just put it all on the table. But you think I should take it slower than that? Focus on what's going right? Maybe give counseling a chance for him to get his issues out on the table first?

[koshka]

Heather,

So H has been nicer, for whatever reason. Is it possible that you could mention in MC, "H, I really felt better about us when you ________ after I came back from Utah. What was it that made you feel like _______ then?"

The court thing is really not important. If you decide to D later on, they'll have plenty of room for you. Maybe ask if they can extend their time limit because you're starting MC, if you want to preserve whatever legal work is done and paid off.

In DR it tells us that these things can take a long time. H has issues that are unrelated to your M, unless I miss my guess. So it might take even longer.

But that first step is crucial. If he will honestly work in MC, and will begin to look at his own contributions to the state of his life, your M, and the life of your family, only good can come from it.

Everyone has a limit to how much we can endure. Only you will know if you are at that limit. If you're worried that you would accept abusive treatment by giving it more time, enlist the MC to help you determine healthy boundaries, put them in place, and monitor how well you stick to them. This (MC) is a chance for growth for each of you, not just for H. Marriage is meant to be a wonderful, difficult, rewarding way to become a full, healthy individual. It's not required, but it has a lot going for it. If it's what you want, then keep going for it while you can. If you're at or past your limit, then know that you did much more than many others would do for the sake of their M, and there is no shame in that.

Hugs and prayers,

Joe

[heatherg]

One of the reasons that I'm not as hopeful about MC as I would be otherwise is that I don't think we're going to be able to go on a regular enough basis to make an impact. At the end of our last session, the C asked if we could come back next week. H said no because he would be recovering from having his tonsils out. She asked about the following Monday. H balked at that too because he might have to go out of town that week which would make his Monday really busy. If he goes out of town, who knows how long it will be before we can go again. I suggested we make the appt for Monday and if we need to cancel, we will. The counselor flat out told us that we have to be able to come regularly in order to make any difference. She said this isn't something we can do every couple of months or else it will be like starting over every time. Because I have lots of experience with H's travel and I know it can be often and without much notice, I am not optimistic about how frequently we'll be able to go.

I know things take time and I know I'm not a patient person. But afer a year a half, it seems like it's time to get serious. I've told him before that I'm not living the rest of my life like this. And yet, look how long it's been! And things are still the same, deep down. We still have the same arguments, the same issues, the same disrespect. We may be making some surface progress now and then where we're nice to either other, but hell, I'd expect my freakin roomate to be nice to me-this is my husband. I expect more. I want more and I deserve more.
Throughout the drinking, I feel like I've been waiting for 'more' our entire relationship. Here we are 11 years into it and I'm still waiting. Waiting. Getting along for a while, feeling good, optimistic. Then bam. I'm being ignored. And all the while, even when things are 'good', I can't even sleep in my own bed or give my H a kiss if the urge arises. I don't even know if I COULD kiss him at this point. It's become such a thing......like a dog being told no so long that he won't do it even if you tell him it's ok. I had a dog like that once. He wasn't allowed in the living room all of my younger years. As I got older, my parents softened up toward my animals and would try to invite him further into the house. My dog would not go. Until the day he died, he was fearful of going into our living room. That's what I feel like-a scared fu@king dog. 'Good' has a new meaning for me now. It simply means 'not absolutely miserable'. That's all I dare hope for from this M.
Even after H decides to ignore me, then decides to stop, he can look me square in the eye and tell me that it is me who determines the temperature of our R. That's what he told me yesterday when we briefly argued about his mom being the emergency point of contact. He said I determine how we get along. Same thing he always tells me. And you know what? He really believes it. Because he really believes I had no right to consider that business dinner. Therefore, how he has treated me is a direct result of MY misbehavior. He really thinks this way. No matter what he does, leaves me at the mall, locks me in the laundry room, calls 911 on me, it is all a result of my misbehavior, I've somehow brought it on myself.

Yeah, I know I'm not perfect. But I'm a hell of a lot closer than he is and I'm getting sick of waiting for him to catch up.

Sorry for the vent, better here than out loud I guess.

Thanks for listening.

[heatherg]

This weekend has been slow and uneventful which is good. H is pretty out of commission, just laying in bed playing with the kids when they wander down. We make pleasant small talk when he gets up for moment.

Yesterday at nap time, H said I could sleep in his bed with him and S5 if I wanted. I declined, said I was not going to nap today because I needed to run out and get my nails done while everyone is sleeping. I had mixed feelings about lying down in his bed anyway, so I was glad to have an excuse. This morning, D3 went into bed with H. He turned on cartoons for her, which is what we usually do and then lay around for an hour or so. He said I could come lay with them. I said, ok I guess I can. I went and got my pillow and blanket. I laid down. I couldn't close my eyes. I just stared at D3 and listened to the cartoons. I gathered my blanket and pillow and left the room. I need someone else's objective opinion on this. I don't know whether I should take every opportunity he gives me to sleep in my own bed, or is this only encouraging the half a@@ed approach we've been taking toward our M? When he has invited me into the bed, what I hear from him is that I can sleep in the bed during the day only when the kids are in the bed as well. But not at night, not as if it is my own bed.
I didn't feel comfortable in there, it's not my bed, not my room anymore. I can't tell if I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face or if I'm simply being true to myself and my feelings.
It is naptime now. H did not invite me to sleep with him and S5 and that's fine with me. I feel a little pang of regret as though I've passed up an opportunity....if I need a wake up call, please ring me.

Thanks

[heatherg]

I've finished journaling our first MC session....here it is.

H talked for probably about the first 15 mins of the session. The C asked how we were doing and H said not good. Not good at all. He first expressed that he had told me he thought counseling would probably be a bad thing for us. The C didn’t ask him to elaborate on that. He went on to say that we had a really bad couple of weeks and that his session with the C had opened up a lot of things that he had “set aside for the benefit of the marriage and the family”.

He told her that everything him and I discuss, I either type out on the internet or look up on the internet. He said he thought it was almost ‘comical’. He told her about the incident where he found a website I was looking at (Marriage Builders-LoveBusters) and he laughed. He told her that I got really upset and then told him he was no longer allowed to use my computer. I added in “I actually said ‘unless you ask me first’”. He said I thought the whole point was that whatever you do is open to me. I said “Only if you respect that right. Laughing at me was not respectful.”

He went on to talk about my business dinner and how inappropriate he thought it was under the circumstances and how I did not discuss it with him before I made the commitment to go. At various times throughout the session, we came back to this either because he brought it up or because I did. We both used it as an example of what we didn’t like about the other person.
I told H he would get farther with me if he would have explained how the business dinner made him feel (scared, anxious, whatever) because that would get empathy from me. Telling me that the dinner is inappropriate is only going to make me defensive and want to list all the reasons that it isn’t inappropriate. The C said “H, why do you think that a business dinner is inappropriate?” He said “It isn’t?” C said “No, women have to go to business dinners all the time in this day and age.” H said “With a stranger, a man they’ve never met?” C said “Sure, all the time, new clients, whatever.” H said “Well, she has a history with this…” C said “Ok, so under the circumstances, you feel it’s inappropriate”. He said yes. The C said “Ok Heather, if H had expressed his feelings instead of telling you it was inappropriate, how would you have reacted?” I said “Well, the morning of the business dinner, I gave H the benefit of the doubt and tried to validate his concerns (told him I wouldn’t drink anything, I’d call, etc)…..I would have said those things much sooner if he would have expressed his feelings to me rather than attacking me. Would I still have gone? Yes. Would I have made it as easy for him as possible? Yes.

The C asked us both what we thought the root causes for our problems were. She looked at H first. He said there was too much to pick one thing, he said there were layers of issues. The C said that may be true, but often all the layers are caused by a few core problems and if you focus on the layers instead of the core problems, you’ll never get anywhere. H ended up saying that I was a ‘self oriented person’. She said “Ok, so Heather is self-centered, is that accurate?” He said no, not self centered, self oriented. She said what is the difference? He said well, self centered is where someone consciously looks out for number one. Heather doesn’t even seem to realize she’s being selfish, she doesn’t realize how it impacts other people. It’s not intentional with her. But I see it more and more, even with the kids. I said “Can you give an example of what you’re talking about with the kids?” He said “Well, karate for one. (He looks at the counselor) I don’t know how she does it. She comes straight from work, plays with D3 for about 45 mins while S5 is doing karate and then she stays for her class right after. She hardly sees the kids on Wednesdays and Fridays.” I say nothing, but I think to myself ‘If my karate class is his best example of my selfishness, then I’m ok with that.’

When the C looked at me for my answer to what I thought the core problems were, I told her I was sure that one of the core problems is that we can’t communicate. I said H is disrespectful and dismissive of me and 99.9% of the time he is so sure he’s right, he will argue his point to it’s death. He even tells me how I feel and argues with me about my own feelings. I do not feel heard, I have not felt heard throughout this entire marriage. Before my A, I tried to tell H that I felt we were drifting apart, that I wanted to spend more time alone as a couple. I found pornography on his laptop. He argued with me about why it was wrong for me to feel the way I did. He never heard me.
He briefly defended his position that our family time should have been enough for me, stating that we did fun things and went out to dinner, etc. and I looked at him and said “Clearly it wasn’t enough for you either H, or I wouldn’t have found porn on your laptop.” I turned his own statement back on him and said “Why couldn’t our family time have been enough for you H? Why?” He did not answer.
I told the C that I don’t believe H has ever cared whether I stay or go, live or die, he just doesn’t seem to care. She asked “Do you believe he truly doesn’t care for you or do you think he’s just acted that way?” I said “Now, I believe he truly doesn’t care for me.”

I mentioned his body language and pointed out that it was disrespectful. I pointed out how he chose to sit on the chair instead of on the couch with me. How he was facing away from me. I asked him if he meant to tell me something by that and he said he didn’t notice he was turned away from me and he did not address sitting in the chair vs the couch. The C elaborated on body language some and agreed that body language can say a lot although she didn’t express an opinion on H’s body language during the session.

When we touched on the business dinner subject again, C asked what he would have liked for me to do and H expressed that he would have liked for me to have discussed it with him before I committed. I said I could have done that and next time would try to consider him first. H told the C that would never happen…that I may stick to my word if exactly the same situation happened again, but if it varied in any way, that I would be right back to doing as I please. The C got firm with him and told him that he can’t assume what I will do, he doesn’t know and that anytime one person starts thinking they know what the other person will do or say, there is trouble.

I also told him that honestly though, he is not the person I call first with good news anymore. He doesn’t seem to care anyway. I said “H, if you can tell me that you care about me, care about his marriage, say you want it to work, I am there.” He sarcastically said “Yeah.” He mentioned that something will inevitably ‘set me off’. I said “H, come on now. You admitted yourself that on the day of your C session, a lot of things had been reopened. You were not nice to me that day and you didn’t tell me why. Then the toy store incident. Things went to hell in a handbasket that day and we haven’t recovered since. Perhaps if you would have been honest with me that day and told me that you had a lot on your mind because of the counseling session things would have worked out differently.” He said something about things ‘not going my way’. I looked at the C and said “He doesn’t understand that the opposite of my way is his way. (I looked at H) “Who’s way do you think you’re fighting for? Do you think you have some higher purpose??” The C looked at H and said “Do you feel you’re better than Heather?” He said “No, no….well, except for the whole cheating thing”.

C told H he needed to stop shutting the door. She said that in order to rebuild this marriage we will have to work hard and take risks. Taking risks sometimes requires trust and that can be regained. She said it is difficult, but it is not impossible. She told H that he shut doors several times during the session and that he will have to stop doing that. H said that I blame him for everything, I blame him for my less than perfect relationship with my son. He gives his version of that and I give mine. Then he says again that I blame him for everything and C says “I don’t hear that”. H surprised, says “Oh….ok.”

At one point, the C asked H if he felt he needed help with anything or felt he needed some guidance in making any changes with himself. H seemed confused by that question so she sort of clarified, saying she mean does he have things he wants to change about himself. He said “No, it’s all R stuff”. I was bad here. I could not resist saying “No, as a person, he’s entirely perfect. I’m the one who’s been in C for 2 years because I’m messed up not him”. I apologized for my lack of restraint.




H talked for probably about the first 15 mins of the session. The C asked how we were doing and H said not good. Not good at all. He first expressed that he had told me he thought counseling would probably be a bad thing for us. The C didn’t ask him to elaborate on that. He went on to say that we had a really bad couple of weeks and that his session with the C had opened up a lot of things that he had “set aside for the benefit of the marriage and the family”.

He told her that everything him and I discuss, I either type out on the internet or look up on the internet. He said he thought it was almost ‘comical’. He told her about the incident where he found a website I was looking at (Marriage Builders-LoveBusters) and he laughed. He told her that I got really upset and then told him he was no longer allowed to use my computer. I added in “I actually said ‘unless you ask me first’”. He said I thought the whole point was that whatever you do is open to me. I said “Only if you respect that right. Laughing at me was not respectful.”

He went on to talk about my business dinner and how inappropriate he thought it was under the circumstances and how I did not discuss it with him before I made the commitment to go. At various times throughout the session, we came back to this either because he brought it up or because I did. We both used it as an example of what we didn’t like about the other person.
I told H he would get farther with me if he would have explained how the business dinner made him feel (scared, anxious, whatever) because that would get empathy from me. Telling me that the dinner is inappropriate is only going to make me defensive and want to list all the reasons that it isn’t inappropriate. The C said “H, why do you think that a business dinner is inappropriate?” He said “It isn’t?” C said “No, women have to go to business dinners all the time in this day and age.” H said “With a stranger, a man they’ve never met?” C said “Sure, all the time, new clients, whatever.” H said “Well, she has a history with this…” C said “Ok, so under the circumstances, you feel it’s inappropriate”. He said yes. The C said “Ok Heather, if H had expressed his feelings instead of telling you it was inappropriate, how would you have reacted?” I said “Well, the morning of the business dinner, I gave H the benefit of the doubt and tried to validate his concerns (told him I wouldn’t drink anything, I’d call, etc)…..I would have said those things much sooner if he would have expressed his feelings to me rather than attacking me. Would I still have gone? Yes. Would I have made it as easy for him as possible? Yes.

The C asked us both what we thought the root causes for our problems were. She looked at H first. He said there was too much to pick one thing, he said there were layers of issues. The C said that may be true, but often all the layers are caused by a few core problems and if you focus on the layers instead of the core problems, you’ll never get anywhere. H ended up saying that I was a ‘self oriented person’. She said “Ok, so Heather is self-centered, is that accurate?” He said no, not self centered, self oriented. She said what is the difference? He said well, self centered is where someone consciously looks out for number one. Heather doesn’t even seem to realize she’s being selfish, she doesn’t realize how it impacts other people. It’s not intentional with her. But I see it more and more, even with the kids. I said “Can you give an example of what you’re talking about with the kids?” He said “Well, karate for one. (He looks at the counselor) I don’t know how she does it. She comes straight from work, plays with D3 for about 45 mins while S5 is doing karate and then she stays for her class right after. She hardly sees the kids on Wednesdays and Fridays.” I say nothing, but I think to myself ‘If my karate class is his best example of my selfishness, then I’m ok with that.’

When the C looked at me for my answer to what I thought the core problems were, I told her I was sure that one of the core problems is that we can’t communicate. I said H is disrespectful and dismissive of me and 99.9% of the time he is so sure he’s right, he will argue his point to it’s death. He even tells me how I feel and argues with me about my own feelings. I do not feel heard, I have not felt heard throughout this entire marriage. Before my A, I tried to tell H that I felt we were drifting apart, that I wanted to spend more time alone as a couple. I found pornography on his laptop. He argued with me about why it was wrong for me to feel the way I did. He never heard me.
He briefly defended his position that our family time should have been enough for me, stating that we did fun things and went out to dinner, etc. and I looked at him and said “Clearly it wasn’t enough for you either H, or I wouldn’t have found porn on your laptop.” I turned his own statement back on him and said “Why couldn’t our family time have been enough for you H? Why?” He did not answer.
I told the C that I don’t believe H has ever cared whether I stay or go, live or die, he just doesn’t seem to care. She asked “Do you believe he truly doesn’t care for you or do you think he’s just acted that way?” I said “Now, I believe he truly doesn’t care for me.”

I mentioned his body language and pointed out that it was disrespectful. I pointed out how he chose to sit on the chair instead of on the couch with me. How he was facing away from me. I asked him if he meant to tell me something by that and he said he didn’t notice he was turned away from me and he did not address sitting in the chair vs the couch. The C elaborated on body language some and agreed that body language can say a lot although she didn’t express an opinion on H’s body language during the session.

When we touched on the business dinner subject again, C asked what he would have liked for me to do and H expressed that he would have liked for me to have discussed it with him before I committed. I said I could have done that and next time would try to consider him first. H told the C that would never happen…that I may stick to my word if exactly the same situation happened again, but if it varied in any way, that I would be right back to doing as I please. The C got firm with him and told him that he can’t assume what I will do, he doesn’t know and that anytime one person starts thinking they know what the other person will do or say, there is trouble.

I also told him that honestly though, he is not the person I call first with good news anymore. He doesn’t seem to care anyway. I said “H, if you can tell me that you care about me, care about his marriage, say you want it to work, I am there.” He sarcastically said “Yeah.” He mentioned that something will inevitably ‘set me off’. I said “H, come on now. You admitted yourself that on the day of your C session, a lot of things had been reopened. You were not nice to me that day and you didn’t tell me why. Then the toy store incident. Things went to hell in a handbasket that day and we haven’t recovered since. Perhaps if you would have been honest with me that day and told me that you had a lot on your mind because of the counseling session things would have worked out differently.” He said something about things ‘not going my way’. I looked at the C and said “He doesn’t understand that the opposite of my way is his way. (I looked at H) “Who’s way do you think you’re fighting for? Do you think you have some higher purpose??” The C looked at H and said “Do you feel you’re better than Heather?” He said “No, no….well, except for the whole cheating thing”.

C told H he needed to stop shutting the door. She said that in order to rebuild this marriage we will have to work hard and take risks. Taking risks sometimes requires trust and that can be regained. She said it is difficult, but it is not impossible. She told H that he shut doors several times during the session and that he will have to stop doing that. H said that I blame him for everything, I blame him for my less than perfect relationship with my son. He gives his version of that and I give mine. Then he says again that I blame him for everything and C says “I don’t hear that”. H surprised, says “Oh….ok.”

At one point, the C asked H if he felt he needed help with anything or felt he needed some guidance in making any changes with himself. H seemed confused by that question so she sort of clarified, saying she mean does he have things he wants to change about himself. He said “No, it’s all R stuff”. I was bad here. I could not resist saying “No, as a person, he’s entirely perfect. I’m the one who’s been in C for 2 years because I’m messed up not him”. I apologized for my lack of restraint.


This is my best recollection, I'm sure some things are out of order. I know it will help to keep a journal of our sessions even if I can't remember everything in it's proper order.

[NYsurvivor]

Hearing your H's answers to the C and yours, and your C's questions, it sounds to me as if your C picked up easily that it's your H that has to do the work at this point, more than you, as your answers make an awful lot of sense, Heather, and his just don't... and H's surprise at C's direction is indicative of his blinders to his own faults. Good luck. Let's see if H acknowledges his issues and works on them.

[grasshopper]

I agree. I think your H sounded surprised that the C did not see how clearly he was right. It is in keeping with what you said about him dictating your feelings to you.
I hope this is the breakthrough you need to get him looking at himself and HIS part of this spoiled marriage.
You are still doing wonderfully. Keep it up!

GH

[heatherg]

Thanks for the vote of confidence you guys.

When I was in Utah visiting my sister, I had a very disturbing experience. You could say it was a sign. My sister and her husband are very, very good friends with another couple that I met while I was there. Nice people and they've known each other for like 19 years or something crazy. We all went out to dinner the first night I was there. The other couple brought along their teenage daughter. I observed up close and personal some awful family dynamics...it terrified me and was so strikingly similar to my situation with H.....I just sat at the table watching them, thinking 'in 10 years, that could me'. Wow. The way the daughter and husband teamed up to humiliate the wife astounded me. At one point the daughter said "Mom, you know your bill comes to like two thirds of the total with that wine you're drinking. It's expensive." The Mom says "Why do you care how much the bill is?" The Daughter says "Because you're spending Daddy's hard earned money." The Mother laughed and said "And who gave you the impression that Daddy supports us?!" She went on about it for a sentence too much and her H looked at her and said "What the he!! is your problem, she was just kidding." The Daughter was dispresctful to the Mom the whole time and the Husband never said a word in her defense, in fact quite the opposite. It was clear she was Daddy's little girl. He was over there talking to her about her classes, etc and in my opinion it was a forced topic at that particular time. He was trying to prove how good of a Dad he was. I found it all sickening, literally sickening. Most people would have thought geez, he was kind of a creep and not gave it a second thought. But because I recognized the intimate dynamics of what was going on there....because I saw myself in her....I couldn't forget it. I can't forget it. It really bothered me and I can't stop thinking about how much I do not want that to be me.

[NYsurvivor]

I observed up close and personal some awful family dynamics...it terrified me...

because I recognized the intimate dynamics of what was going on there

Heather, I'd like to formally welcome you to our little world where we now recognize the dysfunctional behaviors of people on this weird little planet we're stranded on.

because I saw myself in her....I couldn't forget it. I can't forget it. It really bothered me and I can't stop thinking about how much I do not want that to be me.

Well, it's not going to be you, because you're going to refuse to let that happen to you.

I can tell from your recent posts that you're... for lack of a better term, so please forgive me... "awakening". It's been a while, and I've been waiting for this. Glad to see you there

[heatherg]

I have moments of clarity, but they still feel fleeting! I still find myself saying inside my head 'he'll come around, things will be ok, just give it more time'.....I could probably spend the rest of my life telling myself that and I'll wake up one day 60 years old. I'm torn between the advice 'you'll know when you're done' indicating that I should stay until that feeling comes and the advice 'don't waste your youth' indicating that I should leave now despite the fact that I still want to make it work.

H was pretty nice to me the day of his surgery, but since then he's gotten steadily back to his distant self. Having all the patience in the world for th kids, but snapping at me. Not saying thank you for the things I've done for him. Last night all I did was ask him two simple questions 1)How are you feeling? He indicated not good. I said 2)mmm, almost time for your pain medication? I figured I'd get a yes or a no and instead I got an irritated look. I got irritated and said Okayyy and looked away. He said "It's hard for me to talk!!!" I said "I know, I was asking simple yes or no questions that you could nod or shake your head...." He said "Fairly soon, there that is not a yes or no question".

Geez! I guess I just can't say anything to him? I know he's not feeling well, but I hear him to speak to the kids all evening and I wonder if he's feeling a little better.

Last night was also particularly bad with S5's bedtime. H was all lovey dovey and patient and lolly gagging around when S5 would get out of his bed "Heyyy buddy" hugs, etc. I went down to H's room at 10:22 to joke with him about watching the Bachelor down there (I knew he wasn't, just going to tease him) and I walked in and there is S5 in bed with H watching a cartoon. WTF??! I said "What's going on?" H said "Nothing......come on bud, let's get you back in bed." I have no idea what that was about. That stuff gets me soooo frustrated!!!!

Sunday night I asked if he wanted me to come home for lunch Monday. He said no. I said fine. He said "Well, I mean I'd like to see you, but.....maybe just tomorrow you could?" I said sure. So, I went home for lunch to visit with him and to make sure he didn't need anything. Today, I just got my stuff for lunch and packed it up and told him to have a good day. He said "You too."

I could just be taking this too personally.....probably not though. Overall I feel like the message is clear. He doesn't love me anymore.

I was thinking about our counseling session again and I remembered something I left out. He said I've never been a very good wife even before I cheated on him. The C said "What is a good wife?" He said "Well, I should say, she wasn't a very good wife to ME....maybe somebody else would be happy, maybe I just don't know what I've got, I don't know".

I started thinking about how I would define a good 'wife' and I realized that to me that term has negative connotations that go back generations and generations. What made a good wife in the 50s, 60s etc is different than what makes a good wife today isn't it? For most people? I don't know what the word 'wife' means to me.....I think it means only to be married to one's husband. To me, wife is a state, a noun. Not an adjective. I'm a good partner. Overall, I'm responsible, dependable, loving, independent and hard working. That's a good partner. I don't know if I've been a good parnter to H because he never really told me what he wanted from me except to leave him alone about the things that bothered me, not to nag him aobut drinking or video games or how else he may have chose to spend his time other than with me. I truly don't know what he wanted. I went to college and graduated with honors. I worked hard and never had problems getting jobs. I had friends, people liked me. I was responsible with money, always had good credit. I was proactive, we bought a house. I was always thinking about the future. I was dedicated, I passed my CPA exam the first time. But that's all me as a person. Who was I to H? We never enjoyed doing anything together....we sometimes played board games together or watched movies. That was it. Anytime I talked to him about doing stuff together, he'd balk. Stall. Get irritated. Sleep in. Ignore me. Play video games. Drink. Except for me rejecting him sexually too often, I don't know what other faults I had, he never told me.
In that regard, I feel like some of you LBS's where your partner tells you that they haven't been happy for years and you just sit there and think....wow, you could have told me sooner, ya know?!