My husband and I ahve a rough 2 or so years. We've been married for 5, together for 10. He's had an affair withthis Ow for the last 2 or so years. We lived in seperate towns for the better part of 1 year. We got back living together in April 05. Howver, his relationship with Ow never fully stopped. We connected all over again and I believe we truly fell back in love. Well about 3 weeks ago we had a huge fight because I found a text message to this girl. We ended up doing and saying things we didn't mean. The day after or so he wanted to talk but he had already moved his clothes and left with OW so I said no. I filed for divorce and that was a huge blow for him. He told his family he was depressed and it got to me. so here I am wanting to talk to him but he won't respond to me. The first conversation we had after the blow up consisted of me crying and saying how oculd he not check up on me. He said he tried but he wasn't going to beat a dead horse. He asked if I wanted the D and I said no. A day or so later he emailed me saying he loved and missed me but couldn't do this anymore. I asked if we could talk he said he couldn't that day. We are a few days later and he has not mentioned talking or where we go from here. Do I let him know how I feel in person? Do I leave this alone...what do I do? Does anyone out there know what he is thinking? It's like the tables are turning. I want to talk about how he hurt me, etc.etc. Any advice??
Your H is not ready to hear about how he hurt you. Welcome to this bulletin board. There are a lot of good people here who can help advise you. However, you need to start helping yourself. You are number one. Remember that. If you haven't already, get Divorce Remedy and read it. Also, I recommend the 5 Love Languages. Others here have also mentioned Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
You need to take care of yourself and focus on changes that you want to make to have a better life. You can't change your H. Only he can do that.
I wish you well. Come back often to post. There are people here who will help you.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
With the help of people here on the forums I was able to write a letter to my H and tell him that I don't want a divorce and that I was cacelling that. However, if he wanted it I wouldn't stop it and I would allow him to move on. At first he was very angry and indicaed that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that he didn't want to mislead me. I think that he was embarrassed about being served at work plus he was hurt.
Anyhow, he called the next night saying that he knows no-one would compare to me (i like to watch sports & we share certain loves). But he expressed how things got extreme and he just didn't know. He asked me, "was he supposed to come home just because I had a change of mind?" I told him that I needed to let him know how I felt and I was at peace with that.
Well, after reading a few chapters of DR I decided to try to reconnect and try something different. So I called and asked if he wanted to hang out sometime this week. He aaid sure how aout tonight? I said sur...he said downtown? I said sure, I'll find someplace different.
My question for you'll...is how should I approach tonight? Should I have a good time...no relationship talk unless he brings it up?
Keep in mind he lives with OW so I feel sort of crappy knowing he;ll go home to her. Any thoughts?
Hi ame- Welcome to the boards, although i am sorry that you find yourself needing to be here. But, you came to the right place. When i read your first post, there were a lot of similarities to my sitch, but i won't bore you with them.
RE: you going out tonight with your H - you have to act as if you are happy. Have a good time. Don't talk about the R. This is an opportunity for you to remind your H of the good times b/w you two and show him what he might be missing. No R talk is a rule to live by. Go, have a good time. Give yourself a break from thinking about it.
Hi ame- Good questions. I think you need to see how the date is going and how you are feeling and go with your gut if he wants to talk about the R. If i were you, i would try not to discuss it, maybe saying that you are having such a good time and you want to focus on that, and not on the heavy stuff. If he is insistent, you may need to talk about it, so as not to upset the dynamics. When my H and I were dating during our separation, i can remember one time where i wanted to talk about the R, and he said he didn't want to...that the dates were supposed to be fun and not "heavy", so I don't think my H ever brought up R talk while on dates. There were other times when he did, if the purpose of getting together was to talk about stuff. Otherwise, i really avoid R talk at all costs. I don't know if that is helpful to you at all.
I post here...i have several threads...my latest one is "i never knew my life would break my heart." There are other threads that give more details about my sitch, but i don't know how to link them. You can also just search for my screen name.
I hope that you have a great time tonight...you have a wonderful opportunity to benefit your R. Good luck!
Ame, if H brings up anything R oriented, just listen and validate for now. Your goal here is to create a positive, wonderful time in your contact together, that's it. Don't think about how it is that H will be going home to OW, instead, think of how it is that you and H are having a great time together, whereas others don't even get that opportunity. If H's going home to someone else, it only means he's not ready yet to return, that's all. And all that means is that more time and patience is needed, time for H to become convinced as to where things would be better for him; time for you to build more positive experiences with H, time for H to see the changes to allay his concerns that things may not be different. You just feed him those positives, be bright and happy and cheerful, which are attractive qualities, and let time handle the rest.
Well, last night was somewhat of a success. The first part of the night we just talk and caught up each other on each other's lives. Towards the end I let things get to me a bit...OW had called and he had saved her # under an abbreviated name...bugged the heck out of me. He attempted to leave b/c he said he just wanted to hang out not get mad over stuff...I kept hearing everyone say no relationship talk...
So we had some more fun...had sex...which probably wasn't a good idea. The night ended up on a bad note...he wouldn't let me see his phone...probably for my own protection...as to not get me mad...
he called this morning to see how I felt...was I sick from last night, etc. I was fine. He said he'll talk to me later "baby".
Have I ruined something here? He still lives with OW and i didn't ask him to come back to live with me...what next...try to build more experiences with him by spending time with him? GRRRRR....this is so hurtful...him going home to her...having sex....any advice out there?
