Hey Joe, thank you for the encouragement, it's really what I need.
Don't worry about the changes he has to make just yet.
This is tough. I am very close to disclosing my full needs. I want to tell H that we either dedicate ourselves to fixing our M or else just throw in the towel. I'm tired of living halfway in and halfway out. So close....
The day I got back from Utah is when he stopped the ignoring routine. I have no idea why. Is it beacause he appreciated the way I kept him informed of what I was doing while I was in Utah? Is it because he had his surgery coming up and knew he would need me? Why?
Yesterday H had his tonsils out. We went to check him in and they repeated his information back to him to make sure everything was accurate. He had put his emergency contact as his mother. I instantly got pissed. I went and sat down. H comes and sits down one chair away from me. I get even more pissed because he can't even damn sit next to me. I tell him "Why don't you just have your mother come and wait for you?"? He said "Why?" I said "Because what is the point of being here if in the case of a complication I am not authorized to approve anything? You have your mother down as your point of contact and I am just sick to death of these games." He looks incredulously at me and says "Games?! What was the state of our R when I made this appt??" I said "I don't care...if we are still married then that's that. That's why I told you last night we have to talk about this, really talk when you are feeling better. We are either going to work on this M or we're not. I'm sick and damn tired of living in between." And I got up and walked away.
I just went to the bathroom and came back, but when I got back they had already taken him in to be prepped. The receptionist told me where he was if I wanted to join him. I opted not to.
After the surgery, most of my immediate anger was gone and when I saw him looking so tired and vulnerable, I smiled and touched him and asked how he was feeling. I got the nurse when he needed pain medication. I helped him get dressed. I asked questions about his care. I got the truck and pulled it around to pick him up. I paid for his prescriptions. He put his hand in mine and thanked me for coming...he said when I got up and walked away, he didn't know if I stayed or was leaving. I told him he was welcome....that I wouldn't have left him there, I only went to the bathroom. Later, I went to pick up his prescriptions and I got him a few different kinds of drinks, since he can't really eat anything yet. When I got back, he gave me a hug.
So, I'm pretty confused as to why he stopped ignoring me in the first place.....and why he's being a little affectionate...I guess he's just grateful I'm taking care of him? I don't know.
In my statement above, where I indicated that I had mentioned our R with H the night before his surgery, it's because I got a letter from the circuit court requesting that we either schedule our court date within 60 days or else let the court know we have reconciled. I'm confused as to what to do. I told H we need to talk about it after he's feeling better. I need to know how he feels and how dedicated he is. If we're just going to continue to half a@@ try, we might as well forget it and just go ahead with the paperwork because we're just going to end up there anyway. We have to either DO or NOT DO. That's it.
That's where I'm saying I really want to just put it all on the table. But you think I should take it slower than that? Focus on what's going right? Maybe give counseling a chance for him to get his issues out on the table first?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
