Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Floating along, nothing has changed. H still isn't speaking to me. Anything I say to him he disregards, even if I'm saying 'thank you'....he just gets that dismissive look on his face and waves his hand at me or rolls his eyes at me. Last night I said "Can't you just say you're welcome??"

For the most part, he hasn't been getting to me. So, this morning it seems he tried harder. I asked him to brush S5's teeth and he completely ignored me. I brushed them while he continued to sit on the couch and snuggle. I like getting my kids ready and taking care of them, it's just that H insists on getting in my way and slowing down the process just to irritate me. And OMG, does it ever irritate me. This morning when he ignored me, all I said was "This is getting old" meaning his attitude.

Our first MC session is scheduled for the 13th. I would be pretty surprised if he still comes. It seems to me he has already made up his mind, but I know he will blame it on me. Because I went to a session alone or because I planned to go to that business dinner or because I am going to UT. Who knows exactly why, probably all of the above.

Right now, I'm trying to stay calm, not to let him get to me. I'm being pleasant, saying things to him, telling him things that don't require an answer. Trying to show him that I can still be me and still be relatively happy even if he chooses to be an a@@. I will not initiate any R talk, none. Unless he brings it up, I am finished talking. Talking has gotten me nowhere. If on the slim chance he brings it up, I will listen only. And then cut it short if he starts being disrespectful, which I give him all of 10 minutes.

That's my plan. I have put all my books away so he cannot see them. I am currenly reading "Back from Betrayal" which is a book written by a betrayed woman whose marriage was repaired and I think he did see that book. I'm trying to keep my current ones hidden, but that's not very feasible. At least my old ones are put away so it no longer looks like I have a library of self help books. I also am going to try not to update or read this BB at night while I'm home. I do this right out in our living room to be transparent to him so he doesn't think I'm doing anything wrong, but the downside to that is that he may feel uncomfortable. Sort of like two people whispering in a room while another is present....they could be whispering about the weather, but chances are that person will be convinced the other two are whispering about her/him. I think it might actually be rude to do this in front of him and I hadn't really considered that before. I'll just post during the day.

I am wearing my rings. Being as pleasant as I can be. Giving him as much space as I can. Not talking about fixing our R nor about leaving. Loving my kids. Going to karate. Working. Reading. That is my typical life and lately anything outside of that has gotten me into trouble with H, such as my business dinner and my trip to Utah. Oh well.

Thanks for listening.