I'm new to this area. I've been on the board for a year now though with the progression of Newcomers, then divorced, but not done. Interesting that I find myself here when I wouldn't have expected it.
My situation: Me 38 XW: 40 Two kids (boys, ages 14 and 12) She has two kids (girl 12, boy 9) Most of marital difficulties related to difficulty blending the family, something that has gotten easier.
Bomb dropped January 2005, my XW had an EA with someone on the internet..someone she never met or talked to even on the phone. But he/she supplied what she needed and we ended up separated and then divorced. All of 2005 she was hung up on this OP, but we kept a friendship alive and she often seemed to still have feelings for me, but was making an active effort to push me away. We divorced in May 2005 and still continued to do things together as a "family". New years eve she suddenly "woke up" and felt that she had made a mistake with the internet thing. It was all a fantasy. She had made it into something it wasn't. She wondered if I wanted to try again. Over the next couple weeks she worked through her issues and I continued on as though she never asked to try again. I figured she would change her mind again. But she didn't. She eventually called and said, "I wanted you to know that I still love you." I was out of town and she was at the house when I got back. We talked, ML, and worked through some things and she's been there ever since. We discussed 2005 a lot and she's apologized and regretted what happened. She's done her share of soulsearching. Things just slipped very naturally back into what things were before the bomb, something that is very scarey when you think about it. It's just so natural. We started seeing a counselor on Wednesday and got some things out in the open. She so far has been encouraging.
Last night and tonight, maybe for the past several nights there has been a problem I couldn't put my finger on. Things just didn't feel right. I have my XW back living with me, she's pretty much the person I knew, we have had productive talks, done some stuff together, ML, say ILY etc, but I'm feeling really uncertain of this. Last night and this morning I've tried to analyze my feelings and I think I'm understanding what it is. The behavior, hers and mine, is that of people that have been married for years and it isn't enough. We are living together, and while we do spend time together, there is the hustle and bustle of life going on. I feel like we needed to spend abundant time on rediscovering each other before just plugging time together into available spots around other activities. I don't feel comfortable that she loves me and I don't feel comfortable that I love her, not in the way I used to. It might be that my comfort level has more to do with the uncertainty of my feelings than with anything she is doing or not doing. Know what I mean? Because of how I feel, I project that same feeling onto her. But the truth is..despite hearing "I love you", I don't feel loved. That's hard for me to admit. I don't know what to do about it. Do I give it more time and see if this uneasiness resolves or do I tell her how I feel?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
