Learning to Trust Myself VI

[koshka]

Heather,

Glad you had a good trip. Now that you're safely at home, let me bring out the two-by-four.

I don't know if counseling can help us

You don't know that it won't, either.

I feel like the gap is just becoming too big, the changes he'd have to make are too great.

Don't worry about the changes he has to make just yet. Focus on something else, like the fact that he went, and he talked a lot. How many guys wouldn't go? How many folks right here suspected that your H wouldn't go? I know I wasn't confident, based on his track record.

And he doesn't see any change in me worth anything, so I don't know what more I can do for him.

It's not your job to do anything for him. Do for yourself. You deserve the best you can do. Do for your kids (while they're kids). They legitimately need guidance and support. Do for your M. It's living and needs care. But H can do for himself what he needs for himself. It's part of being a grown up in a relationship.

I will probably journal a little about our counseling session later, I need to try to create a record of what we talked about, etc. so I will be able to monitor progress or lack thereof.

Excellent idea! I think I read about something like that once, in a book called "Divorce Remedy" or some such.

Heather, some people save their marriages and go on to much better relationships with their S than they had even believed was possible. You and H might be two of those people. It's not over yet, and you can't know how the MC will work out unless you put all of what you can give to it into it. It is possible that H won't work at it. I spent two years in MC with XW who admitted at the end that she didn't work at it (and MC agreed with her). But I came out of that knowing that I did what I could, even when I wasn't a perfect DBer (which was quite often!), I still kept trying.

Keep trying. You're not out of the woods yet, but you're not out of the game yet, either. Look at the positives. Keep taking care of yourself, like with the karate. And maybe get back to your writing, whether you share it with H or not, just for the pleasure it gives you.

Thanks,

Joe