Well, I saw W today. My plan was to stay absolutely dark, but it couldn't be avoided because my in-laws' plans changed and I had to exchange D.
She asked if she could stay for a while, and I said no. She apologized for arguing with me 3 days ago. I nonchalantly said "OK". She also told me that she's isn't pregnant (which is truly a great relief to me) and I said "OK". She asked why I am so mad at her that I won't talk to her and said that she didn't want us to be mad at each other. I told her that I wasn't mad at her -- I just didn't want to talk to her anymore. I told her that I had explained why in the letter and email I sent her. She seemed genuinely hurt and confused. A part of me wanted to reach out and hold her, but I didn't let it show. I just said, "Well, I think you should be going now."
My demeanor during all of this was brusque and matter-of-fact, but not angry. Overall, I'm pretty proud of myself.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Well, I took a big step towards GAL today. When most people talk about GAL, they seem to think about having fun for themselves, and I think that is something of a mistake.
Real joy and peace doesn't come from selfish pleasure -- that's what our spouses did. Real joy and peace comes from serving others (and, in my view, from living in God's glory).
Anyway, I've decided to start a pornography support group at my church. I met with the pastor today and he gave me some good materials (and I'm discovering more on the internet -- www.settingcaptivesfree.com, www.xxxchurch.com). We ordered some materials and set up a plan for me to go in front of the church Feb 25th.
I know now that I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to help other couples improve their marriages. I'm really looking forward to helping other men with a porn problem -- maybe they won't have to wait until their wives leave them before they take action.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
OK, I've been dark for 9 days now, with only in-laws supervising visitation. Today, W took all the cards I had given her! The romantic cards from Christmas, her Birthday, our 3rd anniversary, and several more -- all filled with expressions of my love --were gone when I got home.
Assuming that she didn't take them just to trash them (which would be unlike her), she must have taken them because she wanted to read over the romantic things I had written to her. I can't help but take this as a good sign.
Anyway, her sister is coming in this weekend from New York. W is very close to her sister, but they haven't talked since W left. SIL has told me that she doesn't even know how to talk to W now, since she feels like she is a different person and the W she knew could never do anything like this. W has sometimes listened to SIL when she wouldn't listen to anyone else, so it will be very interesting to see what happens when they get together. I predict a lot of crying, but I'm not getting my hopes up for a breakthrough. I do think, though, that SIL's visit will work strongly in my favor eventually.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I can't tell you right now how excited I am about the support group I'm starting to help men become free of pornography. I've been reading books on the topic and talking with others who've led successful groups.
I no longer have to ask myself the "why did this have to happen to me?" question, because now I know why (or at least one reason why). It's because God needed to use my testimony and my pain to help other men gain freedom from their addictive and hurtful behavior. Seeing God's purpose in my W's affair has taken away so much of the pain and hurt, as I know now that it isn't for nothing.
I just wanted to share that. No real progress in my R, but very real progress in me.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
That is really good to hear. I am glad for you that you have found some purpose in this. Trying to make lemonade out of lemons indeed. But you're doing it. That's wonderful.
You sound good; excited. It helps that you found something positive to focus on right now, and helping others is so rewarding.
Keep going!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
W keeps asking her parents what I'm up to. I've only seen/talked to her once briefly in the past 2 1/2 weeks. I'm starting ballroom dance lessons tonight -- should be fun and (who knows) I might meet some interesting people. I imagine that will bother W, as it's the kind of thing she would like to have done with me, but I'm not doing it to get under her skin.
My plan is to stay completely dark for a few more weeks before resuming some contact with her. By then, she will be missing me badly and probably starting to get fed up with her bum of an OM, and I will be in a mental state to DB very well. Since she was 14, W has gone from one guy to the next with no break, so I think the time is coming for me to be the OM and steal her back.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
You are doing an outstanding job. You haven't put a foot wrong. Your attitude is right and you are emotionally strong. The Lord sure has given you the right strengths.
"My plan is to stay completely dark for a few more weeks before resuming some contact with her. By then, she will be missing me badly and probably starting to get fed up with her bum of an OM, and I will be in a mental state to DB very well."
What signs would you see/hear to indicate that fantasy is crumbling? and how would these signs come back to you?
"Since she was 14, W has gone from one guy to the next with no break, so I think the time is coming for me to be the OM and steal her back."
She is obviously caught up in a pattern and you are saying that at this point in time, this pattern would work to your advantage.
Let's say it pans out as you and I think it would and she comes back, how do you think the pattern will be broken for good?
Scooter, thanks so much for your continued encouragement and advice.
Quote: What signs would you see/hear to indicate that fantasy is crumbling? and how would these signs come back to you?
For some reason, she spent V-day alone. OM is still without his own place, which means that she can't have D overnight, which she really wants. Her parents say that she seems listless and tired when she visits D. Thursday, she scooped up the romantic cards I had given her for birthdays, Christmas, etc. and took them with her. She asks her parents about me every time she visits D, and she was telling me that she loved me right up until I went dark on her (and ML to me just a few days before I went dark).
Besides all that, the fantasy HAS to fade. This kid is 20 years old, has never lived away from his parents, has no college degree, and has a history of criminal/irresponsible behavior.
W is separated from me (her best friend, even during the A), she is separated from D most of the time, she is disconnected from her parents and sister, her friends tell her that she's being stupid, and her conscience is pushing on her all the time (she went to church Sunday). Oh, and she's broke and having to support him for now.
Finally, they aren't having sex right now (at least, they aren't having vaginal intercourse). I know, I know ... it seems ridiculous that I would believe that statement of hers, until you consider that she thought OM got her pregnant last month because he didn't pull out (so she can't trust him to do that), condoms frequently burn her, and she won't take the pill because she doesn't want it to affect her hormonal balance with her bipolar medicine Depakote. So I believe her on that one.
Altogether, I honestly don't think there's any way that her fantasy world can withstand the blast of reality that's hitting her right now and survive unscathed.
I also wonder how OM's fantasy world is doing -- not great, I'm guessing. He's not getting real sex; the fun, exciting person he thought he loved is now an overworked, depressed, tired old woman; he misses his family and friends in Arkansas; he gave up nursing school this semester to move down here; and now W is putting all this pressure on him to get a job and get his own apartment so D can spend the night with her. Even when he gets a job, though, he's going to have a hard time getting an apartment, since he's got a car note and other bills that he's behind on.
Anyway, I'm pretty confident that there's going to be significant tension in their R very soon, if there isn't already.
Quote: how do you think the pattern will be broken for good?
I don't think it will on its own, but she'll want to get counseling if she comes back. If we get to that point, she'll want to build a strong marriage. And her love of "being in love" and substituting dependency for true love will be a prominent topic in said counseling.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: The Lord sure has given you the right strengths.
Actually, my sitch is in a lot better shape than most of those on this board, and I have a lot of reasons to hope.
Beyond that, though, two days after W first confessed the A to me on Oct 29, I felt the Holy Spirit reassuring me that my marriage would ultimately survive, whatever else had to happen in the short term. I know that this will seem silly to non-Christians, but I've never really felt the Spirit speak to me like that before, and I believe that it was genuine. It's given me great comfort and strength in any case.
My own attitude was benefited today by having some fun starting ballroom dancing lessons. I had fun, and this is also good DB'ing, because this is something that she would like to do with me.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I don't remember if I have posted here or not, but I will say (maybe again) that you seem to be doing great. You are one of the lucky few that seem to "get it" and can practice the methods we all talk about with some skill. I really hope your W comes around to the wonderfully self aware man she has waiting for her.
