In light of what's happening now, and with this trip to Ireland now less than a month away, it seems like I have an opportunity to do a lot of good. My main goal is to resist ANY OM related stimuli that may elicit a strong reaction from me. I do NOT want to blow up and sabotage whatever may be going on here, and if she goes out this weekend, I could do just that. This will either be the best weekend of the past year, or my best DB weekend, one of the two, of this I am sure. I want to ask her if things are over between her and him, but I know that is asking for trouble. I feel like I am standing at a crossroads and I really want to take the right road.
On another note, I found the "day after" letter on my computer last night. You know, for someone who did not know much about validation and DB, it really wasn't that bad. Sure, I blamed and such, but the overall tone was that I understood where she was but did not agree at all with how she is choosing to handle it. The worst part was all the "I can't live without you" stuff at the end, which is all she remembers... Anyway, reading it, I was surprised that I did not beg very much. Not bad for a rookie.
Funny, I just read the "day after" letter myself in the past week. Strangely, I found much of the same stuff in mine as well. Basically telling her that I understood the emotions, etc. and that I would be here for her the best that I can. Of course, there was some pleading (more implicit than explicit) but overall the tone was pretty good.
Yes, I think you are at a crossroads....you have many opportunities in the near future to do a LOT of good. I truly believe that you have been doing exceptionally well under some of the most extreme circumstances. It sounds to me as though you have a good handle on this GH...sure you still have emotions, reactions, etc, but that's only normal....the most important thing is how you have processed them and dealt with them. I feel really positive about you sitch man...I really do!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thank you Rob. You always have told me, and I still carry the printout of one of your positive posts by the way, that you believed in my sitch ending on a positive note. I really appreciate that. You know the feeling's mutual. I think you have a great chance to salvage your M.
I'm waiting for the day that both you and I can celebrate that. Its somewhere on that horizon!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Well, it's clear to me what my major challenge will be as I go forward in this. My W has totally free days right now. She claims not to like to be home alone. So what does she do all day? She claims to tell me, but since she either used to, or currently meets the OM sometime in the days, how do I ever really trust her? Right now it's easy because I just DB and detach from that, but as we rebuild trust (or IF we do) I am always going to suspect something is going on. I suppose that's my problem, huh. She said she went to the gym and shopping...who knows...
What is behind door number 3? Who the heii knows! Stop the guessing game. You know that! You have been doing so awesome and things are moving in the right direction, just keep it going! It sounds like the OM is fading, but if you questoining it or try to stop her from seeing him it will backfire! Trust me! It happened to me and you know that. I know I am very similar to you in that I believe I can read my W very well. There were days she was down and distant and I knew the OM was on her mind, but instead of letting her work it out herself I just pushed her, and kept asking if she was thinking of the OM. NOT A VERY SECURE THING TO DO! You won't feel secure for a long time, but you need to be secure in yourself! I don't know many people who can just quit something cold turkey, and your W may do that with the OM. Just know if she does end it with the Om there maybe times and backslides just like we have!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
So what does she do all day? She claims to tell me, but since she either used to, or currently meets the OM sometime in the days, how do I ever really trust her?
I suppose that when the day comes that one actually is reconciling, you find a way. Circumstances in that day, should it come, will probably be totally different than your reality today. All the more reason to accept no reconciliation before it's time.
I agree from NY! Just like a good wine "no reconciliation before its time!" I believed I was recounciling and I truly was not. Entering the grey area, but it is important to stay focused on what you have been doing and keep it going! When the time is right then you can breach alot of sensitive subjects!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
