W31, OM20

[RBinBR]

Scooter, thanks so much for your continued encouragement and advice.

What signs would you see/hear to indicate that fantasy is crumbling? and how would these signs come back to you?

For some reason, she spent V-day alone. OM is still without his own place, which means that she can't have D overnight, which she really wants. Her parents say that she seems listless and tired when she visits D. Thursday, she scooped up the romantic cards I had given her for birthdays, Christmas, etc. and took them with her. She asks her parents about me every time she visits D, and she was telling me that she loved me right up until I went dark on her (and ML to me just a few days before I went dark).

Besides all that, the fantasy HAS to fade. This kid is 20 years old, has never lived away from his parents, has no college degree, and has a history of criminal/irresponsible behavior.

W is separated from me (her best friend, even during the A), she is separated from D most of the time, she is disconnected from her parents and sister, her friends tell her that she's being stupid, and her conscience is pushing on her all the time (she went to church Sunday). Oh, and she's broke and having to support him for now.

Finally, they aren't having sex right now (at least, they aren't having vaginal intercourse). I know, I know ... it seems ridiculous that I would believe that statement of hers, until you consider that she thought OM got her pregnant last month because he didn't pull out (so she can't trust him to do that), condoms frequently burn her, and she won't take the pill because she doesn't want it to affect her hormonal balance with her bipolar medicine Depakote. So I believe her on that one.

Altogether, I honestly don't think there's any way that her fantasy world can withstand the blast of reality that's hitting her right now and survive unscathed.

I also wonder how OM's fantasy world is doing -- not great, I'm guessing. He's not getting real sex; the fun, exciting person he thought he loved is now an overworked, depressed, tired old woman; he misses his family and friends in Arkansas; he gave up nursing school this semester to move down here; and now W is putting all this pressure on him to get a job and get his own apartment so D can spend the night with her. Even when he gets a job, though, he's going to have a hard time getting an apartment, since he's got a car note and other bills that he's behind on.

Anyway, I'm pretty confident that there's going to be significant tension in their R very soon, if there isn't already.

how do you think the pattern will be broken for good?

I don't think it will on its own, but she'll want to get counseling if she comes back. If we get to that point, she'll want to build a strong marriage. And her love of "being in love" and substituting dependency for true love will be a prominent topic in said counseling.