W31, OM20

[RBinBR]

Well, D has left on a 5-day trip with my in-laws, so I will be home alone for a while. I wonder if I will see W without having D around as an "excuse" to stop by. OM is extremely jealous of the time she spends with me -- so she'll have to do it secretly if she does.

Speaking of which, I'm now very worried about something that W said yesterday. Apparently, their big fight (which resulted in her temporarily kicking him out) erupted because he is demanding to spend time with our D, whom he still hasn't met.

W has been in agreement with me that D shouldn't see OM for several reasons, not the least of which is that she may end the A soon (her own words and thought). She also knows that D is having a hard enough time right now without mommy being at home and doesn't need the extra emotional pain of comprehending that her mommy doesn't love her daddy right now. She's only 4 years old, after all.

My concern is that W has done many things recently to placate OM. She first insisted to him that his living with her could only be temporary, and now it's turned out out to be permanent. She initially refused to help him finance a car, and now she's done it. She refused to pay his bills, and now she's done it.

So now, she's refused to let him see D -- will she placate him again?

I understand what OM is doing. He senses that W is torn. As she told me herself yesterday, "When I'm with you, I want to end the A and come back, but when I'm with him, I don't want to ever leave him." OM knows that the time she spends with me and D together is drawing her back toward me and he is making a play to have D over there so that they can start being a "family." That way, W won't need to be around me and OM won't have to be jealous.

I just don't know what to do if she decides that she wants D over there. I had previously resisted filing for a legal separation and getting a legal custody agreement because we were able to work things out and I trusted her not to expose D to OM.

If she tells me that she wants D over there, do I file? I desperately don't want D exposed to him. He smokes (though not in their aparment), he's a thief, he was unconcerned about getting W pregnant, he drives too fast (has a radar detector), he's financially irresponsible and in the process of filing for bankruptcy, and worst of all -- I know that he has a temper.

The problem is that my lawyer previously told me that I was unlikely to truly be able to keep D away from OM. Even if the custody arrangement were to state that she couldn't see him for six months, there would be no way to really enforce that.

But I would feel compelled to try rather than expose my D to a situation that I feel could be dangerous to her. Also, if I were serious about filing for custody, it might cause W to back off, because she's back in financial difficulty and doesn't want to spend big bucks on lawyers.

I really hope that I'm worried for nothing, but I'm just trying to make plans for the possibility.

I also feel that, if it comes to this, I will have to go to the "after the last resort" technique and go dark and stay dark until it's all over. That's scary. I went dark for three weeks before, but that was mainly for myself, and my W knew that.

I could really use some advice now.