I'd have to agree with NYS and S&S. You need to back way the hell off, NOW. Your posts have become more and more obsessive and detached from reality. You are in a relationship with a woman that you cannot even ask if she is dating or sleeping with others. This is not an intimate relationship. Take the crowding, invasive, presumptious VS stuff back.
Quit being more in the relationship than she is. GIVE HER MORE SPACE THAN SHE WANTS. Along with everything else she tells you, why didn't you tell her that you obsess about her 24/7 and make up elaborate stories upon which you then condemn her anytime she is out of your sight.
This is not a time to try to rebuild, question, or even understand her. IF she begins an intimate relationship with you, then those things are relevant. Do you question people at work like that when they change their minds?
Now, as for your grilling her (yes, you were). She is right, IMHO, you were attacking her, in an especially nasty passive aggressive manner. Why not just say, "gee, hon. you are right. I am very angry over this whole thing and I was being a little needling. That's not going to help anyone."
Do NOT give her a gift. She said she did NOT want to exchange gifts. She has regretted her decision and changed her mind about spending V-day with you. Do NOT give her a card AT ALL. MOST ESPECIALLY do not give her a card in which you try to write a few elegant lines that will move her and cause her to change her actions. Give her cards from your kid(s). If you must.
Make plans for V-Day. Go out to dinner and a movie, go to a friend's house. Just tell her, I'm going out and the kids will be with me or at so-and-so's. GAL. You are coming off so needy, clingy, clenchy, and desparate both when you are up and down that it is unhealthy for you to continue to totally sacrifice yourself here.
She doesn't share info with you, why are you sharing info with her?
Also, note you have NO idea what she is doing tomorrow. Maybe she is getting laid. Maybe she is breaking up with someone. Maybe she is going to an AA meeting. You have no control over that.
YOUR CHOICE is to stay and tolerate a period of uncertainty, dishonesty, betrayal, withdrawal, craziness, and selfishness, OR NOT. That is YOUR CHOICE. You have made it because you feel that the genuine risk that things will not get better, but worse, is worth it because you are willing to endure that to save your marriage. This is admirable, but only insofar as you accept it as your choice and accept the responsibility for the day to day pain you continue to CHOOSE to expose yourself to. Quit being a martyr. Get a life. Do not think at all about W. Thought stop any thought you have of her for a week or two to start. Make all your plans and choices independent of her. Designate your days of the week for going out, AND USE THEM.
I would also seriously consider withdrawing from the Ireland trip. Why would you put yourself through the pain and humiliation of living a lie? Treat yourself better for F's sake. Do you thrive on the drama of being the tortured soul? Get away from it. Sleep elsewhere. Set your own schedule. WTF is with totally being on her schedule when she constantly changes it and takes advantage of it. Be in the house. Be a decent parent with her. Live independently. Get your own life, set your own agenda. Post in JFF and find some DBers to go to Chuckie Cheese (nooooooo!) with for V-day.
You must stop obsessing and pushing and take care of yourself. Sorry that this is so blunt. It is frustrating to look from the outside and see DBers chasing their tales, and even being encouraged by others who at the same time are telling you to detach, but eager for any scrap of hope they might glean on anyone's thread.
Set some boundaries. She has her nights out and her days free. But, you should have a reliable way to contact her at all times, she should be responsive if you do so (though you should do so ONLY IN EMERGENCY NOT OUT OF EMOTIONAL NEEDINESS), and she should be reliable about when she will be home. If she tries to make plans with you, tell her no, you are unwilling to make plans with her because she continues to change them at the last minute which hurts you and you respect yourself more than that. Or, tell her that that will be the consequence the next time she abrupty changes plans.
If it pains you to be aware of her being on the phone in the garage, then remove yourself from it. When she heads that way, tell her it won't be necessary and head out yourself with your cell phone in case of emergency. Go shoot pool. Go to the gym. Indeed, go to the gym and develop some workout buddy friendships. Go to a strip club if you must. Do something to occupy your time.
Drop the passive agressive martyring line. Pretty unattractive, and very unhealthy.
I really think you are doing great and becoming a stronger person. I know that you are a wonderful, compassionate, passionate, loving man or you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be such a good friend to your fellow DBers. But, this V-day thing has gotten you quickly into a downward spiral that is sucking you dry. Get out of it.
Make your own sweet, special Valentine with a picture of you and your child (per child) and give it to each of your children with a frame. Take them for ice cream and tell them that you love them very much. Cherish the wonderful intimate relationships that you have right now, and thought-stop the others out of your mind.
If she asks what is up, just be honest. Tell her you've reached your limits and must set some boundaries to respect your feelings. You insist on treating yourself with the love and concern that you deserve.
I know I sound harsh, but as an old DBer, I have a huge amount of respect and appreciation for the really wonderful person you are. Treat yourself as that person deserves to be.
