W31, OM20

[RBinBR]

All right. I've updated you on my W; now I'll let you know more about me. During the 3 weeks I was dark with her, I really focused on self-improvement. I read a great book "When Anger Hits Home" that helped me realize how I have developed patterns of anger with my W, and how I brought that into our R from my parents' marriage.

I also started a group at my church helping men overcome pornography addiction. I started that by going in front of my (large) church and gave my personal testimony of how porn had hurt my life. This has been incredibly empowering (as well as having the added bonus of drawing respect from my W). I've started contacting additional churches about sharing with them, and I will be speaking in another church this Sunday.

I'm also going to be taking a big step and take this ministry in our prison system. This was partially inspired from reading the interview that Ted Bundy did with Dr. James Dobson just before he was executed, when he talked about how viewing increasingly violent porn had led him into a fantasy world where he eventually felt compelled to act. Who knows? This ministry could some day save some teenage girl from getting raped and murdered.

It's funny, but every time I start to feel sorry for myself, I feel God urging me onward into more service for him. When I am serving God and focusing on Him, I miss W much less.

I've also drawn a lot of spiritual inspiration from reading the stories of Joseph and Job. They remind me that God's timing is His own and I need to be patient and wait on Him.

Another irony is that, as my W is making progress, I'm getting increasingly angry with her. I've pretty much removed my own expectations, but seeing my D get hurt sets me off.

When W told me a week ago that she was depressed because she missed D and missed being part of a family, the next day I was furious. "What about the fact that D cries just about every day because she misses you?" I wanted to scream. I can hardly believe that she still doesn't get that life is about more than HER feelings.

Yesterday was one of the three days a week she is supposed to visit D, and she didn't visit, didn't call, and didn't return my call to ask if she was coming over. Needless to say, I'm angry again.

If she ever calls, I'm going to very politely and calmly explain to her why I'm upset and see if we can agree on a system for her to contact me for the future.