try to build more experiences with him by spending time with him?
Yep. Ya did pretty good!
And get a better handle on not wanting to see his phone. Also, rehearse how/what you'll say, if anything (I'd say nothing at all, just accept it as a fact of life), when these unwanted phone calls come in. Probably best to say nothing. After all, that's his life right now. Gotta make the contacts 100% good times and nothing but.
The sex thing... I know some people say it can increase the bond... personally, I think that may be true for most women, but not most men. I'd suggest refrain from relations with him: he can't miss it from you if he's getting it from you.
And don't think about what he may be doing with her.
Hi ame- I know it seems impossible, but try not to focus on the ow...it really serves no purpose for you and only makes you feel worse. Remember that you can't control your H's actions. So, he will do whatever it takes to be with ow, and keep that life private from you. Try to let it go...the more you try to invade that space, the more he will shut you out, b/c he is trying to protect something. Whenever i am having a particularly tough time, i tell myself: will what i am about to do/think/say bring me closer to or farther away from my goal. Maybe if you can remind yourself of that, it will help.
Yes, you do need to continue to build positive experiences b/w the 2 of you. That means having fun with no R or ow talk.
As for the ML thing - i am the wrong person to ask about this. But, i try to remind myself that this is something that my H and i can share, a connection b/w us, that no one else can experience. In the end, you need to do what you feel comfortable with, but for me, this has continued and i do think it allows my H to remember the good aspects of our R. Just my 2 cents...hope it helps. Take care.
You know what? I would simply say, "Have sex if you want to." Start focusing on the things that you want to do. If you want to have sex with him, go for it. If not, I would say absolutely not. Start defining your life on your own terms. All the DB principles are based on enjoying your own life.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
My H just came over to fix my fence. He only stayed 30 minutes. As he was leaving I asked him what are we going to do. He said he didn't know (he was a little annoyed). He said all this has happened so fast. He said that is why he doesn't want to come around me because I keep wanting more and more. He said he will get to the point where he won't want to see me. I asked him if he wants to be with me and he said yes. I said b/c I don't want to be waiting for someone that doesn't want to be with me.
What gets me is that he will want this go on forever. Living with OW and having me. I feel like I will let this all get out of control and he will never come back.
How long am I supposed to pretend things don't bother me? I guess maybe I should look at it as a game and this is how I'm going to win.
He seemed annoyed and upset when he left. I'm just piling up bad memories with him...the fight from the other night, the questioning today...has anyone recovered from this?
ame - I know how you feel on this, mine just moved out from OW.
the only adv. I have is to work on yourself - dont contact your H unless it's necessary, let him contact you, and when he does remain polite and stick to the basics, let him lead the convo as far as 'what are we doing'.
and your right, it will go on forever if you let it - mine seemed to, and it was when I went about my life and had the 'as if' attitude that things started turning around. It's hard, I wont lie but I promise you, you will feel so much better about yourself that it will get easier and easier.
Quote: The sex thing... I know some people say it can increase the bond... personally, I think that may be true for most women, but not most men. I'd suggest refrain from relations with him: he can't miss it from you if he's getting it from you.
I agree with this. I would not have sex with him at all. He is making you into the OW now.
Losing him does not matter, it is YOU who will be found and cherished. -Joy Luck Club
Ame- Think of this like a rollercoaster...there will be ups and downs, and it doesn't seem as if any one of those lasts for too long. So, although you feel like you "failed", think about it as learning from the experience. This isn't a perfect science...sometimes you have to go through a bunch of different ways to handle a particular situation before you find the right one.
You can't control your H or what he does. And that was one of the hardest things for me...feeling like i had no control. And what made me feel like i had some control back was limiting the contacting i did of my H. Believe it or not, that small step helped me gain some control back. I can honestly say that 9 out of 10 contacts that i have with my H, he has initiated. And that makes me feel a bit better, that he is the one reaching out to me, not the other way around.
The other thing i will add is that, as hard as it is, you have to try to stop asking about the future of your R. Think about it this way: if there was something that you didn't want to talk about, b/c it made you uncomfortable or whatever, and your H insisted on talking about it whenever he saw you, would you want to spend time with him? Probably not. I think it is human nature to avoid discomfort at all costs. I think you will find that your interactions with your H will be more pleasant when he doesn't feel pressured.
And yes, people do recover from this. Remember...it is sometimes 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
Forgot to mention that my H and I ML again when he came over to fix my fence. Waht gets me is that we had some trouble in bed when we lived together...now he can't get enough.
I like that but I think in some respects I'm disrespecting myself. I LOVE ML with him and I LOVE that he wants me. However, I feel like crap afterwards and I feel that it keeps him from making a decision.
For now I will wait for H to contact me to hang out. If we hang out I will try my best to leave at a decent hour to come home by myself. I just hate rejecting him b/c I feel he won't want to hang out again...like I will be pushing him away.
How do I stop the spiral downward from this...? Any suggestions?
When people are involved in affairs, then insofar as their sex life with their spouses go, they can either lose interest or increase interest. It sounds like your H has increased interest.
For now I will wait for H to contact me to hang out. If we hang out I will try my best to leave at a decent hour to come home by myself. I just hate rejecting him b/c I feel he won't want to hang out again...like I will be pushing him away. How do I stop the spiral downward from this...?
Recognize that your conclusion that he will see it as a rejection and he will feel like not hanging out with you is, at this moment, a conclusion you've arrived at based on your assumptions of what he'll think, and not really a matter of evident reality. Also, lacking in that thought is the fact that even if he does feel cut off, that very well may have a positive effect on your situation, as it may influence him to reflect on what he may be losing.
