Quit being more in the relationship than she is. GIVE HER MORE SPACE THAN SHE WANTS. Along with everything else she tells you, why didn't you tell her that you obsess about her 24/7 and make up elaborate stories upon which you then condemn her anytime she is out of your sight.
Yes. I should tell her that...er...I guess not. Good point. If it were that easy, I would not be seeing a therapist. I am getting there. I obsess here, and really, once I vent, I am usually ok.
Now, as for your grilling her (yes, you were). She is right, IMHO, you were attacking her, in an especially nasty passive aggressive manner. Why not just say, "gee, hon. you are right. I am very angry over this whole thing and I was being a little needling. That's not going to help anyone."
Again, harsh, but spot on. Really, what you said was the truth and they way I handled it was an emotional reaction that was inappropriate. The only mitigating factor is that she brought it up. I should have just listened and been done.
Do NOT give her a gift. She said she did NOT want to exchange gifts. She has regretted her decision and changed her mind about spending V-day with you. Do NOT give her a card AT ALL. MOST ESPECIALLY do not give her a card in which you try to write a few elegant lines that will move her and cause her to change her actions. Give her cards from your kid(s). If you must.
I am not going to write anything flowery or try to change her mind about anything. I got her a gift and it is generic. I got her a blank card with flowers on the front that I will write something short and to the point of wishing someone I care about a happy V-day, nothing more, nothing less.
Make plans for V-Day. Go out to dinner and a movie, go to a friend's house. Just tell her, I'm going out and the kids will be with me or at so-and-so's. GAL. You are coming off so needy, clingy, clenchy, and desparate both when you are up and down that it is unhealthy for you to continue to totally sacrifice yourself here.
I agree. Looking at things now, I see that I have slipped back into my "normal" pattern of clinging and being needy. I am putting a STOP to that NOW. Thank you. I am not above a little needy behavior but I am determined NOT to sacrifice myself. Thank you for the wake up. I am going to make sure I am gone with the boys before she leaves. I have no need to stick around for the drama.
She doesn't share info with you, why are you sharing info with her?
Because I am an idiot who uses honesty as a weapon. It's something I need to filter. I will make every effort to stop.
Also, note you have NO idea what she is doing tomorrow. Maybe she is getting laid. Maybe she is breaking up with someone. Maybe she is going to an AA meeting. You have no control over that.
Ok, for what it's worth, I think my original post about all this should have conveyed the idea that she indicated it was closer to a breakup than getting laid, but you are absolutely right, I have NO idea what she is up to. To Lisa, my ball was still going, eh.
YOUR CHOICE is to stay and tolerate a period of uncertainty, dishonesty, betrayal, withdrawal, craziness, and selfishness, OR NOT. That is YOUR CHOICE. You have made it because you feel that the genuine risk that things will not get better, but worse, is worth it because you are willing to endure that to save your marriage. This is admirable, but only insofar as you accept it as your choice and accept the responsibility for the day to day pain you continue to CHOOSE to expose yourself to.
Wow, that is the single most poignant piece of advice I have seen around here in a long time, at least for me, where I am at. I never really thought about it that way before but you are so right. I need to start taking responsibility for my own pain should I choose to subject myself to it. Choice. I have learned a lot about that word in a month and a half.
I would also seriously consider withdrawing from the Ireland trip. Why would you put yourself through the pain and humiliation of living a lie? Treat yourself better for F's sake. Do you thrive on the drama of being the tortured soul? Get away from it. S
Maybe I do thrive on the drama, but I also love to travel and I made up my mind a long time ago that I would endure whatever (well to a point) and if the R was manageable at this point (i.e. we are at least friends) then I would not miss this opportunity. This trip will be fine. I am going for my own reasons. It is the land of my ancestors and I really want to explore it. My W is going along too and if she plays a positive role in what I want to do, then great, if not, I will leave her to do her own thing and do mine. This is MY trip.
Drop the passive agressive martyring line. Pretty unattractive, and very unhealthy.
You are right. I will do that.
I really think you are doing great and becoming a stronger person. I know that you are a wonderful, compassionate, passionate, loving man or you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be such a good friend to your fellow DBers. But, this V-day thing has gotten you quickly into a downward spiral that is sucking you dry. Get out of it.
Make your own sweet, special Valentine with a picture of you and your child (per child) and give it to each of your children with a frame. Take them for ice cream and tell them that you love them very much. Cherish the wonderful intimate relationships that you have right now, and thought-stop the others out of your mind.
If she asks what is up, just be honest. Tell her you've reached your limits and must set some boundaries to respect your feelings. You insist on treating yourself with the love and concern that you deserve.
Thank you for all that. I appreciate your input and will try to implement it as I see fit. I will respond to your next post soon.
