I'm new to this area. I've been on the board for a year now though with the progression of Newcomers, then divorced, but not done. Interesting that I find myself here when I wouldn't have expected it.
My situation: Me 38 XW: 40 Two kids (boys, ages 14 and 12) She has two kids (girl 12, boy 9) Most of marital difficulties related to difficulty blending the family, something that has gotten easier.
Bomb dropped January 2005, my XW had an EA with someone on the internet..someone she never met or talked to even on the phone. But he/she supplied what she needed and we ended up separated and then divorced. All of 2005 she was hung up on this OP, but we kept a friendship alive and she often seemed to still have feelings for me, but was making an active effort to push me away. We divorced in May 2005 and still continued to do things together as a "family". New years eve she suddenly "woke up" and felt that she had made a mistake with the internet thing. It was all a fantasy. She had made it into something it wasn't. She wondered if I wanted to try again. Over the next couple weeks she worked through her issues and I continued on as though she never asked to try again. I figured she would change her mind again. But she didn't. She eventually called and said, "I wanted you to know that I still love you." I was out of town and she was at the house when I got back. We talked, ML, and worked through some things and she's been there ever since. We discussed 2005 a lot and she's apologized and regretted what happened. She's done her share of soulsearching. Things just slipped very naturally back into what things were before the bomb, something that is very scarey when you think about it. It's just so natural. We started seeing a counselor on Wednesday and got some things out in the open. She so far has been encouraging.
Last night and tonight, maybe for the past several nights there has been a problem I couldn't put my finger on. Things just didn't feel right. I have my XW back living with me, she's pretty much the person I knew, we have had productive talks, done some stuff together, ML, say ILY etc, but I'm feeling really uncertain of this. Last night and this morning I've tried to analyze my feelings and I think I'm understanding what it is. The behavior, hers and mine, is that of people that have been married for years and it isn't enough. We are living together, and while we do spend time together, there is the hustle and bustle of life going on. I feel like we needed to spend abundant time on rediscovering each other before just plugging time together into available spots around other activities. I don't feel comfortable that she loves me and I don't feel comfortable that I love her, not in the way I used to. It might be that my comfort level has more to do with the uncertainty of my feelings than with anything she is doing or not doing. Know what I mean? Because of how I feel, I project that same feeling onto her. But the truth is..despite hearing "I love you", I don't feel loved. That's hard for me to admit. I don't know what to do about it. Do I give it more time and see if this uneasiness resolves or do I tell her how I feel?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Good to see you posting here, as (I hope) these folks may be better able to see the nuances of your sitch and advice more appropriately due their similarities.
Its all about the R, JM.
And a R requires open communication. Timing, wording, emotion modulation are all important, but i'd imagine that you'll both want to get to a place where those worries/concerns can be voiced and worked thru. Speaking of imagining, think about how you might appear to her when you DON'T communicate those things, and perhaps seem quieter, a bit tense, or at least not as loose or playful as at other times. She is then left to explain your stance/beh on her own - a sitch ripe for many wrong interpretations.
My ill-informed advice? : Loads of self-care to stay loose (this could include her, but by doing things that you enjoy with her along, relaxing and just enjoying the here-and-now), being in the moment to create a new history with her, and revisiting this new history for data that you both can use to alter/adjust your behs as you move in a successful direction.
Quote: starting sharing those little kernels of wisdom that you have, others will start reciprocating!
Key words...kernels of wisdom. I have no kernels. :P
At this point I feel like I'm in unfamiliar territory. I'm essentially married again and I like it very much. Things are going smoothly, but what I realize I haven't been looking so much for positive signs and I haven't been so focused on the upkeep of the marriage. You know the point in the marriage when things went along smoothly and you just lived it and enjoyed it? That's where I am at. It's a good thing, but maybe I should be more worried?
So, observations from my first month of reconciliation: 1) I still have moments where I sense this "aloofness" and it worries me. Is she reconsidering? Is it something I did? So far I've asked her if something is wrong. If she says there isn't, I try like h@ll to avoid asking any more and also try to get my attitude positive. That sometimes takes a while. It is best if I engage in doing my own thing during that time until I can get happy/positive
2) If I'm down or moody, she also worries about what's wrong with me. I think we both have some uneasiness about the R, but it's only manifested when one of us is not his/her normal self.
3) We've had a great time spending time together and with the kids. It has been helpful connecting.
4) Plans for a vacation together at the end of April (Gabe, we'll be in the southeast). Part of it is continuing education, but we'll have time to play and spend some one on one time together.
5) We still have fights and disagreements. They have definitely changed though. Many of the opportunities to fight are deflected by a lighthearted comment from either one of us. When we have fought, I find I've taken more of the role previously filled by her, which surprises her. When they have started to get out of hand I discuss it calmly and rationally rather than fly off the handle. Still need to work on listening and validating.
There was one episode of note. A girl I was seeing after the divorce has called me several times but I haven't answered. After the last call I felt I needed to clarify things because I hadn't done so previously. I did tell my wife about it and asked her if I should call her. She heard the end of the conversation and got mad at me. She felt I was speaking to this girl in the tone I reserve for "just her and my sister" and also was flirting. That caused some hard feelings. I did say I was sorry if it felt that way to her, but reassured her that this girl didn't mean anything to me. I did defend myself, but did acknowledge that I understood how she would feel that way.
6) Funny thing. We were going out of town and we seem to always fight when we travel. We both made a concerted effort to avoid it. That was nice. Before we left she had on her wedding ring and asked, "can I wear this?" I don't remember the context, but she said, "I think about you as my husband."
7) I don't know if it's convenience or what, but for the most part in conversation, we have both dropped the 'ex' in front of H and W.
So that's updates in a very long way. I haven't been posting here, but I do look through the threads. I've been spending a fair amount of time in newcomers. It used to be too painful. Now it's more a reminder of how far I've come, but also an important reminder of what I need to continue to do in order to avoid returning to newcomers.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I don't know if I've even asked a question yet, but I'd like to.
Here is the situation: Every once in awhile I'll say or do something that gives my W/XW "flashbacks" of worse times and she'll say something like, "that seemed too much like the old you", and then I'll get defensive and say something along the lines that it's okay to recognize when we are slipping into old habits, but don't think we should be so focused on the past. Of course, I didn't validate her concern, I expressed my own opinion as though I'm a relationship guru, and I put on the Mr. Fix-it hat. What do you do when this comes up? What if I have similar flashbacks to times when things weren't so peachy?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I have a problem with this too, so I hope someone comes up with a good way of dealing with it. At the moment, I try and focus on the here and now. My H rarely talks about our R, so I don't have the opportunity to validate his feelings, or even give an opinion. I hope that, as time goes by, that we are able to make new, better, memories, and not have to worry about the awful things that have happened in the past. Just remember that we can only control ourselves, and cannot do anything about what our S's do or say.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
