Last night I was thinking (again, in the middle of the night!) I have agreed to not only DO taxes for W, but to show her how to for her future reference... Now this was the woman that barely feigned any interest in anything financial that I tried to explain over the years which I did because, hey, this is a partnership and I wasn't going to do something w/ $$$ w/o consulting her... So basically she let it all go in one ear and out the other (being blond and all...)
Well, I'm going to do the taxes and I'm going to adopt the attitude that I'm doing something LOVING, something that I WOULD have done if we were together. And if she comments and asks WHY I'm being so nice I'll tell her just that. Now for the tricky part. I WANT to tell her that even after everything that she did last year I'm not carrying that anger/bitterness anymore because I decided to let GOD take care of that; that I TRUST HIM to take care of the crappy stuff and to look after our marriage and I'll do what I can do; namely, be kind and do the things a good husband would do. That I realized last fall that over the years I NEVER thought about leaving because I always trusted that things would work out for us; that even though I wasn't explicit about religion, that showed me the amount of FAITH I have always had that I could just TRUST HE would take care of us. I just "knew" everything would be okay w/ us.
So what I want to say to her (BUT CAN'T!) is WHY can't you say "Lord, I can't deal w/ the hurt/anger/resentment in my heart, will you take on that burden for me and let let me just worry about being a good wife"? Let GOD restore our marriage and salve your wounds and you just be a wife and mother... I want to say, Do you really believe that getting a divorce and possibly having a relationship w/ OM is what GOD wants for you? That he doesn't want you to put US in His hands and trust that we can remain married and HAPPILY at that?
I was talking w/ her best friend last night and I think she is a toxic person. She is VERY jaded about relationships because of her own situation and thinks I'm nuts for A) thinking we could reconcile, and B)thinking it would ever be any good or better than it was for years.... That W is just "broke". I tried to explain that I'm not some Bible-thumper, BUT I do trust that if W and I fully committed to our marriage that it would be GREAT. She (friend) just doesn't get it. She actually thinks I should just write it off; that I should be out chasing women and having good sex and moving on.
So that's where my head is at today. Am I tilting at windmills? Probably, but where would any of us be w/o hope?
Oh, and yesterday was the anniv. of her Mom's death as well as it would have been her Dad's Bday... I sent her a short email saying I hoped the day didn't suck too bad and that I was thinking of her... I wasn't sure about doing it, but that was when I decided to ACT AS IF we were still together and that made it easy to decide to show I was thinking of her.
She emailed me back a bit ago and said thanks; it would have been Dad's 80th.... NOT ONE comment about her MOM!
What more can I do?? (and that was only partially rhetorical!)
