W31, OM20

[RBinBR]

Well, my computer is broken, so I'm not going to be able to post nearly as frequently now. This may be my last post for a while.

W left me a voice mail at 2:30 saying that she was sending me an email (no mention of what it was about). It's now almost midnight and no email. A couple of weeks ago this would be driving me nuts, but now I can pretty much just shrug my shoulders.

Taking stock of my sitch:

Staying dark for a while and rededicating myself to God have really helped me find some peace. I still love my W just as much as before, but I know now that I'll be fine if she never comes back. I may have lost my relationship with her, but my relationship with God has grown dramatically, and I know that He will never leave me or forsake me. There certainly isn't anything wrong with romantic love, but I don't HAVE to have it to be happy.

I'm very excited about the new support group I'm launching on Sunday helping men with pornography. I met with our pastor today and saw the inserts for the church bulletin, went over my testimony, and discussed ideas for running the group. I'm continuing to do the study in advance, so that I can be prepared, and I'm now on day 10 of the 60-day study at www.settingcaptivesfree.com.

I've got a new career plan and am getting certified this summer as a schoolteacher so that I can better take care of D.

I'm having fun taking ballroom dancing lessons. I'm planning a vacation for myself and D.

I'm continuing to get in better shape. I've lost 15 pounds since W first confessed to the A on Oct 29, but I just set a personal best of 45 pushups and 14:50 in a 2-mile run. It feels great to be healthy and fit and to know that I look good.

My W is no longer the focus of my life. If she comes back, she comes back. If not, then it's her loss (not that I'm so great to live with -- I'm talking about her losing her self-respect, her relationship with God, her closeness to her family, her ability to live with D most of the time, etc.)

I'm not saying that I don't sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and wish I could reach out and hold her close, but (overall) I'm OK, and after the excruciating pain of the past few months, that's something to be grateful for.

Thanks to everyone in these forums who helped me get to this place.