Wow, once again you are very impressive. You took a post that was hard to read and would have been easy to dismiss (mine) and really got something out of it. See why your DB pals admire you?
Also, you listened but you also stood up for yourself, holding your ground, while recognizing that we are trying to help.
Re the gift and card -- sorry, I misunderstood, I thought she said that she didn't want to receive gifts this year. Of course, I still think the boss rule is a good idea, after all, this isn't like any other year. And, re the card, your toned down version sounds much better than the "I'll never regret the last six months because..." line. Lol, the first Xmas after separation, I bought XH THREE Xmas cards, one funny, one friendly, one mushy. Ack, or maybe TWO mushy. Anyway, I gave him the funny one and let him "find" the mushy ones, which I then cried about not being able to "give" to him. YUCK. A simple "Merry Xmas from one who cares about you" would have been much better.
Now, nonlinearly, but taking advantage segue-wise, that XMas we faked it with his family. It was incredibly painful, and all a huge lie. He was heavily involved with OW on phone the whole time, etc. So, re Ireland, I may have been projecting a bit. I never should have gone on that Xmas trip, very unhealthy for me and was purely driven by desparation. With your Ireland trip, it seems like you have your own agenda and interest in going. So good for you. Enjoy it, it is a beautiful country and a ton of fun.
Being honest about when I am being needling or cutting is something I have to work on myself, so that is why I noticed it in you. Hey, everyone does it to some degree. At least if you try to cover it up it means you recognize that you weren't acting very well, lol.
Excellent idea to be gone before she leaves :-) Let her get the feeling of going off by herself without leaving anyone mooning after her. And, more important, you create the situation that treats you better :-)
And, re the choice thing, when I really internalized that is when I really changed in many positive ways. I was in control of it, I could set the limits and the boundaries on the pain, I could also more easily detach from it because it was no longer something that was being done to me as a victim.
All best and have a wonderful Vday with loved ones.
