I have been lurking on this board for the last 3 months and have gotten alot of helpfull information,but it is so differant when it is you in the situation. Sometimes I have felt like nobody understands what I'm going through.But reading all of your stories I know there is far too many.
M 45 H 48 D 23 D16 D5
Here is my situation
We dated for 3 years, married for 18 yrs. I was the WAW because I tried to tell him we needed help, needed to see a counsler. He was very verbally abusive to me and I blamed him for everything that was wrong with our mariage. I left for a week untill he moved out of the house . He begged me to come home that we would go get counsling(but of course he couldn't get off of work to go) And all that did was push me further away. We were seperated for 1 1/2 yrs. In that time we tried to work things out, but last May my D16 got into some big trouble and he tolds me thats it, I am through with all of you . That it was my fault that she had gotten into trouble. So I decided to not have anymore contact with him and helped my daughter through Court and classes she had to take for a year. We had not spoke for 4 monts andd then out of the blue he calls me and says he needs to talk to me about something. He then tells me he has met someone else and as he is telling me he is crying and says that he treats her like he should have treated me and how good she made him feel. Then he tells me that he will never Love anyone as much as he loves me, and how sorry he was for all the pain he caused me but some of it was my fault because I allowed him to treat me that way.
I never ever took any of the blame for myself. Well needless to say that ripped me apart and I knew I wanted my marrage to work.That was in Sept. Well he started calling me every day just talking about things and being so nice. We talked like we hadn't talked in years . He had not stepped foot in the house since he left . He started coming over and helping me fix things that needed to be fixed and helping me with the yard . But of course OW was still in the picture and it got too painfull for me so I told him it would be best if we didn't talk anymore for awhile . Two days later he calls crying he wants to come back home . So we talk about it and then he says he needs to tell OW . Well you know how well that went. Two days latter he is taking off of work to spend with her so he can say goodbye and not hurt her. Then all of of a sudden he is not sure he wants to come home now. This went on back and forth for about 2 months. He even called me one day and asked me to get her a job where I work .That was the last straw for me. I told him to leave me alone.
Well fast forward He moved back in 2 weeks ago and she is still caling him and he is so depressed and back to treating me just like he did before he moved out 1 1/2 yrs ago. He tolds me last night he hated me and he was going to move out when we get our income taxes back. That he has already spoken with his mother and she said he could move in with her. He expected things to be differant. I know my fault in all of this I am a CA. But all of the time I was on my own I got stronger and took care of things on my own without any help form anyone, and I was doing okay. I think if he had never told me about OW I would still be doing okay on my own. Why did he feel the need to tell me when we had not spoken in 4 months and then not want to let her go after telling me he wanted to come home? I want my marrage to work but I know that I can't let him treat me the way he use too. He can't stand it if I try to be independent and do things on my own with out him controlling everything. I can't spend any money unless he gives it me . We never sat down and talked about what we wanted from each other, but I feel like it is too late .He won't talk to me now because he says I took everything he worked for . He said that when he leaves he is not taking any of his things. He says I just wanted him to come back so I could get everything he owns and fix up the house where He says I let it go . I dont now where to go from here I am just so tired.
Bamagirl, Welcome to the boards. One thing that struck me in your sitch is that you said your H was depressed after he came back home this last time.
Well fast forward He moved back in 2 weeks ago and she is still caling him and he is so depressed and back to treating me just like he did before he moved out 1 1/2 yrs ago
I don't know about the treating you badly part, but he should be depressed if he has truly given up the R with the OW. They have to go through a period of mourning as they are experiencing a "loss". As painful as it is for the LBS, the WAS need to make this transition. He is probably taking his miserable feelings out on you. Just know that he should be feeling badly. If you see no depression or mourning, my experience has painfully taught me that the R with the OW is NOT over. Your H probably expected to waltz back into his old life. Neither one of you can do that. He has to go through his process and then the two of you can rebuild and start to work on the issues that caused the A to happen in the first place. I recommend that you get "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman and others have recommended "Surviving Infidelity".
I think both of you may have had unrealistic expectations on putting your M back together. Slow down. Take a few deep breaths and start over.
I wish you well. Come back often for there are lots of good people here.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Thanks so much for your insight SF. I guess I didn't think about him letting go of the OW an being depressed. I know we have so much work to do,but right now he just wants to give up. I know the changes I need to make and I know I need to go to C. for myself if nothing else. I know I'm a stronger person then I was when he left because he always controlled everything. I have had to do things on my own and granted they were not perfect but I was able to take care of them. Maybe he dosen't like the more Independant person I have become. I know that I have read over and over again not to snoop but I did anyway . I found his call records for his cell phone and saw he had called OW the weekend before he moved back home at 1:00 am for 3 mn. and of course I thought that was long enough to ask her to come over. But I know I want my marrage to work and be better then It was before. I do have DB book and thanks for the recomadation for the other book. I'm not very good at expressing myself with words. I have great thoughts in my head just not good at writing them down
At a minimum, you need to get your home phone number changed to one that is unlisted so that OW cannot contact him. He also must change his cell phone number. If he protests that he cannot becuase he uses his cell phone for business, then you can get him another one and keep his, giving him any business messages until he can tell enough contacts his new phone number. You need to get the mail at your house, and he needs to give you the passwords to any and all email accounts he has. It will be hard enough for him to avoid calling her as it is, but if he won't agree to shut off her ability to contact him, then he's very prone to a relapse -- it happened to my W because she thought she could still talk to OM as "friends".
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
The letting go process for the WAS is a tough one. The previous suggestions seem extreme and nothing I would do and my husband was back with OW this weekend. He never saw the danger of just talking with her, my problem was the mail. She had paperwork he needed. Now after months of trying, counseling and work, I can't do it any longer. I can understand how hard it is for him, but what about the other side? Can you really make your spouse do all the proper things to cut all contact with OW? How do you make him do that?
I wish you all the best with your current situation.
