Grasshopper,
looks like this time I slapped you harder, m?
I apologize.
The again, look at it this way: if you were annoyed or offended by my words, it might be for no other reason than them being close to reality. That's why it hurts.
But you as a changed person know now that we can and should change, so I hope instead of an offense you'll find better use for my words
Can't imagine why there would be some underlying tension. I don't expect or demand she drop anything except her boyfriend. If that is controlling and too much to expect then oh well. At some point she will have to do this if we have any hope to reconcile. Then again, you mentioned that she said that she feels as though you might have a breakdown if she does something, well you know.
That's exactly the thing that our Guru warns against.
If you're mad inside, and not just mad but demanding, it would surely repel anyone even your close friend, let alone a WAS.
Being angry if fine; in fact I would very much like to borrow some of your anger since it took me a long while before I was able to stop blaming myself and awake some anger, and I'm still not very good at it.
The problem is not with being mad, the problem is in being demanding (inside or outside, doesn't matter. Remember detachment? ).
ANd finally, if everything else fails, remember this: by being mad, controlling, demanding, hostile and interrogative, you're directly helping the OM to enjoy R with your W.
You're his best friend the way it looks, m?
Most WAS look at the LBS and say WTF, it took THIS to happen before you WOKE up and smelled the coffee...what about all the pain, lonliness, heartbreak I've endured through the years of our M!! Why NOW? Why did it take this to make you realize that there was something wrong, something missing?
----------------------------
Strong, you couldn't have been closer to the exact words my WAS said. It certainly shows that a WAS is talking.
Grashopper, listen to Strong. You might not believe me, but it's in your best interests to believe her
Last edited by FireDragon; 02/06/0606:25 PM.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Sounds like you mostly had a positive weekend GH, you're dealing with those range of emotions that I also, and I imagine everyone else on this board, has come to know. But it seems to me that you are on the right path and doing the right things. Keep up the good work!
Quote: if everything else fails, remember this: by being mad, controlling, demanding, hostile and interrogative, you're directly helping the OM to enjoy R with your W. You're his best friend the way it looks, m?
Firedragon, nothing can be more true than this! This is something, at least for me, that I should print out and paste somewhere so I can look at it everytime I get into those moods. My W has actually come out and told me that the more I talk that way, the more I push her away. Yeah, not so attractive to live with.
One of the maddening things about this whole scheme, and I think it was something you were alluding to GH, is that, at least in my mind, its not as though we're asking for everything to be perfect, but at least give up the OM and give it a try. Not so much to ask in my opinion. And the truth is, at some point, they WILL have to make a choice....its not as though they can continue to do this forever. At some point, someone is going to reach the end of his/her rope.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
What I am realizing is that by starting on my journey of self-discovery at the same time as trying to resurrect my marriage, I will most likely end up strong enough to do what I need to do, just at the time when I need to do it.
Grasshopper, I'm hugging you right now, can you feel it? Yes you will be strong. You don't know yet how strong you could be, but you will.
Now you're embarking on the journey to self-discovery, and it might very well be the most important journey of your life. Become still and listen to yourself, listen to that terrifying feeling you have, and ask it what it is. It might be the suppressed part of you that you've lost and are discovering right now. Once you merge into one another and by doing so reinvent yourself, you'll gsee the lesson and you'll have the tools. If you'll need help, you know where to ask.
Rob,
I understand this, but let me tell you this: from my perspective, you guys are spoiled. Your WAS however misbehaving, is still with you. She didn't make the desicion to go for the OM. And maybe if I myself had lived by the words I'm wise enough to say now, my H wouldn't have either.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
First of all FD, I do agree with you and believe you. No need to direct my to the sassy one's comments, which are equally astute. I really needed those slaps and thanks to BOTH of you.
One of the maddening things about this whole scheme, and I think it was something you were alluding to GH, is that, at least in my mind, its not as though we're asking for everything to be perfect, but at least give up the OM and give it a try. Not so much to ask in my opinion. And the truth is, at some point, they WILL have to make a choice....its not as though they can continue to do this forever. At some point, someone is going to reach the end of his/her rope.
Yes. You know I agree with this and I may have gotten defensive with FD because of it but I am at a loss. I think the key to understanding why we can't think this way is understanding the fundamental truth that our WAW do not want to work on the R and they do not want to give up their OM. So, with this in mind, it's easy to see why we need to suck it up and do what we need to do. If we don't, nobody will. We are the stewards of our M while our W is away. Sad, but true. I think yours and my fear is that someday we will find ourselves holding the flame for a M that has been dead at our W's hands for months/years before we extinguish it. I have been reading some posts from a guy named Cliff. I found his threads on the Successful Men thread (I can link to it if you want). He is REALLY good at this stuff and just reading some his posts gives me strength to power on. He's a real Michelle cheerleader but it's nice to see someone so unabashedly pro-DBing without ANY outside influence. Good stuff.
Anyway. It's W's 2nd night of going out for the week tonight. Sundays are her official OM night (well, we don't say that but...) and Mondays are the day when I am supposed to believe her when she says she sees movies and shops by herself. I am going into tonight strong and we'll see how it goes.
Quote: I think yours and my fear is that someday we will find ourselves holding the flame for a M that has been dead at our W's hands for months/years before we extinguish it.
Yes, don't I know it. That is probably the greatest fear for me. It really is maddening at times to think that no matter what you do, in the end, it may not make a bit of difference in your R...but at least we will be wiser and stronger.
FD, in many ways, yes, we are fortunate that our respective W's still live with us, but sometimes its too much temptation to start R talk. Also, a part of me still believes that something has to give before my W will see what it is that she really wants/needs. I know GH has expressed this sort of concern in the past, and I share it....in many ways I feel like I'm enabling her to continue with this romantic "vision" of OM...she only sees him in a positive way and doesn't have to deal with the normal hum-drums of life when she's around him. Here its the same old song and dance, deal with the kids, finances, etc. Sure, I think she recognizes that life with OM wouldn't be rosy, but when you don't have to actually endure it....its one thing.
Sorry, I'm not being negative, I'm really not, I'm just trying to flesh out some of these issues....Sorry GH if I hijacked.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Oh, tonight gets good. So the night was ok until about 40 minutes ago when my W decides she needs to run up to the corner store for some cigs. Of course this is code these days for I have to call the OM. She was gone about 15 minutes into a 5 minute trip when I let my emotions get the best of me and I made up an excuse to call her. Bad, I know but I really did need something (that I could have gotten tomorrow mind you). She sounded like she couldn't talk. The conversation was short and she said she'd be right home. Another 15 minutes pass (it's less than 5 minutes up the road) and am getting worried (yea, not my place, I know). I call again. This time she sounds different and proceeds to explain how she just backed into a car at the gas station. She doesn't sound particularly upset. She says there was a cop there already and not to worry. Meanwhile I have to wonder how much she's been drinking. I know she's had at least one glass, maybe two. She seems totally unconcerned about that. If they test her I have NO idea if she'll pass. I am pissed, at her and myself, and really worried now. It was a decent night turned potentially terrible...just waiting for her to either call or come home...
All I can say is just listen to her on wha happened! Don't let your mind play tricks on you. You may never know the whol truth but don't let your emmotions control your reaction. Suprise her and just be there for and listen. She is probably expecting something else!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Well, my life just got so much worse I don't really know how to express it. Last night at around midnight, my W was booked for DUI. She went to the store, 4 blocks away and never came home. She spent the night in a holding cell and I am taking the day off from work to try to sort things out. Needless to say, I think this will impact us. It will severely damage our lives in ways I don't think we understand right now. None of this was ever supposed to happen. It's like a terrible horror movie. I am go to do my best to be there for my W right now but it's hard. She could have called me last night from the jail and did not. I asked her to just to let me know she was ok. I am totally at a loss. I will post more when I can.
GH you are strong and can get through this! Be glad no one was hurt and everyone is healthy. Tough situation but it is your chance to show your new found strength!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
