Last night was VERY interesting/strange. After we put the kids down at around 8:00, I noticed that my W's cell phone was plugged in to charge in the kitchen, something that she hasn't done with me home in over a month. So she walks in and says "I just want to let you know that I am expecting a call...to...talk about something." "I just wanted to let you know so you don't get all pissed off." Uh...ok. So of course, I immediately went into damage control mode. I was pissed but we were watching TV so I could avoid conversation and eye contact. I maintained ok but I'm sure she noticed I was not happy. So right at 9:00 the call comes. I jump off the couch, go upstairs, she heads for the garage and I mumble some curse word I don't think she hears and end up in our bedroom. I planned on having a little tantrum up there but something strange happened. I did not get emotional. I decided rather than sit there, waiting for a confrontation, I would take a walk so I got my shoes and jacket and walked out the front door. When I came home about 1/2 hour later my W was walking down the stairs looking a little concerned. She said she had been looking for me. She didn't know I was going out and looked in the kids rooms, etc. I didn't say much. I just said I went for a walk. She didn't pursue it. She knew I would be at least a bit upset and left it alone.
A few minutes later we started talking about a photo gig I have tonight and she commented that she hopes I still do a good job and that all our problems don't interfere with my work. Also she commented that she thinks the people I work with all hate her. I said they had no idea what was going on and that more likely they probably assume I have cancer or something... So after a few minutes she announces "I wish I could just take the last 6 months and erase it. Start over again." Of course, I slipped up a bit and said somewhat sarcastically "YOU wish you could..." as I walked to the bathroom to reel. When I came out, I simply walked up behind her and gave her a big hug, which she accepted. I wanted to let her know that if she was indeed trying to express some remorse, that I heard her and I accepted it. Maybe it would have been better to say so, but in light of my decision to pay more attention to her actions than words, I figured I would act instead of speak.
So I am now wondering what that phone call was about. Considering she NEVER intentionally lets me know when she talks to him, this was either the beginning of her throwing it in my face, or something else
As the night went on, I did a really good job of letting the call go. I did not focus on it. We had a really pleasant night. We talked about her L meeting for the DUI, our trip to Ireland that is still a go according to the L, and the kid's Valentines Day parties at school. When we went to bed, I rubbed her back and she fell asleep. Of course I lingered a bit, hugging her, then I went to sleep.
I am in a really dangerous place right now. I would be lying if I said my hopes were not up a bit, but I am conscious that she could announce she's going out tonight and it would hurt. For now, I am going to remain focused on the positives she's sending my way and try to keep centered in the face of them. This could be the start of something. I know something is changing but I still don't know what or why. What do you think?
