My sitch is different AND the same in certain points in my situation's timeline. I had an affair. It was over long b4 my wife became aware. My A was the worst decision of my life. We have 2 children D5 and S(10mos.) I had needs that were seriously unmet, specifically affirmation, adoration, affection and appreciation. Unfortunately, I was too weak and afraid to broach the subject of my needs to my W, so I took the cowardly way outside my M to much more devastating effect to my W, my M, my family and myself.
My story weaves all over the place, so please bear with me. I felt that my W had 1 foot in the M and one foot out, leaning strongly to the out side. She often would tell me she wanted a D, but never acted on it. Grasshopper says that perhaps she was trying to get my attention focused on HER unmet needs. Perhaps, hindsight would be much more useful as FOREsight.
The summer b4 my A, my W made a decision to go to a meeting to see an exBF. Why she told me about where she was going, I do not know. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she was looking to me for my approval to go that I was not going to give that to her. I told her I DO NOT want you to go to that meeting. Her marriage cancer (mc) friend was in our home listening to this discussion prepared to take my W to see her exBF. As is often said, with friends like that, who needs enemies? My wife ended up going with mc and returned later. I was distant and withdrawn. My W pursued me to discuss my feelings. I simply asked her, "Why?" She said I don't know and tried to make up with me. I let it go. Fast Forward.
My A comes to light. My wife is back on the phone and e-mailing her exBF. The e-mails were explicitly sexual and talked of marriage. She told me that the reason she went to the meeting was to see if there was a "spark", and there was!! Nice. A much different story than not knowing why she went to see him. Fast forward.
In her e-mails, she was planning to have exBF stay at our home and lie to our D5 by telling her he is a friend like another dear friend of ours. When I called her on this lie, she said, "Well, he is. I've known him for 15 years." I told her, "NO, you knew him for 5 years and haven't seen or talked to him for 10 years. You have no idea who he is."
Anyway, my W continued her lies and deception b/c, as we all know, two wrongs DO make a right, right? Well, the sh*t hit the fan when exBF showed up the same as he ever was and that fizzled quickly with a lot of bitterness.
NOW, after much dating, she is involved with one man and is having marital conversations with the second man in less that 4 months. Nice. Everyone who knows her tells me that, "No, she is not hurting, she is just using your A as a get out of M without guilt card. She is just doing what she has wanted to do all along." Perhaps I am delusional, as my counselor says, but I err on the side of grace and contend that, "Yes, she is huring badly. That hurt is causing confusion and causing her to run away from the cause of her hurt (me) and towards her perceived happiness (in the form of any OM). At this point, I pray for God to care for her in her aimless wandering. I also pray that He touches her so that she will see/hear His message and it will cause her to hesitate in her current path.
My W has held fast to wanting a D from very early on in my sitch. I came to DB in mid-Feb and then took a month off. Big mistake. I am now 4 1/2 months into my sitch and rely heavily on some kind souls to tell it like it is for me and kick me in the run when I need it.
We have had positive interactions more often lately, but I still have serious fears. I come here to be reminded by more kind souls to believe and hold onto my faith! God has a plan and that plan is on His time, not mine. I pray every day that my execution of my DB plan gets better every day. Doing a faceplant in executing my DB plan doubly hurts.
I work daily to pump up my PMA. Most people in my daily life see only the tunnel I am in. They see only neverending darkness. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I see daylight, sunshine, life!
Quote: ATTITUDE- An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked. They are caused by us, not be exterior happenings. An outside event presents the challenge, but we react to it. So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves. -VERNON HOWARD
I nurture and protect my PMA because THAT is what I have 100% control over, not the state of my M.
Quote: BELIEF- The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible. -RICHARD M. DeVOS
I believe that it is possible for my M will thrive and survive and I possess the will to try it.
Quote: FAITH- Faith is to believe what we do not see; and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe. -SAINT AUGUSTINE
I believe I will be redeemed through my repentance and my M will be restored and reconciled as a testament to the mercy, power and love of God.
My job right now is to work diligently to NOT feed into any of the "stuff" that is thrown my way. I choose to listen to the Voice of Truth. I choose to change the dynamics of all interactions with my W. I can change my M positively alone by working to change me with God's help. I will respond thoughtfully, not react intuitively and negatively. A tall order, yes, but I will achieve my goal.
For you, stay strong. Nurture your PMA. Diligently work on yourself and GAL. Be well. Have fun. Laugh lots.
