W31, OM20

[lpdcop]

Yeah. I know what you mean about some days being better than others. The past 3 have been awful for me. Today has been the worst. Not sure why though. Nothing has changed. She still hasn't called, I'm still waiting on the divorce papers. So on and so on.

I've got to admit though, after reading your posts, I have a great deal of respect for your self control. I am very impressed. The best I can get away with is rehashing my argument for why she should come back. I don't mean to, but the heart overpowers the brain. I think that this dark period will at least give her time to reconsider. Do I think she will? No. Do I have faith that something good could happen? Yes.

I hope that you can continue your excellent handling of your situation. I only wish mine was going half as well.

[RBinBR]

Well, not much to report. I got myself un-depressed on Sunday and have basically been OK, as I have been doing some good things with my new pornography addiction ministry. GAL is definitely the antidote to WAW-induced depression.

W came over tonight, supposedly to see D. However, she spent most of her time here talking to clients on the phone -- she only spent about 15 minutes with D, who gave herself an athsma attack because she was so excited to see her mommy. It's like my W is in her own little world and can't see the hurt she's inflicting on D.

[grasshopper]

To me that's the worst thing they do; cheat on the kids. Sure, no more that we should stick this out for the kids, our spouses shouldn't deny their unhappiness because of them but sometime the things they are able to do in the name of "being happy" really baffles me. Of course, as soon as WE bring up the kids, we're using them against our spouses. Um...yea.
Sorry. Just commiserating with you. Carry on...

GH

[Walking]

and have basically been OK, as I have been doing some good things with my new pornography addiction

lol

I had to read this several times before I understood what you meant. I thought it was that in order to GAL you have developed a pornography addiction - well separating from your partner will do that to you!!!

Take it easy, V

[NewJohn]

RB, I know you are frustrated because your W seems like she is on the verge of leaving OM, but hasn't. Be thankful you are even seeing that indecision. It sure seems like it's only a matter of time for you. I only wish I were at a similar point in my sitch.

My W now talks to me since I started to DB, but she is anxious to start separation so that she can get a divorce in a year. No signs of any doubts about OM. He is her knight in shining armor. They will live happily ever after.

W started EA with OM 4mos ago on internet. They have only met once in person(!), but talk on the phone constantly. How do you get to really know someone that way? Great foundation for a long-term R, huh?

NewJohn

[RBinBR]

NewJohn, I know the feeling. My W had actually only seen OM on four brief occasions when she decided she wanted to divorce me to be with him. It's crazy, isn't it? If our W's had been single, they would never have decided to marry someone they knew so little about. Now, though, it's not only enough to decide they want to be with the OM's forever, its also more than enough to commit a horrible sin, destroy others' lives, and throw away a marriage they had spent years working on. Amazing!

I'm very fortunate to have a special Covenant Marriage here in Louisiana, which in my case means that W can't divorce me until after two years of separation, though I could now divorce her immediately if I wanted to. It's funny because she's the one who was most eager for us to get married with that option, because when we were engaged and during the first year of our marriage, she was worried that I might stray (for no good reason other than insecurity).

I know that my W would have filed for D in January if she could have, and I think that the knowledge that my W will be my W for two years has been a big discouragement to the OM, so having that Covenant Marriage has been a huge blessing. Now, though, I know that W would not file if she could, because she's pretty sure that she wants to return to our marriage eventually.

[RBinBR]

To me that's the worst thing they do; cheat on the kids

It just boggles my mind. D hadn't seen mommy since Thursday night -- that's a long time for a 4-year-old, especially for one who had mommy at home full-time for 2 1/2 of them.

W walks in an hour before D's bedtime, sits down, and then says "Oh, I forgot. I've got to make a couple of calls." WTH? D is literally jumping up and down because her mommy is here, and W makes sales calls that she could have made earlier in the day.

[RBinBR]

Well, W spent a lot of time with D tonight, according to in-laws (I had my group meeting tonight and wasn't there).

Since I don't really feel any better, maybe I was just angry last night because W didn't spend any time talking to me ... time to work some more on detachment, I guess.

[RBinBR]

OK, that was really great. W came by this morning to bring some of D's medicine that she had left over at her place last week. We went out for breakfast, then she snuggled with me on the couch and took a nap in my arms. Later, a little petting and touching. She had been really stressed this morning from work and also got a traffic ticket, and it's clear that letting me hold her relaxes her.

I wanted to make a bit of a play, so I said playfully "Run away with me this weekend. Let's just get in the car and go somewhere." She asked me where, and I suggested several places or just anywhere, and she laughed and said "it's not time for that yet."

So, I did a little pursuing and a R check (which I know is not DB), but I did it in a non-pressuring, non-serious way that I don't really think hurt anything. Besides, one of the things that supposedly attracted her to the OM is that he is so spontaneous. I love vacations so much that I want to maximize my enjoyment of them, so I typically plan any vacation to the extreme. Saying things like "let's just get in the car and go somewhere" is a kind of 180, which is why she laughed.

Anyway, "it's not time for that yet" is definitely something I'll take gladly at this point. There's no question that it beats "Sorry, I'm dedicated to my R with OM now" (which is the kind of thing I heard a month ago) or even "I don't know which way I'm going to go" (which I heard as recently as a week ago).

I suggested that she, D, and I eat a picnic lunch by a lake tomorrow, and she eagerly accepted. I'm going to get us some hot boiled crawfish (btw, if you're not from Louisiana, you need to go to a crawfish boil sometime in your life), and she was excited about that, because they've been very expensive this year -- the hurricanes messed up the crop.

It's really a fine line that I'm trying to walk, trying to be romantic while not pursuing in a way that's going to push her away. I know that she wants a little pursuing right now.

I especially need to tell myself not to be too sexually aggressive in these times that I get opportunities to hold her and love her. The thing is, it's clear that she really wants to kiss me and ML, and I feel that doing so would cause a dam of emotion to break and end the A (she may know that and be resisting for that reason). That makes me want to try to get her to do it. At the same time, though, she is resisting (I assume out of a warped loyality to OM), and pressuring her is very bad, so I must stop it.

[RBinBR]

Well, I guess she wasn't that eager for the picnic lunch, since she forgot about it today. We may still do it later this afternoon. Oh, well.