Moving Along and Putting It All Back Together

[Just_Me]

Emily,

So you are experiencing the "old patterns" of behaviors? You agreed to certain things and they didn't materialize? Is that because not only is your H the same, but so are you?

I think that you need to find different ways to approach these problems. It might be time for a refresher on other techniques to get things the way you want. Remember, even when you are back together, effecting change in him is still primarily by making changes in you.

As a guy, when you wrote about the fight, I knew right away what it was about, but it seems you needed to be told it was because you were talking about ANOTHER MAN. But what it also says to me is that he is completely insecure in his R with you. Ironically, he might feel as though you could look around for someone else or leave the relationship. You also sound insecure in the R which I can understand. But you've been through this. Does fretting about him potentially leaving or not loving you change anything? If he leaves is it the end of the world? I think you've probably discovered by this point that it isn't.

My suggestions, for what they are worth, is to look back at times when you diffused difficult situations easily and figure out what you were doing right at that time. What are triggers for fights. For my XW and I it is travel, getting tired, and discussions about our kids. So when trying to figure out how not to make it go smoother I needed to think of a time when things went more smoothly. Remember, just because you are working on the R, doesn't mean the basic rules of listening, understanding, validating, and accepting that the spouse is entitled to their opinion (even if you happen to disagree) are no longer necessary.

I know how frustrating it is. It is just way to easy to slip into old patterns and it is made more difficult in that really working through fights is something new to those of us that mainly practiced GAL and LRT before and find ourself back with our spouse. Probably time to practice some of the other techniques and make R goals, while continuing to work on your own goals.

Me