Have you thought about honesty in a discussion where you know you will not have an opportunity to ML? Tell him that your feelings are mixed up and until you figure them out...you would prefer that you "just hand out"...leave the sex out!
It may not be what he wants to hear, but if he truly RESPECTS you and RESPECT is HUGE, then he will not get angry. If he gets upset or angry, then he may just be trying to fill a period where the OW isn't being as reciprical to him. You have become the OW as he is living with her now...!
Your H sounds TOTALLY confused and by ML to him, he has the best of both worlds.
From a Male POV, being pursued by a female to WANT to ML is a huge gratification for men. I could probably speak for most men! When my W initiated it with me, it made me feel so secure, so loved and so attractive, I felt great inside to be pursued.
From my 30,000 foot overview, it looks like he is buring the candle at both ends. If he is not getting from OW, is he turning to you as a backup? I don't mean or make this sound horrible, but what are his motives? Why, if he is back being intimate with you? Why would he even consider staying with OW...and what is she now feeling???
Be honest with him. Tell him that you enjoy ML with him, but until YOU can come to a definitive answer on things, and he is living with the OW, you will "just hang out" with him, end of sentence!!
Save yourself first! If you are confident in that you don't NEED him at this point...his pursuit of you may increase and the OW will be a non-factor!
Just my Opinion though! JRY
“Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.”
"It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." Confucius (551-479 BC) - Chinese philosopher
Hi ame, Just wanted to mention that I too am in your boat. And I agree with your thoughts on the subject, that it "keeps him from making a decision". I keep deciding NOT to ML to my H but end up giving in because, well, you know why! But in my heart, yes, I do feel that you should NOT sleep with him, (nor should I with my H) because my gut tells me that in this situation, the Hs will likely begin to see what they will be missing. Any man who is with an OW but still cannot get enough of ML to the wife they left, cannot possibly be all THAT serious about that OW. I think the OW serve a bandaid purpose. In my case, so far my H cannot seem to go more than like 10 days or so without pursuing me, and last friday I rejected him a bit (not even totally, just rejected the time he proposed for our "hanging out" , telling him that if he wanted to be with me it would have to be on MY terms, and the next day he changed his tune completely, broke up with OW and came to my house for the night and the next day. OFCOURSE at that point I wore my heart on my sleeve and scared him back to her, totally backsliding and launching into R talks and talking about OW, even tried to make him jealous when I felt him slipping away. So we have now jumped back several steps, but the point i am trying to share with you is that I have only rejected him ONCE, and the tables turned immediately. Not two hours later he was text messaging me "do you hate me? I am confused. Do you think I am f*cked up? Am I bothering you?" and stuff like that. If done without any R talk or guilt inducing comments, I think cutting them off could be very powerful. Just my two cents. Oh, and as for recovering from the "mistakes" we make b/c we are so emotional, yes, it happens all of the time, even when it feels like the damage is irreparable. It truly is a rollercoaster. Only not so fun!! Hang in there, you are not alone. These boards are a great place to come, glad you found them!! I am pretty new here too but welcome anyway!!
I will see what happens. I figure I can't really tell what is happening becuase a week ago he didn't want to be with me and now he does...
He emailed me today to see if I wanted to have lunch...I didn't repsond until late in the day and his lunch hour was up so I was a little glad. I'm thinking since I didn't call and try to talk to him (I just emailed him back that I probably was too late for lunch) that it makes me seem not to desperate to be around him. Last time we hung out he said if I could have lunch with him on Saturday so he could "have" me...This is why I'm glad I didn't respond until late in the day. I'm flattered that even after he was a little annoyed with me yesterday he still was willing to see me for whatevr reason. He still feels connected so that is a good thing.
We have such a great time together so I'm thinking I'll see If I can keep us hanging out and build "good memories" with him. No R talk, nothing...that is my first goal. My second would be to put my work 1st for now...leaving him early when we hang out and such. I'll take it one step at a time...I need to work on banking alot of good memories for now.
I'll keep convo friendly but I'll remain in control of my senses and keep it more on a non-sexual level. Here we go...
I can't quit crying today. I think it's been about a week or so since I felt this way....Sometimes I get so pumped up to try DB but then I feel so lonely without my H. Since he is with OW I feel like I get the scraps of him...when he needs a break from her. Will this work? I feel horrible about myself & at times I can't even think to see him. I guess that is the anger. I guess what is different now is that I'm not picking up the phone in a crying rage telling him what I think. I know I hear over and over again on these boards how patience is key it is just sooo hard.
Apart of me wants to take the time I can get from him and make them very pleasant and memorable and then take it from there. But it is when I sit back and reflect that I feel so stupid and low. That our spouses are using us and we are doormats. Maybe these are just feelings and that isn't whats going on I just feel so crappy right now and I'm so tired and it's only been 4 weeks.
I admire all of you who are sticking through your resolve. It takes alot of energy.
I'm living through pretty much the same thing only in reverse. My wife has started dating a guy who is a real loser and it is so hard to just be happy whenever I am around her. Not only do I feel hurt by the fact she is with someone else, but I also have to deal with the fear she could be really hurt by this jerk. Just hang in there, patience is absolutely the number one thing you need to have. Find something else to occupy your time and your mind. Be with people who make you happy and don't let yourself get stuck thinking bad thoughts. If you feel bad when you sit back and reflect, then don't do it. Stand up and look forward.
I am looking at this OM my W is living with as an opportunity. I try to turn it into hope instead of doom. In my case, she gets to see what living with a druggie dirtbag is like and I can only shine in comparison. That makes me just want to shine all that much brighter. When I start to think negative things about the sitch, I shout at myself in my head "STOP!", find my happy thought again and get back to working on my shine.
Believe me, I know how hard it is and how much energy it takes, but it is the right thing to do. Enjoy what time you get with him and make sure he sees that. But you should also try to find a way to enjoy the rest of your time too so you don't get wrapped up in feeling bad. It is a lot easier to be happy for him when he's there when you start out happier before he gets there.
I emailed my H last night to get some income tax info. from him. He responded...once to give me info and 2nd to tell me to call him for lunch today at 10 am. He called a couple of times last night at around 2 or 3 in the morning and played a song on my VM that we both love. The song thing is exactly what he used to do when we seperated before and he lived in another city. He's usually under the influence so why is this done???
I try not to read too much into this but sometime I wonder if I should go dark for awhile until he figures things out. Or should i try to build up these good memories with him and then if all else fails go dark. I need to read DR tonight.
I called at 10:30 to see about lunch but no answer so I left a message. He's proable asleep or can't go and doens't want to tell me that.
I hate these games...how old are we???? Speaking of H...just called to confirm lunch. Here we go....
H and I had lunch today...It went very well...We love that show Entourage and we kept talking about that.
I was good...no R talk, no OW talk.
I'll take it one step at a time.
I want to rent out my house and move into a loft...while we were leaving he said "we should get a loft downtown" (that is where i work and where we had lunch)". I said we should...
I'm going to read the rest of DR and see what else I can learn....
Thanks all for supporting the no R talk. It seem to help alot today to go in knowing that I wasn't going to talk about us and what we are going to do.
I dropped off gift for H at work...his favorite artist's Cd, favorite series 1st season, & yankees cap. He loved it.
I was cool and said I didn't want to take much of his time. He apologized for not getting me anything...he said he's broke.
I was pleasant. He did comment how I didn't kiss him very intensely...I do that on purpose (a defensive thing). He said he wished he was off. He asked if we could have lunch on Thursday.
Anyway, I'm glad I got him those things becuase they menat something special to him and us.
When I got home he had left a message on my phone saying that he was thankful I did all that for him and that he loved me. He said that he was coming home "soon".
Not sure what to make of all this but I haven't pushed the R or OW talk at all. I'm letting him just think and marinate on my actions. I hope this has helped.
Don't get your hopes up too much, though, based on his last comment that he's coming back "soon." He may have said that only to make you feel better right now.
Congrats on your progress!
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Ouch...I'll keep that in mind. I'm so glad I'm not putting all my hopes in that comment like I've done in the past...if nothing else, I've learned that.
