Just joining this area because StrongEnough invited me and it does seem like this is where I should be at this stage in the game.
Let me try and give you the short version of a long story, My H and I have been seperated since December 12, 2005. Only about 2 months, but it's felt a lot longer!! In the begining he kicked me out he "hated" me etc. He wanted the D . . . BUT we started to "date" around Christmas. Just last week I think it was he called me and told me it was all a terrible mistake and he wanted us to get back together. I've read the book and we've (he and I ) have come a long way. But my biggest concern now is us reverting right back into the "distructive habits" that ruined the R in the first place. He is working on getting his job transfered so that he can move up here and he and I can then move in together.
He just left yesterday and he had come up on Tuesday . . we had a good time and it's hard to watch him go . . but it helps me stay motavated to change the things that need to change in order for us to have a great loving marriage.
One of the biggest problems I think that we will have is going to be family opposition (most of why he kicked me out was because his mother hated me! Still does). I've told my family our plans to get back together and my mother still acts as though nothing has changed and he's still just out in la la land and has nothing to do with me. Even though she knows he was just here for a visit, she doesn't seem to understand that it was a husband visiting wife and kids because they currently have to live apart . . not father visiting child because that's all he gets. It's frustraighting to me. He doesn't feel that he can tell his parents exactly what's going on because he's afraid that his mother will kick him out (since he is currently staying with them).
I think that I have gotten most of the story in here and I'm not sure if it all makes sense. If anyone has any question they need to ask to clear things up just ask . . and I'll answer as best I can.
You sure have come a long way from the panic-stricken woman who joined the board a little while ago. Great job!
I'm sorry that family issues are a problem for you. That is a tough position to be in. IMHO, parents should support and repect their children's decision. As a mom, I understand wanting to protect my children from harm, but I also want them to be their own people and learn their life lessons on their own.
Since your H wants to make this work, is there a chance that he will read DB? It's very easy to slip back into our old behavior.
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
I just need to vent for a minute . . I'm not really looking for a lot of advice I just really need to get this off of my chest. . I've been having a lot of second thoughts (normal or otherwise) and it's really bothering me because I feel that I really did quite a bit and now I don't even know if it's all right. The problem doesn't lie directly with my H and I . . . it lies with family. My H would tell me I worry too much about what other people think and such. But lastnight he made a comment that really set me off . . "I think my mom knows that when I move you and I are getting back together and moving back in together and she's not even that mad about it." <--- It just REALLY makes me wonder if it's a good idea to get back with him. I HATE that he is still all buddy buddy with his mother. I know I say this a lot but I'm just sick about what to do with him. I want to be with my H more than anything . . I want my kids to have a normal life . . BUT I do not want to be miserable or spend the rest of my life holding things against him. I just about hate him for everything now that I'm not all worried about him leaving me high and dry. Why is that!?!? I wish that any part of this could make sense.
Emily, I was just browsing and saw your post. It reminded me of when H and I got back together. Only his mom doesn't hate me, in fact we have been friends for many years. However my family doesn't like my H.
I can remember the feeling of confusion about whether I was doing the right thing getting back with him. My sister had ranted and raved about how horrible he was and I should never let him back in. I've always been influenced by what other people think and say. Part of DBing for me was to think about what I wanted and try to leave out the negative thoughts I get from others. It is hard. Some relates to my feelings of low self-esteem--you know, I can't think for myself, cuz I'm not intelligent enough?
Anyway, it takes work to leave out what others are telling you. I'm sorry his mom hates you and he's being buddy buddy with her anyway. I guess you have to decide if you can live in this situation. If you choose to do so, I think you will have to work hard to lose the resentment and anger toward him and her.
You are back to being angry and resentful when you think he isn't going anywhere. You are worried about keeping the good changes going with him back. With anger and resentment I doubt you will be able to.
I had a counselor tell me once that my H is in my life forever, friends and family members will not always be around. My life with my H is the priority.
I think you must know that when your H comes back, he probably hasn't changed a whole lot. Mine didn't and we were separated for a year. But I changed a lot. The only thing you can work on here is yourself. You cannot make him do anything. If he chooses to do something for mom over you, you may have to grin and bear it. And if you do, mom may decide to change her mind about you. It sounds like you have a lot of forgiveness to work on. It's going to be hard. My H won't even see my family unless he runs into them somewhere. I spend holiday time with them and he doesn't participate. I wish he would but I can't make him so I've learned to just leave it alone. Maybe you can take some time out from his mom as well.
Keep reading your books and working with a counselor. No reason he even needs to know about it. Or mom either. Let them see changes in you and they may follow suit. No guarantees, but if what you are doing isn't working, try something else.
Yeah his Mom use to love me . . said I was like a daughter to her etc. I loved her right back like a mother even though I disagreed with a lot of the things she did (never out loud or in attitude mind you). Then one day out of the blue . . she hated me she said I was condisending and had a bad attitude. This was after the info about my H's EA and my current pregnancy came out mind you.
My parents hated him when we got together and then by the time he decided it was time to split they had fully excepted (except for 1 sister) and were proud of him etc. Now that all of this has happened though . . they are back to their orginal stand on things. My mother told me, "We won't be mad if you get back with him, we'll just be ready to have you back . . because this will all happen again." Nice supportive families aren't they? LOL! I understand where they are coming from . . but jeesh!
I get so angry when he talks about her I just want to scream or hang up on him, I can't even explain it. I don't even want to talk to him if she's around. I know she's been talking me down to him again too . . even though he won't admit it because I think he's starting to waver on his sureness of wanting to come back. Maybe it's just me though . . I'm trying not to read too much into it. He brought her up in our convo tonight and I got mad and he said, "I guess that's just not a good subject to bring up is it?" I said No and he said, "You just need to calm down about her." I told him I wouldn't and right now if he wanted to stay married to me it was something he'd have to deal with (me not wanting to hear about her or see her or having ANYTHING to do with her that is). He just said, "OK"
I sure am tired of these hormone shifts that's for sure. My "roommate" Emily-2 and her stupid boyfriend have been DRIVING ME CRAZY lately. I am ALWAYS angry and crabby because he's ALWAYS here. He comes here before she's even done with work (around 2:30) and leaves after I go to bed. On the weekends he's ALWAYS here . . . unless they go out and party . . then he's with her all time . . so if she stops home to take a shower he sleeps in a chair in the livingroom. I MEAN WHY CAN'T THEY GO TO HIS HOUSE??????? He's a nice enough guy on the surface . . but some of the looks I get and the ignornant comments he makes really make me mad. I almost screamed at him to get out of MY house (since we are staying in parents house while they are in Florida and Emily-2 only came down to keep me company.) yesterday night. Then today I went out with another friend Tanya . . and when I got back about 2:25 he was IN THE HOUSE. I about walked in screaming . . and when we did go in he was cleaning . . MY HOUSE. He gave me a dumb look and said, "OH . . I thought you and the baby were sleeping." When the bedroom door is wide open and he could see right in. . yeah right. I do all the cooking and cleaning around the house and when Emily-2 does something (like the dishes maybe once a week) he gives me dirty looks and throws himself like she ALWAYS does everything. Well I don't feel like I can say anything about the situation and so I just tell my H about it (he hates the guy anyway) . . but tonight he got mad at me and told me to go take it out on them instead of crying and bitching to him about it. It hurt because I don't feel like I can say anything about it . . I just try to stay out of the room when he's here . . as much as I can when my daughter is asleep. I feel trapped in my own house and it's a major source of stress for me right now. I just wanted someone to be on my side about it (my H has always done all of the standing up for me since we met . . because I don't stand up for myself) and I wanted it to be him. What on Earth do I do . . . IT'S STARTING TO WRECK MY NEWFOUND R WITH MY H!!!!!!!
I know what you mean about wanting your H's support. I get the same reaction sometimes. I've had something crappy happen and I want to tell him about it and have him be compassionate! And he gets angry that I'm complaining to him. You might want to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, if you haven't. It explains alot. Men do not like to talk about stuff. They want to think about it and figure out what to do. Women want to talk and talk and talk about it. So, I try to remind myself if I want to talk it out, better find a girlfriend to do that with.
So, if you can put that frustration somewhere else, it may do you better with your H. Is your roommate staying long? If it's your house, can you talk to her separately about rules and expectations? It will probably hurt her feelings and make him mad, but if it's your house and your are going crazy, you do need to stand up and make some changes. You might feel bad at first, but when things calm down and you have a little peace you may find you are proud of yourself for doing it.
I hope you won't bite my head off when I suggest you try really hard to be a little less touchy about mom. Think of your convos with your H about mom like someone is telling you they can't stand someone you care about and they won't have anything to do with them. It hurts that my H won't have anything to do with my family (except my kids) and it hurts if he says derogatory things about them. But he doesn't like them and I can't make him. Your H might feel that way too.
Mom is probably not going to change and H isn't either right now. They have a relationship and bond all their own. You, however, can change you and the way you react to them. Try really hard not to say anything when he talks about her. Try to bite your tongue and just validate what he says. I bet you anything he tells her what you say and that will fuel her. He's in the middle and having a hard time trying to please both of you.
You are right, don't overanalyze what he is doing or saying. He might waiver a few times for many different reasons. Just don't freak out on him. Try to remain calm and stable.
molliew . . I won't bite your head off but I will tell you part of why she makes me so livid. His parents love their kids one minute and hate them the next . . . we (he and I) went about 6 months with them calling him a worthless piece of $hit . . that's right his own mother and father. Then their daughter made them angry and Kevin (my H) was out of the doghouse. So they are mad at her and cling to him. . . and because his sister hates me (we've fought on and off since he and I got together because she's pyscho) the rest of the family (I.E. the mother listened . . and made my H listen) I know that in a little while they'll hate him again and she's already getting sick of him . . just because of him. She's a liar and she's fake and he knows it . . he'll tell you it . . but then when she's all sugar to him he forgets.
He hates my parents (especially my mom) and he doesn't hold his tongue AT ALL . . I feel that if he can say it . . and complain to me about everything they do . . and I just listen then he deserves to hear it right back. I just don't like his mom and sister. . I'm fine with his Dad (even though he's never been crazy about me . . but he's not crazy about anyone and HATES his wife) and his younger brother and sister (after all they have NOTHING to do with any of it.)
I was reading too much into him being off. Lastnight he told me that NO MATTER what he wanted to stay married . . I was the he wanted to come home to everynight and that nothing I can say or do will change his mind (unless of course I were to file for the D)!! It was sweet . . . he just hates hearing about them making me upset because it makes him mad and he doesn't feel like there is anything he can do about it (because there's not).
The house is actually my parents (so technically it's mine I guess). I really do not know what to say to them or how to say it. I'm awful at confrontations. It's starting to interfere with my pregnancy though. . . this morning I started bleeding from stress again. . . I've been soooo angry/stressed out about it all. He comes here to eat and sleep . . and of course be with her. Is there any nice way for me to ask her if they couldn't hang out at his house sometimes?? I am NO GOOD at standing up for myself and I know I'll never say anything about it. . . I'll probably just keep stressing! I don't know what to do!
Wow, sounds a little crazy in his family! But I think if you don't give them anything to bit$$ about you, then they have nothing to say.
I'm glad your H told you that. Mine is not able to express himself that way, so I have to look for little clues all the time--tiring!
What if you had to stand up for your health and that of your baby? I know it's hard, but I think your GF's boyfriend and, maybe her too, are taking advantage of your inability to draw a line. I really think you have to stop it now.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings either and I think that is what you are afraid of. If your friend loves you she will eventually understand. If she doesn't then she's probably not good for you. What if you get to the point where you do explode? I think a nice adult conversation between the three of you will get better results. Come at it from the angle that you are having stress-related health problems. You shouldn't be bleeding because you are under stress. You know your baby can feel your stress too. Emily, this would be a huge step for you toward confidence in yourself and treating yourself better. It really is ok to be a little selfish. You don't have any problem letting your H know your feelings about his family, you can surely let your friend know things have to change.
I think it might show your H that things are changing in you if you can do this. Something's got to change Emily and you are the only one who can do it. You don't want to go back to the same old M cuz somebody is going to be disappointed, unhappy and resentful. This is one thing you can do to add to your confidence. And it sounds as if it really is for your own health and the health of your baby.
If you have a counselor or therapist, it would be helpful to go over this issue and get some help learning how to draw a line to protect yourself.
I do not go to a counselor or thearapist. I haven't found a program in my area that offers that service cheap or even free! I don't have the money to go myself.
It definately needs to stop right now! It's starting to trickle over into my progress with my H. He called this morning and we spent 30 minutes fighting. Because I don't know how to stand up for myself so I actually take it over onto him. I actually (without realizing it) tried to start a fight with him today just to get some of my anger out. Of course he's mad about it because he's scared that this extra stress is going to make me lose the baby and he gets sick of me being mean at him because I'm really mad at her. I want to tell her but for some reason my brain won't let the words come out of my mouth. I'm unsure how to approach it calmly . . I mean what do I say, "I hate your boytoy . . I think he's annoying and I don't want him around so much??" I think I may just try to change my prospective on things and not be so angry and see if it helps my situation at home. Maybe then it'll help my progress with the R.
I'm so frustraighted with myself. I keep doing stupid things that could really screw up this R as it's still in this tender stage. I'm just not sure exactly what to do to fix things. I'm going to try to come up with goals as to how to fix my situation with Emily-2 before it goes to far and I end up wrecking my marriage and losing a friend.
I don't know what to do!