I'm getting by ok. My mood has been mostly neutral these last couple of days, which is really good. I wish I was happy, but neutral is better than miserable and it's better than irritable where I might react to H.
His family came over tonight. At first, I felt really awkward and I just sort of stayed out of everyone's way. After a half hour or so, I felt more at ease and made some conversation. I have absolutely no idea how they feel about any of this, so it makes me uneasy sometimes. I feel very territorial when they walk down the hallway or enter 'H's room'. Since it has become H's room, he's opened it up to the kids when they come over and they play on the bed, etc. So the adults just walk back and forth past the bedrooms and I don't like it that they can see I'm still not in my own room. My life is like an open book in that respect I guess. Tonight I even referred to the room as 'his room' in front of his family, not on purposes, it just sort of came out. It's what I've come to think of it as I guess.
H and the kids took a nap this afternoon and I went out shopping. I just sort of do my own thing...floating along. Tonight I gave his hat a playful tap, I called toward the end of my shopping trip to see if his family was there yet, if the kids were up and to let him know where I was and that I'd be home shortly.
Nothing stays the same forever. His attitude will change. I just have to wait it out. And hope that this is all part of the process, the ups and downs of sticking it out.
Separation really cannot be mentioned again until I'm 100% sure it's what I'm going to do. He needs to feel secure that I'm not thinking about walking out the door every time we don't get along. Meanwhile, I live half my life imagining what it would be like without him and envisioning myself alone and half my life desperately trying to fix my M. But the thoughts about separtion have to be kept to myself.
I'm curious to see how tomorrow is going to go with daycare. He's had a couple days to cool down since I asked the kids if they wanted Daddy to take them to daycare Friday. Maybe he'll have calmed down. It's really hard to say. I'm acting As If. Washing their blankets and putting them in my car as usual, setting my alarm for the usual time.
Wish me luck.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
