Learning to Trust Myself VI

[heatherg]

Ok, I thought about changing the title of my thread because I can see myself getting to Learning to Trust Myself 5,687.....once I get to a certain point I'll have to stop using roman numerals because I'm not that smart.

But, learning to trust myself is apparently a very long process and I haven't mastered it yet. So, onward with my thread title.

I can't believe I got locked out after not even 8 full pages. What is up with that? Some people's threads have gone on to page 11. Hmm.

Why is it up to him to let you go? This is your life, not his.

I know. I guess I just mean that if we would actually make a real choice instead of just making me so miserable that I'm the one who ends up making the choice, then it would be a mutual agreement and maybe cooperation would come more easily. In my eyes, to separate really is his decision. I may be the one who ultimately moves out, but it's not what I want....it would only be because I felt I had no other options. If I just up and leave, I truly feel that this would be practically a life long battle. If he would just admit to himself that things can't go on this way, maybe we could decide on the course of action together.....

See, the problem is that when people are so bent on having to see things happen in a manner according to their vision, they get upset even when things are OK.


I worry that this was me before my A. Our major issues back then were control issues with S5 (even though I didn't realize they were control issues then I just thought I wasn't a good Mom), H's drinking (which got better over the years), the pornography (which I expressed my hurt about to no avail), and the fact that I wanted to spend more alone time together and nurture our R (which I also expressed and was told I was selfish and would never be happy with anything). Other than that, I loved H's family and he loved mine. We had great family outings, our kids were happy. We would snuggle and watch movies. He would tuck me in every night. He would always get my drinks and open the doors for me. Ultimately, I only saw the things that were wrong and felt disposable. Would H open the doors for whatever woman he happened to pick in life? I believe he would have. What the he!! made me so special? Nothing as far as I could tell. But geez, to go out and have some affair with some strange creepy looking guy??? WTH was I thinking? It is really hard for even me to forgive me, I can't begin to imagine how H feels.

in the meantime, you gave up doing the dinner, which makes you feel happy or resentful, I wonder...

Neither really. If I had a choice, obviously I would rather have spent the evening with my kids. So that was the upside of not going, I got to do what I really wanted. The downside was that I had a responsibility to my boss that I bowed out on. And H never even said thank you. That fact does actually make me a little ticked.

what I would try is to drop everything, and I mean everything. Stop. Don't do anything anymore. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Let him put the kids to bed. Let him get them ready in the morning. Let him fix dinner, let him take out the garbage, let him do it ALL. No pointing anything out to him. Tell him you give up. He argues against your participation and responsibility, so... see what happens when the onus is completely on him being responsible for it all.

I have done this some. The house is a Wreck. Notice the capital W, because it is truly warranted. There are toys everywhere, you cannot walk in our living room. I have made no effort to pick them up. I heard H tell the kids yesterday that we are having his family over for a 'Superbowl Party' today. I'm not cooking anything, I'm not cleaning anything. He refuses to speak to me, he goes down in his room after the kids are in bed and watches tv down there. This is miles from where we were. We were actually watching movies together and getting along very well. Until the toy store night. Even after that, I didn't let it affect me for more than a couple days. There's nothing I could do about it and I knew I had to let it go. But he is not speaking or interacting with me and I guess it's all about the business dinner, even though I didn't go. He knows I would have gone if he wouldn't have had to work, so he's still justified in being angry with me I guess.

As far as the caretaking of the kids goes, I mentioned in one of my last posts on my previous thread that primary caretaker is an important role in considering custody and I don't know that right now is the time to let him assume that role. What do you think? Although, if he refuses to let me take them to daycare next week, it will happen by default.

I leave this Thursday for Utah for my sister's retirement ceremony. I reminded H this morning. I said "Remember I leave for Utah Thursday." He said "No, I didn't remember that". Even his mother remembered...yesterday she mentioned it while we were at lunch. H just doesn't give a damn, he refuses to even remember important things in my life. You might remember he also forgot the business dinner...calling me at quarter to five that evening to tell me I needed to pick up the kids, claiming to have forgotten about my dinner even though I had just reminded him that morning. Anyway, my guess is he's not going to get any nicer with the Utah trip coming up....if the business dinner wore on his nerves, I can only imagine how he feels about a trip out of state without him. He has not offered to take me to the airport and when I asked him to pick me up on Sunday when I get home, he said no because it is his nephew's birthday party. But he doesn't even know what time the birthday party is but says it doesn't matter because it will be too inconvenient to come to the airport from where his sister lives. I cannot dispute that it would be an inconvenience, it would. I could not get an earlier flight. As it is, we will have to leave for the airport at 5am Sunday morning in order for me to get in at 5pm. I didn't want to miss nephew's birthday either and planned to go out there as soon as I fly in. I'll have to ask my brother to drop me off on Thurs and pick me up on Sunday. If he can't I will take a cab.

H has his tonsils out Friday, Feb 17. I had taken the day off to take him and be with him. That would be the wifey thing to do and it's what I wanted to do at the time because we were actually acting like we had some sort of R. Now, I don't know what the he!! I'm supposed to do.