This is the girl that I felt we broke up our marriage over. At the time it was all happening he told me he had a "girlfriend" because we were "over" anyway. Then once I was gone and he missed me he said he was never actually with her as gf and bf but that she chased him so he told me that they were just to hurt me. I believed him, but then she's comes in and tells me that and it fits in too!
I talked to him about it somemore after he calmed down and was ready to talk a little more lastnight. I just have to believe him and try to trust that he's not lying. He's never been able to lie to me and keep it going he always has broken down and told me the whole truth one way or another. Since it's me he wants to be with now and not her or anyone else for that matter that's what I am going to work with reguardless of what happened in the past. What's important is what he wants right now matches with what I want . . . us to try and make our marriage work. I honestly feel that I have more to lose by stopping this relationship right now than I do by proceeding into it. I felt better yesterday after I was angry and got it all out. I definately need him right now to help get me through this problem with my pregnancy . . . which will hopefully turn out to be nothing! But as it stands I don't think I could get through his without him.
Why does marriage have to be such a rollercoaster. . . sometimes I feel like I just keep bashing my head of the same walls and then standing back and going, "wow that was stupid . . won't do that again." and then I'm right back at it! Thanks again for all the great support!
Now thats the Emily I remember the one who was going to fight for what she wanted the one who was going to learn from what she was doing
remember its ok to much up and go backwards a little if you learn from it and to learn successfully the first step is to recognise what you are doing that is either more of the same or not working
My H frustraights me sooo much! I just don't even know what to do. Sometimes (like today) it just seems like we are too different to get along. Today we argued like we did right before the split. We've only been trying at this "new relationship" for a month or so . . . so why is it already down so far. He called and I was telling him about my day yesterday and he got all mad and yelled at me. I saw a friend from high school and talked to him for a minute and when I was telling my H about it. He was all mad and upset he said, " I'm sorry I don't impress you like that." I just don't understand. Then for the rest of the convo he was short and rude and downright mean and nasty. Finally before we hung up I got him to tell me why he was being like that and it turns out it was only because of me mentioning seeing that other person. I just cannot stand the thought of fighting with him like this for the rest of my life. I told him that . . . and he doesn't believe me, he thinks that I am just a puppet on a string that he can mess with. I know I'm rambling but I have to get it all out. He HATES saying ILY . . . and I always feel like I need to hear it . . . it frustraights both of us. But when we got back into this R we agreed to certain things and that was one of the things that we had talked about. I love him and I don't want a divorce but I am just so sick of fussing with all of this . . . I know that we both said a lot of things today that neither of us meant. Instead of just agreeing to hang up and talk later when we both calmed down I did what I always do and went into panic mode and wanted to slug it out with him because I'm always afraid that he'll "leave" and never come back. We are alright I guess . . and he'll call me back later. I just don't know how to feel or what to do.
So you are experiencing the "old patterns" of behaviors? You agreed to certain things and they didn't materialize? Is that because not only is your H the same, but so are you?
I think that you need to find different ways to approach these problems. It might be time for a refresher on other techniques to get things the way you want. Remember, even when you are back together, effecting change in him is still primarily by making changes in you.
As a guy, when you wrote about the fight, I knew right away what it was about, but it seems you needed to be told it was because you were talking about ANOTHER MAN. But what it also says to me is that he is completely insecure in his R with you. Ironically, he might feel as though you could look around for someone else or leave the relationship. You also sound insecure in the R which I can understand. But you've been through this. Does fretting about him potentially leaving or not loving you change anything? If he leaves is it the end of the world? I think you've probably discovered by this point that it isn't.
My suggestions, for what they are worth, is to look back at times when you diffused difficult situations easily and figure out what you were doing right at that time. What are triggers for fights. For my XW and I it is travel, getting tired, and discussions about our kids. So when trying to figure out how not to make it go smoother I needed to think of a time when things went more smoothly. Remember, just because you are working on the R, doesn't mean the basic rules of listening, understanding, validating, and accepting that the spouse is entitled to their opinion (even if you happen to disagree) are no longer necessary.
I know how frustrating it is. It is just way to easy to slip into old patterns and it is made more difficult in that really working through fights is something new to those of us that mainly practiced GAL and LRT before and find ourself back with our spouse. Probably time to practice some of the other techniques and make R goals, while continuing to work on your own goals.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: So you are experiencing the "old patterns" of behaviors? You agreed to certain things and they didn't materialize? Is that because not only is your H the same, but so are you?
The answer to ALL of those is YES.
I only told him about seeing the other guy because I thought it was one of his old friends (they at least went to the same parties and hung out sometimes) I thought it might be interested to know what he was doing (he's in the Army). I didn't think it would set him off like it did, I just wanted to talk about my day.
Quote: Does fretting about him potentially leaving or not loving you change anything?
Not really but it makes me want to go file the D papers because him "playing" me like that pi$$es me off.
Quote: If he leaves is it the end of the world? I think you've probably discovered by this point that it isn't.
No it's definately not the end of the world (he kicked me out 2 months ago so I've already been to that point and back) . . . . I really would rather it all be over with that have to keep fighting and dealing with feeling worthless (I can't seem to ever do anything right). But then I think about the next baby and I think about the problems I'm having with pregnancy and I think about how I need him for support and also because he helps me get around when he's here (he takes me to the store etc.) and I wonder exactly what I would do if he wasn't in my life right now. These are all things some one else could do but who? No one else is even remotely willing to help me out, I guess I feel stuck with him.
Quote: Remember, just because you are working on the R, doesn't mean the basic rules of listening, understanding, validating, and accepting that the spouse is entitled to their opinion (even if you happen to disagree) are no longer necessary
I know . . . and I know I don't do such a great job. But he can't ever express his opinion about something without telling me I'm absolutely wrong or yelling to get his point across and I just get so frustraighted.
At this point I don't even know what R goals I should have . . . . I haven't been able to come up with anything yet this time around. . . I read and keep looking through the DBing book . . but I am still having trouble making goals. . . especially when I feel that he is so difficult and unwilling. He would be mad if he knew I was on this site . . talking to other people about our R . . . so I don't even feel that I share the advice I get. Seems like if he doesn't get the info himself or if it doesn't come from his parents than it's automatically bull or it's a scam . . . or who knows. His parents are idiots who live in all the wrong ways and know nothing about they way things really work. . . will he always be that way too?
Quote: No one else is even remotely willing to help me out, I guess I feel stuck with him
Sorry. I'm sure that's not the position you hoped to find yourself in...basically with him from necessity.
Quote: I know . . . and I know I don't do such a great job. But he can't ever express his opinion about something without telling me I'm absolutely wrong or yelling to get his point across and I just get so frustraighted.
At this point I don't even know what R goals I should have . . . . I haven't been able to come up with anything yet this time around. . . I read and keep looking through the DBing book . . but I am still having trouble making goals. . . especially when I feel that he is so difficult and unwilling.
Okay, so one problem is that he is difficult, unwilling, feels that you are wrong, and yells.
First suggestions: Try to analyze why he flies off the handle (and I don't mean...because he was raised that way, or he has a personality disorder. I mean, what is underlying his angry outbursts).
Second suggestion: Goal oriented solution to talking more constructively with him. What will you be doing or what will it look like when you can actually talk.
Emily, it sounds like your self-esteem is in the toilet. Are you still looking after yourself and focused on your happiness?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
you told him about the other guy because you thought he would be interested - the only thing he was interested in was you talking to another guy why when you two are seperted and trying to work this out and having problems with the pregnancy would he be interested in someone else's life?
The other thing you said was he yelled something about him (the person you were talking to) being better than himself can't remember exactly what you said - but to me it appeared that you may have been saying the other person is doing well in their life and he took it as you telling him that he wasn't
He tells you that you are absolutely wrong just say 'that saddens me that you think I am so wrong' and change the subject
he yells to get his point across - then you get quieter the louder he gets don't escalate with him and when you get quiet you really have to take control and say 'I hate yelling and arguing this way so I am going to go and will discuss it later with you when we both stop being angry and yelling' and then hang up
you are allowing him to yell by continuing to listen you allow him to argue by arguing back
change your behaviour you change his
when you talk again you can say it is healthy to get disagreements out in the open - but by discussing them not arguing about them loudly - so lets make a pact if we begin to argue and get loud then we won't talk till we have both calmed down and instead of arguing about who is right or wrong we will talk about the solutions to our disagreement
He called me back later that day and said he was sorry for over reacting to our convo about that "friend"
Quote: The other thing you said was he yelled something about him (the person you were talking to) being better than himself can't remember exactly what you said - but to me it appeared that you may have been saying the other person is doing well in their life and he took it as you telling him that he wasn't
He tells you that you are absolutely wrong just say 'that saddens me that you think I am so wrong' and change the subject
he yells to get his point across - then you get quieter the louder he gets don't escalate with him and when you get quiet you really have to take control and say 'I hate yelling and arguing this way so I am going to go and will discuss it later with you when we both stop being angry and yelling' and then hang up
you are allowing him to yell by continuing to listen you allow him to argue by arguing back
change your behaviour you change his
when you talk again you can say it is healthy to get disagreements out in the open - but by discussing them not arguing about them loudly - so lets make a pact if we begin to argue and get loud then we won't talk till we have both calmed down and instead of arguing about who is right or wrong we will talk about the solutions to our disagreement
change how you react and you change how he does
change you change him
Thanks . . that's really good advice that I'll definately try to follow . . sometimes it's just so hard when I'm on this d@mn hormonal rollercoaster. I get so frustraighted with myself because some days (like yesterday for example) I just feel like I could cry all day long and never be able to pinpoint a reason . . I think I've already started to "nest" clutter has been driving me up a wall and I scrub and rescrub everything . . if I keep this up for 4 months I'll have the cleanest living space around! My H is coming for a visit tomorrow and we're going to have our taxs done . . whoopie! At least will get a return and that'll help out a lot! I'm going to ride out this thing until I'm done being pregnant and back to normal, I know I get a little crazy when I'm pregnant and I'll be able to think much more clearly about our R when I have normal hormones again!
I'm having new and improved roomie problems . . . I wish I could just get it over with and ask her to please go back home. She hasn't stayed here in about two weeks, she's been staying up with her guyfriend at his house. So she hasn't went to the store or contributed anything to the house (which is fine with me . . I wouldn't ask her to pay for food I eat) BUT on her nights off (since she's been working two jobs) she still comes here and eats. That frustraights me a lot . . . then she bring all her dirty laundry from his house and does it here yesterday. Since her wheelbearing in her truck is going out and she doesn't want to drive it until she can get it in the shop . . she decides she's going to call my parents and ask them if she can use their truck (which they left at my grandmothers while they are in FL.) I had already asked if my H and I could use it Wednesday to get our taxes taken care of (Since our car isn't running currently) . . that's not the point. It wouldn't start (batteries dead because no one started since they left) so she stayed here lastnight and her mom picked her up for work (why doesn't she just go home????????). I think part of the reason she won't just go home is because her parents don't know she's been staying at this guys house . . and I don't think they'd like it if they did know. She turned EVERY light in the house on at 5:30 this morning and woke up my daughter . . . and I just really want her to leave. I just don't want her to be mad at me . . . I have real issues with that. Am I being stupid, or should I try and get the courage to ask her to leave?
Emi dear, I tried to call and see how you were doing tonight and spoke with Emily 2. if you need me don't hesitate to call. I know things are rough for you right now and I'm far away, but I'll help you anyway I can. Remember my offer about a place to stay if things don't work out up there. If you are having problems with Kevin's transfer and want to see him down here, I'll be glad to come up and get you and bring you down for a couple of days. You can crash here so that way you don't have to be around his family and you two can just talk. No Emily 2 no Eric, and no family. I'm here for you hun and always will be. You're one of my very best friends and I'm willing o do anything I can to help you out. I love ya!
it may be about time you had a little friendly chat with emily2
begin by telling her how much you appreciate all she has done - but that it is ok for her to leave now - tell her you understand how difficult it must be for her to try and tiptoe around the house due to your small daughter being there and that now with her car problem it seems it may be easier if she is home so her mother doesn't have to drive over to get her
you can word it all to seem like you are thinking of her and if she says she is not sure about leaving you then you say well you would also actually like to spend some time alone with just you and your D
