Thanks. I am not as sure as you are about the obstacles I will face. I am sure they are going to come, but I don't know about my ability to handle them. I want to handle them well, and that is a step. I want to be better in the face of adversity. I want to keep it together and not come here tonight, tomorrow or next week venting about being on a ledge. It is my choice to walk out on those ledges and some day I need to make the choice on my own to walk back in. I pray that my positive energy right now is real and not just because there is no OM being thrown in my face right now. My W just called (she's called twice this morning already) and said she's having breakfast with a couple girlfriends. She asked what I thought about her telling them the truth about what happened. I said I thought it would be good to talk to them but to think it through and really decide if she wants them to know. I would be lying if I said part of me suspects she is with him, but I don't know that. One more thing. The other day I noticed, when fixing her email for her (she asked me to) that she ordered something from Amazon. She never mentioned it and of course I jumped to conclusions that it was a gift for the OM. Turns out it was a CD she ordered for herself. She showed it to me and told me what made her order it. She did not know I saw the emailed receipt. Funny how we think we know something...
Ain't it the truth! Things that we would have dismissed several months ago suddenly take on a whole new meaning today. I've found myself questioning things that I never would have before.
Quote: I want to be better in the face of adversity. I want to keep it together and not come here tonight, tomorrow or next week venting about being on a ledge. It is my choice to walk out on those ledges and some day I need to make the choice on my own to walk back in. I pray that my positive energy right now is real and not just because there is no OM being thrown in my face right now.
Harness the positive energy and try to keep it flowing. You know there will be tough times ahead, and you know that you will react to them...maybe negatively in some fashion, but I think in this process we learn to shake the negativity a lot quicker than we would have several months ago. We can never get rid of negative emotions, but our ability to process them and deal with them changes over time. I feel fairly certain that when the obstacles come, you will face them with far greater strength than you have in the past.
Quote: I would be lying if I said part of me suspects she is with him, but I don't know that.
You're right, you don't. And I think we all have learned a lesson or two about assuming......
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Well, I needed to call her to reminder her of something she asked me to reminder her of and she was having breakfast. I have no idea is she was with the girls but she said she was and they were about to order. It seemed legit. Who knows anymore. I am realizing that by constantly worrying about him and my R, I am not truly embracing all I have read and heard about inward focus and motivation. How can I claim to be centering if I can't stop worrying about what they are or are not doing. It doesn't matter. I already know what they may or may not be doing and I have made my decision on how I am going to handle it. Obsession was not part of that decision, actually, the opposite of it. So Rob, I am going to do what I can, and make the choices I need to make. I agree with you, the negative cannot be expunged from our brains, but how we channel it is paramount.
Ok, so here's how the untrained, uncontrolled mind works.
My W has an appointment to see a L about her DUI today at 1:00. She supposedly met her girlfriends for breakfast. She said she would call after that...no call. She told me this morning (after asking me to stay and help with the kids as she felt like a panic attack was coming on) that she would call on her way to the L...no call again. I called her at around 12:40 and she answered but was really short. Said she was on her way and she needed to concentrate. She said she would call immediately after the appointment. Ok, fine. Now it's 2:15. Her appointment was supposed to take about 15-20 minutes. She was going to call immediately after to let me know what they said...no call. So, is she just not calling, or is it because she took the OM with her downtown for morale support and is dropping him off before she calls? Is that why she didn't talk to me from the car when normally she is fine to do that? Far fetched? Not to my paranoid mind it's not.
I am ok though. I recognize my old behavior rearing it's ugly head, but the thoughts are there. They stir up strong emotions, and they may be DEAD wrong. I post this to let you guys know that we all have these thoughts. It's what you do because of them that matters I guess.
So, what did I do? I called her and left a simple message to call me when she gets done with the L. I told her the truth, I was anxious to hear what he had to say. I will not call again.
Does this still affect me? Sure as hell does, but I can't let it control my life anymore.
The most important thing I guess is learn to recognize what triggers the so called Behaviour-that-doesn't-bring-any-results-but-trouble, and stop yourself in the tracks. Once you learn how to do that, you control your behavior and hence the outcome. So I think you're doing great, and results are sure to follow.
BTW: I could use some advice right now.. Confused.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Ok, so, yet another real-life example. (thanks FD. I will look in on you).
She just called and indeed she says she was there at 1:00 until now. He agreed to take her case because she was recommended by a friend of his without payment up front so they met for almost an hour. She did not sound like she had anyone with her, and if she did, they sure as hell did not know their way around downtown cuz she called 3 times lost on her way out.
Once again. I could have SWORN I knew something that was most likely the totally untrue. IF I had asked/accused my W of my suspicions, what do you think would have happened? It would have been VERY bad, I assure you.
I hope I am doing the right thing. I am as suspicious as all the rest of you but somehow I am controlling my reactions to it so I don't snoop, and I don't accuse. So far, on all fronts, I have been wrong about what I thought I knew. Very eye opening, not just for current affairs (no pun intended) but in terms of our entire relationship. How many other things did I think i knew AND ACTED on that were completely wrong...
People don't always call when they say they will - fact of life. Lots of reasons why. I've done it, and I don't even have an OP!!!!
So, is she just not calling, or is it because she took the OM with her downtown for morale support and is dropping him off before she calls? Is that why she didn't talk to me from the car when normally she is fine to do that?
Or maybe she's just overwhelmed, flustered, nervous... she gets to the attorney's office, attorney's backlogged a bit, she has to wait, the meeting took longer than the 20 minutes she thought, she's embarrassed, who knows... let's deal with what is evident rather than assumptions, the payoff's better.
Edited in: Apparently you posted while I was posting... ya see what I mean?
GH you are acting like me again! Don't read into things, you know it will drive you crazy! You have done so well handling yoursef through this! Draw on that new found strength and keep it going! I know you are just venting on here. You have the patience and it taught you a valuable lesson to not react on emmotion and take your time to evaluate your reaction on what is ACTUALLY happening! Need to take my own advice! Have a good one my friend!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Last night was VERY interesting/strange. After we put the kids down at around 8:00, I noticed that my W's cell phone was plugged in to charge in the kitchen, something that she hasn't done with me home in over a month. So she walks in and says "I just want to let you know that I am expecting a call...to...talk about something." "I just wanted to let you know so you don't get all pissed off." Uh...ok. So of course, I immediately went into damage control mode. I was pissed but we were watching TV so I could avoid conversation and eye contact. I maintained ok but I'm sure she noticed I was not happy. So right at 9:00 the call comes. I jump off the couch, go upstairs, she heads for the garage and I mumble some curse word I don't think she hears and end up in our bedroom. I planned on having a little tantrum up there but something strange happened. I did not get emotional. I decided rather than sit there, waiting for a confrontation, I would take a walk so I got my shoes and jacket and walked out the front door. When I came home about 1/2 hour later my W was walking down the stairs looking a little concerned. She said she had been looking for me. She didn't know I was going out and looked in the kids rooms, etc. I didn't say much. I just said I went for a walk. She didn't pursue it. She knew I would be at least a bit upset and left it alone.
A few minutes later we started talking about a photo gig I have tonight and she commented that she hopes I still do a good job and that all our problems don't interfere with my work. Also she commented that she thinks the people I work with all hate her. I said they had no idea what was going on and that more likely they probably assume I have cancer or something... So after a few minutes she announces "I wish I could just take the last 6 months and erase it. Start over again." Of course, I slipped up a bit and said somewhat sarcastically "YOU wish you could..." as I walked to the bathroom to reel. When I came out, I simply walked up behind her and gave her a big hug, which she accepted. I wanted to let her know that if she was indeed trying to express some remorse, that I heard her and I accepted it. Maybe it would have been better to say so, but in light of my decision to pay more attention to her actions than words, I figured I would act instead of speak.
So I am now wondering what that phone call was about. Considering she NEVER intentionally lets me know when she talks to him, this was either the beginning of her throwing it in my face, or something else
As the night went on, I did a really good job of letting the call go. I did not focus on it. We had a really pleasant night. We talked about her L meeting for the DUI, our trip to Ireland that is still a go according to the L, and the kid's Valentines Day parties at school. When we went to bed, I rubbed her back and she fell asleep. Of course I lingered a bit, hugging her, then I went to sleep.
I am in a really dangerous place right now. I would be lying if I said my hopes were not up a bit, but I am conscious that she could announce she's going out tonight and it would hurt. For now, I am going to remain focused on the positives she's sending my way and try to keep centered in the face of them. This could be the start of something. I know something is changing but I still don't know what or why. What do you think?
Ahh, very interesting indeed. My advice is to focus on the positives from last night and try not to read into anything, but you didn't need me to tell you that. I think yes, this is a change in something...the question is what. Right now is the perfect time to show her that you have made changes in yourself....she will likely test those so stay alert. You have seen some positive signs and I hope they continue for you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
