Bomb in 2002, D'd agreed on in 2003, Final in 2004. I grew and learned a great deal from DBing. I am now remarried to someone I have been with for two years. Did not start dating anyone until D agreed upon. I think my becoming happy and independent, which is what will DBing will do for you, before dating was key to my current wonderful life. I am happier than I ever thought I could be in an R and am very grateful to this site. I've been around a bit because I'm procrastinating on a project, lol. And, I feel good when I try to help others. I know how much DBing helped me and continues to help me. The unresolved issues in one R will need to be resolved in the next R, like it or not. Seeing the old patterns play out on the DB boards helps keep me on my toes, lol.
Michelle's message is to let go, become healthy and independent, develop healthy detachment in which you can offer sincere compassion and understanding to another rather than making their stuff about you. It is also about patience and hopefulness.
I was the total doormat baby-step grubbing pathetic emotional wreck that we all start out as. Needy as hell for scraps of emotional sh*t. YUCK, NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE, LOL. One problem I see with the boards is that the baby step approach, which I don't think is bad if done properly, is used to keep people in that place in which every whim of the spouse creates chaos in our lives. Baby steps are markers to look for to evaluate one's own progress and whether or not one CHOOSES to continue to DB.
Unfortunately, most of our marriages are so far gone by the time we come to live on the boards (yes, I did it too), that setting baby steps for the R are inappropriate. BECAUSE THE R ISN'T THERE. Set baby steps for oneself-- GH does a good job of this, like reducing the sarcasm.
Anyway, set babysteps for oneself, detach, get a life. Only then can YOU figure out what YOU WANT for yourself without making it contingent on what your P has for lunch, or how your P looks at you, or if your P sounds happy or sad, or how your P breathes, etc... And, it is only when you can be a happy person who knows what they want will your R have a real chance of being a strong, vibrant, passionate R that will last a lifetime.
DBing worked wonders for me. It gave me that kind of R, though it did not save my old marriage (thankfully, truly). I think it can save many marriages that have the potential to be rich satisfying emotional and physical partnerships (my first M simply did not.) It seems to me that Grasshopper's may. Of course it may not. Either way, it is painful to see the real potential he is developing in terms of having an excellent life and being an excellent P in the future being swallowed by the mind-numbing obsessive behavior he is trapped in right now that acts like a bad drug. I believe DBing is the best chance of achieving the kind of M you want with you current P, and that going through DBing will help you enormously if you wind up moving on, which may, after all, turn out to be better than you might ever have guessed. But, until you know that for certain, without a doubt, it is far wiser and healthier to try the hardest to achieve a wonderful R with your present P. Then you will grow and know that you have done the right thing by your own lights no matter what.
Honor yourself, act with integrity, be honest, treat yourself with compassion. Long repetitive answer, but the wheel-spinning going on around here that becomes so obvious from a distance really does make my heart ache. And, I just want to help people step away from it. (Yes, I'm a fixer, guilty as charged.) But, whether or not you listen, I am sure you all will find your own ways and life will surprise you by how good it becomes. I am sure of that because to be here you have hearts and minds that will take you that way.
