Quote: I don't know how to set goals for things that I have no control over. I can make it a goal for my WAW to end the affair tomorrow, but that seems unlikely. So what goals can I formulate? The only ones that I can think of concern myself. I've set a goal of continuing to work on my issues in counseling so that I'm confident that I'm healed of them. I've made it a goal to change careers and get my teaching certification this summer so that I can take better care of my D.
You are absolutely correct. You can't set goals for something over which you have no control over so you can only set goals for things you have control and the one thing thst you have control over is YOU.
Reflect over where you believe that you could have done better in your 50% share of the R. You've mentioned you've overcome porn which is an achievement in itself. Are there other behaviors that you have identified that you need to remedy? Also, after a long term relationship, people tend to loose focus on what it is they want out of life so being S, is a good time to reflect over of how your were BEFORE you got M and how you have changed to accomodate the M.
Typical examples of goals that people have set and achieved during DBing have been losing weight, giving up smoking, taking up or rediscovering a hobby, getting fit...things that they traded in for taking up marital and parental responsibilities. It's like rediscovering who you really are.
Quote: Not this Friday, last Friday. Her wanting to sleep with me just before she went to Arkansas to help him move in with her.
It ain't any of my business but I hope you are taking precautions to avoid yourself contracting any diseases. Please be careful. It's not worth risking your life over a f#uck.
Quote: Anyway, since she was angry, I asked her to leave and I handed her my letter explaining that I would not be talking to her anymore (and also suggesting a visitation schedule and covering a few financial things).
Well done on this. I'm glad you are comfortable and secure enough to put your foot down when it's warranted. Too many LBS's are so emotionally distraught that they easily get confused as what to do in tense situations so it's refreshing to hear someone who is in control enough to tell it like it is and not be artifically nice just to "keep the peace".
Besides, it's universally accepted that women respect men who are confident and stand up for themselves so even though your actions made your WAW mad, you are not losing respect. If you accomodate her every whim, she will take you for granted and use you to her advantage.
Quote: Apparently, that made her a lot madder, since she drove back after reading the letter and shouted through the door that she was going to distribute to my friends and business associates the things I confessed to in counseling (specifically the problems that I had confessed to with respect to pornography -- and have now conquered). Sigh. I told her to go ahead if she wanted to.
Successfully standing up to WAW, giving the appearance of moving on, getting a life, enjoying your life, being happy, being a better parent, not contacting WAW, being strong and confident....WILL ALWAYS INFURIATE THE WAW.
If you read around the sitch's, you will find that the successful DBers have found this in nearly 100% of the cases. It seems the reason why they are infuriated is because the LBS didn't behave this way before WAW dropped any bombs. The WAW had given up, broken up the family and without her asking, the man is someone who she always wanted him to be.
Just don't buy that "too little too late" crapola. They will say it but it is rare that they ever mean it. Actually, when they say it, it is a good sign because they have noticed and acknowledge that you are a man that's changed to be more desirable and attractive.
Quote: My only regret is that I'm now going to go dark starting with her mad at me. I wish I had been able to cut things off while we were on better terms.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about where you left things off. She needs to blow off some steam, it's a good thing. All it means is that you have got no chance of being laid THAT DAY.
For my 2cents, you did the right thing. Let her blow off some steam and she'll probably do it infront of OM and it will probably put a strain on their little fling. You don't have to feel bad about this at all
Quote: Well, this evening was the first of the visitation schedule I proposed, and W didn't show up or call her parents to say that she wouldn't be coming. Weird.
You need to be careful here. The last thing a WAW would want or accept is the will of the LBS imposed on her. What you did by putting together the schedule is logical and responsible. The problem you got is that you are dealing with a person who at the moment, is neither logical or responsible.
I agree with you. Your D4 should not be exposed to that environment. If your W is saying that the situation is temporary, then it is reasonable for your D4 not to be there because it will not be an arrangement that D4 will need to get used to thank God.
