W31, OM20

[PositivelyListening]

Hang in there, RB. I had a wonderful conversation with a friend of mine on Thursday night, about being divinely guided. Everything is unfolding as it should. You are learning and growing. I know you have been suffering, but learning about unconditional love and humility can only be a good thing.

Or so I tell myself whenever I can get there

Her affair is like an addiction, she knows it is not good for her. I can tell she loves you, and wants to make her way back home. Hang in there, you are doing great.

[RBinBR]

Thanks, PL. I'm going to be OK no matter what, but I have to admit that I've waited over 5 months for this to happen and it's very scary to hear W say that she doesn't know if she can go through with it and she may get back with OM because she can't stand the pain. If she invites him back into her life, it will simply start this all over again. I will survive that, but the possibility of ending it now is so tantalizing -- I can't help desiring it deeply and knowing that I'll be disappointed if we have to go around again.

According to her, OM still thinks that she's going to get back together with him and they will eventually be married -- as soon as I quit "holding her hostage" by refusing to divorce her.

[RBinBR]

All right. I'm about to try a risky experiment. I'm going to make a deal with W and OM. If they will agree not to communicate for 5 weeks, then I will give my W a divorce at the end if she wants that.

My Louisiana covenant marriage has a requirement that 2 years of separation are required before a divorce can be granted (except in cases of adultery where the loyal spouse wants to file). This has been my trump card -- the fact that my W can't divorce me for another 21 months now.

My W doesn't want a divorce now, anyway -- she's trying to do the right thing and repair her R with me. The purpose of this is mainly to get OM to stop calling her and texting her for a while so that she can have the chance to love me again, and also to make it easier for W -- instead of my demanding that she never speak to him again, she only has to pledge not to talk to him for 5 weeks. That will give us time to relax and work on our R. We will go to a marriage conference, go to weekly counseling, spend a lot of time together, and finish with the Disney trip I had already planned.

The book that suggested this plan, Torn Asunder, actually calls for a 90-day experiment -- not a 35-day experiment. However, because my W and I have such a good friendship right now, and because my W wants to love me and be happy with me, I think it will take a lot less. Normally, the time to break any addiction is about a month to get through withdrawal, and my understanding is that affairs are typically the same way. We'll see. I still have to talk to the OM to get his agreement, but he told W he is willing to do it.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB,

I don't see how it is in the OM's interests to support this plan. What makes you think he will not sabotage it? It is interesting how the tables are turned in a triangle - the OM thinks YOU are holding her hostage? You are her husband. I am so impressed at your faithful love for her.

I am currently reading "Surviving an Affair" by Harley. He recommends cutting off the affair immediately forever if possible. But he says it is six months to become free from the addiction, with no contact during that time, and even one sighting starts the clock over. I don't know if I was you, if I would skimp on the time part of the request. Are you afraid if you ask for too much, your wife won't agree? Six months is a lot less than 21. Five weeks is a very short period of time. I encourage you not to short-change your opportunity for dedicated time together. I believe your wife wants to come home, and she needs your help to get disentangled from a very addictive OM.

By the way, in this book I am reading, in order to ensure compliance with no contact, the phone number, e-mail address, everything is changed. The spouses agree to this together. And there is an agreement between the spouses to check in each day to confirm whether there was contact with the OM. If so, you say thank you for being honest, and you discuss what further precautions are needed, and the clock starts over. It seems like you might be able to negotiate a longer break and be very clear about the boundaries during the break - and if your wife agrees, because she wants to give the marriage a chance, then you are supporting her wishes and protecting her needs too.

Just my thoughts.

[oldtimer]

I wouldn't back off the no contact rule.

She can block his number, I believe, so he can neither text or call her. She can filter his emails to be deleted. She can tell him that if he continues to contact her she will get a court order. You can check on the laws to see what you need to do to sue him if he continues to interfere in your marriage.

There is NO reason for either of your to accommodate OMs needs. Time for you to stop. If W continues, I'd not begin reconciling, if I were you.

If this is really about accommodating your needs or Ws needs, the story may be different. But, I don't think it is helping your W to not establish firm boundaries with respect to the conditions you will live with -- those boundaries are about you, not about controlling OM or her.

Best,
Oldtimer

[RBinBR]

Well, she went back to him. She couldn't take the pain. That didn't even last two days.

I'm going to go with Harley's Plan B now. I'm not going to speak to her or see her face until the A is completely over and has been over for a week.

This was frustrating, but it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought. I guess I knew this was likely to happen.

[Donlee]

I am sorry this happened. Take care of yourself and keep focused. Things will work out for you.

[RBinBR]

Well, W met with her cousin and her best friend tonight, so hopefully she is getting some good counsel, and hopefully she will change her mind. Supposedly, OM isn't going to come back until Wednesday, so there are a couple of days to change her mind. Cousin got her to agree to meet a friend who had an affair herself to talk about her testimony, so maybe that will do some good as well.

[grasshopper]

RB,

Wish I'd been here over the weeked to share your relative happiness before this happened. Reading your posts, I was SO hoping for the beginning of a happy ending for you.
It's still possible but I wish you didn't have to go through more hell to get there.
Look forward to that trip with your D and hopefully other things will work our for you.
OBVIOUSLY you W is going through some intense confusion and that's a good thing. You knew it was comming. Just keep your wits about you and keep doing the right thing.

GH

[RBinBR]

Thanks GH. It was so sad to see that process -- her honest despair, her struggle, and her eventual retreat from everything she said and did Friday night.

The worst part is the way it disintegrated in such an argument as she was leaving again. I wish I could have handled some things better, but I did try.

Something fascinating -- W ultimately said that she didn't want to do that 5-week plan I offered because she was afraid that she would choose OM and the divorce at the end of it. In other words, she still knows at some level that it's not going to work out with the OM, and she doesn't want a divorce because she still wants me there when it really is over between them. It's good to know that I'm still the #1 backup plan [/sarcasm].