Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

This weekend has been slow and uneventful which is good. H is pretty out of commission, just laying in bed playing with the kids when they wander down. We make pleasant small talk when he gets up for moment.

Yesterday at nap time, H said I could sleep in his bed with him and S5 if I wanted. I declined, said I was not going to nap today because I needed to run out and get my nails done while everyone is sleeping. I had mixed feelings about lying down in his bed anyway, so I was glad to have an excuse. This morning, D3 went into bed with H. He turned on cartoons for her, which is what we usually do and then lay around for an hour or so. He said I could come lay with them. I said, ok I guess I can. I went and got my pillow and blanket. I laid down. I couldn't close my eyes. I just stared at D3 and listened to the cartoons. I gathered my blanket and pillow and left the room. I need someone else's objective opinion on this. I don't know whether I should take every opportunity he gives me to sleep in my own bed, or is this only encouraging the half a@@ed approach we've been taking toward our M? When he has invited me into the bed, what I hear from him is that I can sleep in the bed during the day only when the kids are in the bed as well. But not at night, not as if it is my own bed.
I didn't feel comfortable in there, it's not my bed, not my room anymore. I can't tell if I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face or if I'm simply being true to myself and my feelings.
It is naptime now. H did not invite me to sleep with him and S5 and that's fine with me. I feel a little pang of regret as though I've passed up an opportunity....if I need a wake up call, please ring me.

Thanks